July 31, 2011

Reconciling Infertility and Faith, Part II: My Conclusions

I've been giving this topic a lot of thought since my last post.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile my feelings about my infertility with my still growing faith in God and my daily walk with Christ. There are so many negative feelings surrounding my infertility fight thus far, and I pray daily for God's guidance in this and many other arenas. I ask Him daily to lead me in the direction in which He wants me to proceed. I try to temper my own desires and wants, to surrender my dreams and follow the nudges, pokes, and sometimes shoves from my Heavenly Father. I still feel confident that my desire to be a mother is a desire given from God. There's no other explanation for it. I don't believe that He would have given me this desire if He didn't have a plan to fulfill it. I just wish, in the small sinful mistrusting secret places in my heart, I wish I knew when that plan was going to come to fruition. And what that plan is. Because also in that small secret place, I have the fear that this will be withheld from me forever. And I also fear that the ache will be there forever.

I pray for the ability to “delight in the Lord” (Ps 37:4), for the ability to relinquish my dream and “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Ps 37:7).

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand. That's the hard part for my analytical part of my brain and heart to comprehend. It's hard for me to understand the logistics of NOT understanding. All my life I've endeavored to comprehend, to know WHY. To find out the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Especially when. And why. Such tiny words. Such a huge stumbling block.

I know that when I allow Him to, He can heal the ache in my heart. What I don't understand is why He won't allow my aching heart to be healed by filling my womb. (HUGE AHA MOMENT): maybe that's the lesson? That the two are not interdependent? That this is not a cause and effect situation? Well, for seven years of battling infertility, my womb has been barren. Empty. Unfilled. Unfulfilled. As has my heart. So to me, it stands to reason (in my humanly skewed perception) that the heartache will remain until I am able to conceive or we are able to adopt. Until I am a mother. Is it possible that my happiness and lightness of heart and dare I say JOY isn't and perhaps shouldn't be contingent upon my reproductive status? Perhaps God is waiting for me to realize that true happiness and joy come only from Him and that once I can experience that...then, and maybe only then, can the rest fall into place for child(ren) He has planned for us to be born?

Wow. Talk about HUGE. *(and honestly...I truly had that revelation only as I was typing this...it literally just smacked me in the head).

I know God is enough. I know this life I have is enough. (Why do I have to physically restrain myself from tacking “for now” on the end of those sentences???)

Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning.




To live for today, not worrying over yesterday, not trying to over-plan for tomorrow. Trying not to dwell on the tomorrows that I want...but embracing with open arms the tomorrows that God has PLANNED for me.

Maybe there is no reconciliation.

And I think I'm okay with that.


  1. Excellent series. Touching. Well written. Insightful. you certainly do have a lot to offer others.

    Don't we all need that poignant reminder that God is enough?

    I love you and I pray for you daily.

  2. Rebecca this is a beautiful post. Are you reading my mind. I have such anxiety over the future and what it may or may not bring. I have such a hard time enjoying what God has planned for me *this day*.

    I am praying for you and with you that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled.

    Sending you peace, love, and strength for today.....and all of your tomorrows.

  3. This is one of those things that may, or may not, be resolved in the way we think it will. As we've been just barely starting the infertility journey, it has really made me think about whether or not we will have children of our own. I am reminded of the story of Sarah, and how God grants her desire to have a baby- but I also think, I'm not sure if that's what God has for me.
    A very heavy thing to contemplate, and a faith shaker. I'm glad I'm not the only one contemplating the impact of infertility on faith, well written!

  4. I have just had these realizations the past 6 mos or so. We never stop learing.


Thank you for taking the time to share your comments and insight with me, for being a part of my journey on The Road, and for allowing me to be a part of yours...come back soon!