HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Afraid

Friends, I need some support and prayer.

I am afraid.

We received news today from Matt's doctor that his spleen needs to come out. The way she put it "sooner than later". As in the first week or so of January. No later than that.

We have known for about a 18 months, maybe two years that he has this blood disorder, thrombocytopenia. Basically he has very low platelet counts, and his spleen is enlarged because it is a hungry little bugger hoarding all the cells it's supposed to filter. His platelet and white cell counts have steadily declined, but they are reaching the point that is dangerous to him. In an adult, a normal count is about 150,000 to 450,000 platelets per microliter of blood. Matt's is 28,000. A year ago at this time it was 31,000. Any further decline (a count of 20,000 or less) could lead to spontaneous internal bleeding, and possibly even death due to the blood loss and his blood's inability to clot properly. Removing his spleen is the only way to cure this.

I am beyond scared. I am beyond terrified. I don't have big enough words for the emotions I'm feeling right now. I am trying to be strong for him because I can tell in his voice that he is beyond terrified of having the surgery, and of the implications of not having it. He is my big strong protector and to hear him with any waver of doubt and fear in his voice just slays me.

Please pray for him, for me, for us.

I've only had him for six years...

That's not nearly long enough.

The End

Well, I thought I'd share with my (few) readers that I have decided not to continue with NaBloPoMo.

I honestly don't see this as a failure, but rather a conscious decision I have made after a lot of thought.

I am not a prolific writer. My sister carries that honor in our family. I don't write in a beautiful, poetic, peace-bringing or humorous style. I don't have long insightful wisdom-filled posts. I stammer, stutter, and otherwise plod my way through posts filled with random snippets of my boring life. (It's really no wonder why I only have 10 followers!).

Forcing myself to write a post everyday has, I believe, caused me to lose focus and has taken away from the substance of my blog. My desire to blog within the constraints of this challenge has suffered. My posts have suffered, and I don't like that.

Granted, I probably could have prepared a little better, bit it was a spur of the moment decision to participate anyway. It is a decision I should have thought about for a while longer before committing to.

I want this blog to touch people, to inspire people, to entertain people, and give them some insight into the life of a hopelessly flawed servant of God muddling through life with some good friends and her sweet husband by her side.

I enjoy the community an interaction of my readers and all the people I've found through this blog. I don't want that to end. I hope I can continue to reach people through writing about my struggles with infertility, my hobbies and my journey through faith.

I'm not going anywhere...

I'm just not up to the task of forcing myself to come up with a post daily to meet a quota. To those of you who can, that's awesome and I commend you. I just know my own personal limits, and I've reached it.

Long story short...it's back to business as usual here at The Road. =)

NaBloPoMo Day 15: Still chugging along...

First off, I'd like to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts and prayers for Matt's job interviews today. The first one didn't go as well as he had hoped; the pay was a LOT less than they originally told him, and he won't even know anything until the middle of FEBRUARY if he has been hired. Oy vey.

The second one went very well. They had him do a battery of tests and two oral interviews today. He aced them all. We are hoping and praying that this is the job he is offered. It is really good pay, great benefits (not that he needs the insurance, he's covered under mine for free), lots of vacation and paid holidays. It seems like a wonderful place to work. And the best thing about it is that we know several people who work there...one of them being his best friend's sister and the other being a close friend of mine. So, we're hoping with those "ins" and his test and interview scores he gets hired. He should know something one way or the other by the middle to end of next week.

Now we pray. Pray that he is offered the job. Pray that God's will be done through this process and His will for our family be fulfilled. It's been a struggle to believe that lately, to trust in the fact that if it is God's will it will be done. But we're trying. Baby steps, right?

I'm kind of at a loss on things to write about...I have some ideas floating around in my head but they will have to wait until I'm off later in the week so I can devote the time I'd like to in order to do them justice.

So tonight, I'll just leave you with a picture of my Granny's birthday-shawl-in-progress:

Tomorrow...

Matt has not one, but TWO job interviews tomorrow! He has been out of work since right before Christmas last year, so if he is successful in landing one of these jobs, it would be an unbelievable blessing to us.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that his interviews go well and is offered at least one of these jobs.

I hope you all had a good weekend, I'll be back tomorrow and let you all know how his interviews went.

Blessings to all!

Keeping it all in perspective

This morning I went and helped distribute food at a local food pantry.

I had no idea going in what I would be doing, I had never done anything like this before. I've been wanting to for a while, after I read in our local weekly paper that they do distributions every weekend. I had called them a while back, but the lady never got back to me, but this week I was able to reach someone and made arrangements to go volunteer this morning.

We served 50 families today. With an average of 3 members per family (some had more, some less, but averaged out to 3 per family), that's 150 people served out of this itty bitty food pantry. Just today. In three hours. In a town with a population of approximately 12,000 people.

It was a very rewarding, yet humbling experience to say the least.

There were a few people there that you could tell were the "abusers" of the system, but the majority of the people that received food today were so gracious. You could tell they didn't like having to come to the pantry, they were proud people, but the gratitude that exuded from them was just overwhelming. You hear of the hungry and the needy in the news and in the paper, but most of us (I'm guilty of it as well) don't give them a second thought on a daily basis. We all drop a can or two into the food donation box at the store or church or school without thinking what kind of impact it really makes. Until you see them. Until you look into the downcast eyes filled with an odd mixture of pride and pain and defeat and hope. Until the young widow with three teenage boys who lost her job takes your hand and tells you "God bless you"...

You just don't know.

I spent most of the day after I left in a pensive state. The only thought that kept running through my head was "There but for the grace of God..."

It truly brought into perspective many things in my life. Sure, Matt and I struggle some. We live paycheck to paycheck. We don't have money to take vacations or buy new cars or pay for fertility treatments or adoption. We don't wear fancy clothes or eat filet mignon every night. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix rather than going out to the theater. We hang out in the bookstore for entertainment instead of partying it up in a nightclub.

But...

We have a home.
We have food.
I have a job (and hopefully he will too soon!)
We have running water.
We have air conditioning, electricity, and heat.
We have vehicles that run and get us where we need to go.
We don't wonder where our next meal is going to come from or if we will freeze to death in our sleep.
We have each other.

And for these things I thank God.

And for these reasons I will continue to serve God and give thanks for my blessings by taking 3 hours out of my Saturday mornings to give to those less fortunate.

NaBloPoMo Day 12: A Favorite Poem

Today's "random blog prompt" was to post a favorite poem. I've never been huge into poetry, so this is a hard one for me.

Recently in my Bible reading, I read through the book of Psalms. I have to say that is some of the most beautiful poetry I have ever read. Psalms is a very emotional book of the Bible, if you've never read it. There are poems of anguish, despair, anger, desperation, hope, trust, faith, and love. It's a very powerful experience, to say the least.

Today, instead of sharing any traditional poems, I would like to share two of my favorite Psalms.

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

In Honor and Memory of Those Who Serve

I would like to take this time to humbly thank every Veteran, and all military service personnel for their service, commitment and sacrifice for our freedom and protection. My prayers are with all currently serving military personnel, their families, and especially the families whose soldiers have given the ultimate sacrifice...their lives.

Today I honor my ancestors who fought in the Civil War and WWI, both of my grandfathers who served in WWII, numerous great-uncles who also served in WWII and The Korean War, my uncles who fought in Vietnam and were subjected to harassment and shame upon return home by an ungrateful public, my hometown neighbors and classmates who served in Desert Storm and The Gulf War, and my cousin who served in Operation Enduring Freedom - KIA Ghanzi, Afghanistan, August 2009.

Today I pray for our soldiers, at home and abroad.

Today I thank them, humbly, for fighting for our freedom and our protection.

May God's presence be with each and every one of them as they fulfill their ascribed duty.

Today I pray for those soldiers who have returned home who are fighting their own personal wars of injuries, PTSD, marital stress, financial difficulties and readjustment to life as a civilian.

Today I pray that each and every soldier deployed will return home safely to their families and that we may experience peace.

Wee Bits of Me Wednesday

Today's post inspired by:

{one}

Do you collect anything? If so, what and how long have you been collecting?

I started collecting teddy bears when I was very young, probably about 8 or 9. I have over 200 of them. I now collect anything ladybug themed, and books. Always books. :)

{two}

What is one cleaning tip that you swear by?

None, unless you count Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. Those things rock!

{three}

Who would you call for bail money?

Whoever wasn't sitting next to me in the jail cell!

{four}

What is one thing you miss about being a kid?

The innocence and wonder.

{five}

Name a few of your guilty pleasures.

Coffee. Chocolate. Sleeping. Yarn.

{six}

How early do you start your holiday shopping?

I try to avoid the commercialism of the holidays, it's always bothered me, but more significantly now since we've returned to Church. I usually buy the gifts we do exchange a few weeks before Christmas, unless it's something that needs to be special ordered or something.

{seven}

What is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children?

Attending Midnight Christmas Eve service at our church, followed by breakfast at our local 24 hour greasy spoon diner.

Buying one less gift for each other and giving that money to a local charity/soup kitchen/food pantry.

{eight}

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

The glory for anything I've ever achieved in my life is 100% attributable to the grace of God and God alone. I am merely a sinful servant through which His work is done.

{nine}

What do you do to pamper yourself?

Pedicures. Sleep. Disconnect from the phone/internet/etc and have a hermit day. Bubble baths. Wine (very occasionally!).

{ten}

If you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?

I have dreams of opening a bookstore / knitter's haven / coffee shop. I haven't settled on a name yet. =)

NaBloPoMo Day 9: Jobs I've Had

Jumping back on the NaBloPoMo bandwagon...

Apparently I can't even manage to handle a 30 day blog posting challenge. But...I digress.

Tonight's topic is: List the jobs you've had during your life.

• Well, starting off as a "tween" and early teenager I babysat.
• When I was 16, I got my first "real" job, working at Six Flags (Over Mid America...just outside St. Louis, MO). I worked in the "Wardrobe" department. It was much less glamorous than it sounds. I basically did laundry for the entire park. All park employees wear uniforms, and it is the Wardrobe department's job to issue/launder/maintain all said uniforms. I worked there, in the same department, for three years. And people wonder why I don't like doing laundry now.
• When I was 19, I got a job as a teller in a bank. I really enjoyed it, and was good at it. I worked my way up the ranks from teller to lead teller to supervisor trainee. Due to some personal problems I was having at the time, I quit that job when I was about 22 or 23 I think.
• I then went to work for Dierberg's Supermarkets as a cashier for about 9 months.
• I worked next for Blockbuster video for a year or so. I started as a clerk and worked up to assistant manager. I really enjoyed this job, but due to personality conflicts with the manager I worked with, I quit.
• My next job was at an answering service. I was there for approximately a year, maybe a little more.
• In July 1999, I began working for my current employer, a 9-1-1 dispatch center. I did take a 10 month hiatus in 2007...and worked for a home medical equipment company, but due to financial reasons, I went back to 9-1-1 in April of 2008.

If I was asked out of all of those what my favorite job has been, it would have to be a cross between Blockbuster (just because we had some really good times there!) and 9-1-1. I love my job...maybe not always the people...but I definitely love what I do for a living.

Maybe someday I'll have enough mental energy for a REAL blog post!

NaBloPoMo Day 7 - Places I have lived

In lieu of a long insightful post tonight, I'm going to fall back on some writing prompts I found while scouring the Internet looking for topics to post about during this 30 days of blogging.

Tonight's post is 10 Places I Have Lived:

(Although I'm not sure I've lived 10 places...but here goes)

• My parent's house in High Ridge.
• My parent's second house in High Ridge where we moved when I was 8 and where my parents still reside.
• An apartment in Fenton with a friend from high school (didn't last long, we kind of had a falling out).
• My parent's house, High Ridge.
• An apartment in the Tower Grove neighborhood in St. Louis City.
• An apartment in Hillsboro.
• My parent's home in High Ridge.
• The little house I bought in Festus (which, sadly we lost recently).
• The apartment I now live in with my husband in Festus.

Well, that's only 9 (technically only 6, but I counted all the times I've moved...), but who's counting! How many different places have you lived?

Hopefully tomorrow's and future posts will be more exciting and profound...I'm worn out from working a lot of overtime this weekend and getting our hineys kicked at work. (So tired in fact I originally titled this post NaBloPoMo Day 6...sheesh!)

I'm off to dreamland!

Have a good night!

Thank you and some clarification

Thank you very much for visiting and commenting. I truly appreciate the support. 

I do, however, feel that I need to clarify a few things brought up in the comments. If you have read my blog for a while, you will remember I do have life outside of "having a baby". I do partake of many things that lift my soul. I have a very fulfilling life, filled with friends, family, and activities I enjoy...my knitting, reading, Church, and many other things. 
However I don't believe that precludes me from also expressing my longing for a child. As I said in my post, I don't often indulge these feelings, but occasionally they creep up and I need to express them. Most of the time I am able to cope with them, they don't always crop up on a daily basis anymore. But no matter how happy I am with the other aspects of my life, there will always be a little piece missing, a hint of emptiness that can only be filled by being a mother. 

Ask ANY mother if when her children aren't with her if she is aware of their absence. Undoubtedly her answer is yes. Well, I feel the absence of my children too. The only difference is that MINE...haven't been born yet. 

There are times these feelings come to the surface and I express them here. That doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for the other blessings in my life. Just the opposite. I'm extremely grateful for what I've been given.  I am beyond the moon grateful for my husband, my parents, my sister, my stepson, my extended family, my best friend, all my other friends who are like family, my job, my relatively good health, everything I have worked for and have been blessed with in my life. I thank God everyday for my blessings.  

The only thing I wish is that I could have children for my husband and I (and the rest of my family and friends) to share those blessings with.  Fertile people seem to be allowed to express this wish, and I believe I have that right at well. I'm not whining and moaning, I'm simply stating how I've been feeling lately.  

I don't want this to come off as being ungrateful for the comments left here, because I'm not. I'm just clarifying a bit. :)

Overwhelmed

I was hoping to have a more positive post for today, being it is only the 5th day of NaBloPoMo, but I'm just not in that space today. If you're looking for an upbeat, positive, cheery post...well, I'm sorry. Today will just not be that day.

Some of you already know from Twitter and Facebook that I had a pretty tough day yesterday, emotionally. I've been wavering on whether or not to post these feelings, as I've been trying to keep this a place of positivity, hope, and encouragement. To be honest, I'm not feeling any of those things right now. And, since this blog is intended to be an amalgam of all facets of my life, these feelings have their place here too.

There is not one word to define what I'm feeling. If I had to put a label on it, it would be despair. Everything has come crashing down on me in a wave, and I am struggling to get my head above water.

It's all tying into infertility in some way or another. I don't have these feelings often...or rather I don't allow myself to indulge these feelings often. Most of the time I'm able to shove them back down into the ugly little black hole in my heart where they came from...but right now they're overflowing and washing over me like a flood. I need to get them out before they completely overwhelm me.

The impact of my husband being out of work since last Christmas is hitting us, and although I don't fault him in any way, shape or form, I am frustrated. He has been putting in applications, sending out resumes, and actively looking for employment for almost a year now. He has had several interviews that didn't work out. He does have two interviews on the 15th (Thank God!), so keep us in your prayers that something comes of one of them. I feel the pressure of being the sole income, which has farther reaching ramifications than just not having much money in the bank. I find myself resentful that we can't afford the infertility treatments that I know we need. I "met" that fabulous doctor in the webchat and have yet to make an appointment because I don't want to get my hopes up and get a ball rolling on something I know we don't have the money to do (treatments). I am jealous that other people can afford to do treatments, even if it's "just" Clomid, injectibles, and IUI's. I'm uber-jealous that others can afford or have insurance coverage to do IVF. I'm jealous that other people can get loans and credit cards to pay for their treatments. With our credit (especially with the recent forclosure of our home), there is no way in Hell we could (or SHOULD, in all reality), get a loan or credit card.

I'm frustrated with my weight and my recent back injury. I am miserable, and have all the desire in the world to begin an exercise program to get back on track to losing weight (which I know will help with the PCOS and infertility...much as I hate to admit that my weight is causing problems, I know it is). I went to the gym with Matt yesterday and was only able to do 7 minutes on the treadmill at 1.7 mph before my back was killing me. I pushed myself to do 10 minutes and was in tears I hurt so bad at the end. I know I can't expect miracles, but jeez. What a pathetic loser.

I'm so depressed that I will be 37 in 5 months and am still no closer to being a mother than I was six years ago. October marked 6 years that we have been TTC. Granted the majority of that time has been "on our own" without medical treatment, we've still been TTC. It sucks. Time and time again I have been passed by, watched everyone around me get pregnant once, twice and sometimes even three times. Some of these women are very dear friends, and while I am thrilled for them, I can't help but feel jealous, hopeless, and broken because it isn't me. I know there is no "race", there is not a finite number of babies in the world, and that these women are deserving of the miracles they have been given...I can't help but foster the negative thoughts of "Why not me?". What have I done in life to deserve the heartbreak of this? Am I not deserving enough to have just one child? Why can other women have two, three, four or more, and I can't even have one? Am I not good enough? Is this God's way of keeping me from completely screwing up my future child because I will be a horrible mother? I know those thoughts are not rational, but they are real.

A friend of mine has been struggling in her life as of late, and recently wrote that in a certain turn of events of her life she felt like "in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and had a big ole laugh". My heart broke to hear her say that, but in reading her words, I heard my own voice. That's how I feel too. I have prayed, I have begged, I have dedicated my life to God and serving him through helping people. I am a devoted wife, a loyal friend, I honor my parents and I serve my community. For six long devastating years I have prayed for a child. And sometimes I feel like God has, well...for lack of better words, taken a giant steamer on my dreams. I know this is not true, in the part of me that trusts that He has a plan. But that small, sinful, untrusting part of me...well, it lurks like a festering splinter.

I want to believe God has a plan. No, I do believe God has a plan. I am just incredibly frustrated that I can't know what it is right now.

My heart hurts. My soul aches. My womb aches with the fullness of one who was never and may never be there. My arms cradle emptiness and my eyes cry hot tears of anguish over the loss of the dreams of one who never was. One who might never be.

I trust that God can work His healing in my heart, He has done it before. I will still be devoted to Him and follow His will when He chooses to light the next step.

As I am working my way out of this, I ask you all, if you are willing, to pray for me. Pray that God will work His healing in my broken heart and restore peace and hope. Pray that I can learn to put full trust in Him and His plan, whatever that may be. I know it might not look the way I envision my life, but I know that whatever it is will be exactly what He wants for my life.

Thanks for listening and being here for me.

Outside my window

Thank you God for this beautiful day.

My Ten Favorite Books (NaBloPoMo Day 3)

The Bible

The Velveteen Rabbit - Margery Williams

The Shack - William P. Young

Watchers -Dean Koontz (in a close tie with The Taking, also by Dean Koontz)

Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

The Elegant Gathering of White Snows - Kris Radish

Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral - Kris Radish

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - C. S. Lewis

To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee

The Witching Hour - Anne Rice

NaBloPoMo Day 2: Two Wolves

I came across this on a blog I visit, and it really struck a nerve in me. I felt compelled to share it.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on
inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all."

"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego."

"The other is God - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed."


(author unknown)

Which do YOU feed?

NaBloPoMo

NaBlo...what the heck, you say?

NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month.

Basically you post to your blog every day for a month.

I have never signed up for this before. First of all, I don't know that I can commit to it with my crazy work schedule. Second, who in the world wants to see me drivel on about my boring daily life?

Well, I AM committing to it...I'm committing to a lot of things this month, but more to come on that later!

And hopefully YOU want to read more about me! (Please say yes...please? Say you like me, say you want to know everything I've never posted here and more? Please?)

~~~~~~~~~~

My sweet and funny friend Suzy has a blogroll set up for whoever wants to join in the marathon month of blogging!

Now skeedaddle on over there, sign yerself up and git to postin'!

Back later for my first "official" post of NaBloPoMo!