I've been giving this topic a lot of thought since my last post.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile my feelings about my infertility with my still growing faith in God and my daily walk with Christ. There are so many negative feelings surrounding my infertility fight thus far, and I pray daily for God's guidance in this and many other arenas. I ask Him daily to lead me in the direction in which He wants me to proceed. I try to temper my own desires and wants, to surrender my dreams and follow the nudges, pokes, and sometimes shoves from my Heavenly Father. I still feel confident that my desire to be a mother is a desire given from God. There's no other explanation for it. I don't believe that He would have given me this desire if He didn't have a plan to fulfill it. I just wish, in the small sinful mistrusting secret places in my heart, I wish I knew when that plan was going to come to fruition. And what that plan is. Because also in that small secret place, I have the fear that this will be withheld from me forever. And I also fear that the ache will be there forever.
I pray for the ability to “delight in the Lord” (Ps 37:4), for the ability to relinquish my dream and “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Ps 37:7).
Maybe I'm not supposed to understand. That's the hard part for my analytical part of my brain and heart to comprehend. It's hard for me to understand the logistics of NOT understanding. All my life I've endeavored to comprehend, to know WHY. To find out the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Especially when. And why. Such tiny words. Such a huge stumbling block.
I know that when I allow Him to, He can heal the ache in my heart. What I don't understand is why He won't allow my aching heart to be healed by filling my womb. (HUGE AHA MOMENT): maybe that's the lesson? That the two are not interdependent? That this is not a cause and effect situation? Well, for seven years of battling infertility, my womb has been barren. Empty. Unfilled. Unfulfilled. As has my heart. So to me, it stands to reason (in my humanly skewed perception) that the heartache will remain until I am able to conceive or we are able to adopt. Until I am a mother. Is it possible that my happiness and lightness of heart and dare I say JOY isn't and perhaps shouldn't be contingent upon my reproductive status? Perhaps God is waiting for me to realize that true happiness and joy come only from Him and that once I can experience that...then, and maybe only then, can the rest fall into place for child(ren) He has planned for us to be born?
Wow. Talk about HUGE. *(and honestly...I truly had that revelation only as I was typing this...it literally just smacked me in the head).
I know God is enough. I know this life I have is enough. (Why do I have to physically restrain myself from tacking “for now” on the end of those sentences???)
Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning.
To live for today, not worrying over yesterday, not trying to over-plan for tomorrow. Trying not to dwell on the tomorrows that I want...but embracing with open arms the tomorrows that God has PLANNED for me.
Maybe there is no reconciliation.
And I think I'm okay with that.