The Beauty In Autumn

Many people see Autumn as a dreary, depressing season.  The days feel shorter, it gets dark earlier, the leaves fall and the plants die.  It's colder, we have to pack away the shorts, tank tops, capris and flip-flops to make room for sweatpants, long sleeved flannel shirts, warm shoes, boots and hoodies.  Most people bemoan the coming of October and this season of dying off.

I, always being the odd woman out, couldn't be more opposite.  

I LOVE Autumn.  

I haven't always felt this way, but over the last 10 or so years, something has switched over in me and I simply adore autumn.  

I love everything about it.

Cooler temperatures, changing and falling leaves, fires on chilly evenings, hot cocoa and snuggling under a blanket, roasting marshmallows, candy corn, sweaters, hand knit socks, scarves, pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!, rosy cheeks and chilly noses, Thanksgiving, caramel apples, the smell of fall baking.

But there's more, much more to it than all that.

I never feel more alive, more optimistic, more full of promise than I do in the fall.  The sunlight always seems brighter, the world more vibrant, more...alive somehow.  

I know, it sounds strange in a season where everything is dying off and preparing to hibernate for the winter to feel alive and full of promise.

I feel that it's more of a time to recharge.  To slow down.  To be remade.  To remake what has become worn and broken.  The earth uses fall as a season of rest; vegetation dies off so the roots can recharge and rest before the spring season of growth.  I see this also as a time of sloughing off what has become old, unuseful, worn and broken within ourselves.  It's a time for slowing down.  A time for looking inward, for making room for new growth to take root and bloom.

We all receive gifts from God, whether we know it or choose to acknowledge them.

I think one of my gifts is seeing the life in the dying, the renewing of the old, the beauty in the waning.  

And for that, I am most grateful.

A Few Good Days...

Hey all! 

Been a while again, hasn't it? 

Yeah, sorry about that.  Life's been crazy around here lately...

But it's also been good.

I had a couple of big days this week...

Yesterday I spent most of the day shuttling between doctor's appointments.  My back has still been giving me trouble, and yesterday it dawned on me that it's been almost a YEAR that I've been dealing with this crap.  It was mid August I believe that it started last year, after I tweaked it when we moved into our apartment.  I've been going on and off to a chiropractor, who says I have an "easily movable pelvis" which is rotated and tilted.  We worked on getting it readjusted, which would help for a while, only to have the pain come back worse every time.  So I finally went to my regular MD about it.  She thought it could possibly be arthritis (which she still thinks it is) and put me on a series of several different muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory pills, pain pills and ice/heat regimens.  Nothing helped ease the pain for more than a day at most.  I finally had enough.  Yesterday she finally agreed with me that the pills were not helping (really?) and gave me a cortisone shot.  In my back.  In my SI (sacroiliac) joint.  One might think that it would have been extremely painful, but surprisingly, it wasn't.  It hurt a little, but not as much as everyone was building it up to be.  I am SO thankful for this shot!  Amazingly, it took hold and started working by late last night.  Today was even better.  So much so that for the first time in nearly a year I was able to be up moving around for more than 5 minutes at a time!!!  You have no idea how big of a deal this is.  My pain had gotten so bad that walking from my front door to the car (all of about 250 feet at the most) would have me doubled over in pain.  Standing for any length of time (to cook dinner, standing in line at a movie, in a checkout line at the store) was sheer misery.  This wasn't just "oh, my back hurts" type of pain.  This was double me over, drop me to my knees, sweating and out of breath, please take the machete out of my lower back type of pain.  I had gotten to the point of nearly being immobile.  But I pushed through each day out of stubborn frustration.  I cried daily because the pain was so bad, because I was tired of feeling like a fat lump of uselessness, because I felt that nothing was ever going to help.  People just don't realize how seriously a person can be affected mentally and emotionally by severe chronic pain.  I've had moments in this past year that I don't even want to admit to.  Moments when I just wanted the pain to stop any way I could get it to.  The biggest frustration for me is that I know that my weight does not in anyway help my back problems.  They're not the entire cause, but they certainly don't help.  I know that I have to lose weight.  I WANT to lose weight.  I want to be active and not just sit at home like a bump on a log every day.  I need to lose weight in order for us to TTC again, because at this weight it is impossible.  I have every intention and desire to get back to an exercise program, but my back pain simply wasn't letting me.  Everyone kept telling me, "Just push through it. Work through the pain."  Well, when it drops you to your knees and takes your breath away, it's pretty impossible to "work through it".  It's a vicious cycle.  I'm in pain partially because of my weight, I need to move to lose weight, moving is nearly impossible because of the pain, but I'm in pain partially because of my weight...  I felt so hopeless.  Useless.  Worthless.  But, as of today I'm doing pretty well.  I was able to go grocery shopping for the first time in months without being in pain by the time I walked into the store.  I was getting sore by the time I was hitting the checkout line, but for me, that's amazing!

I felt so good that I actually went over to our storage shed and went through some of my books and took them to a local used book store!  Yes, ME.  I parted with some of my precious books!  I think I was still high from the shot, if you want to know the truth!  LOL  Nah, these were books that I knew I wasn't going to read again, ever.  They took the majority of them (I had taken 4 reusable shopping bags packed FULL, and I only had 1/2 a bag to take back), and I wound up getting $78 in store credit!!!  WOOHOO!!!  I bought 3 "new to me" books and my husband bought one, and we still have almost $65 credit left.  They have a lot of books my husband was interested in, so he will be going back to pick some out soon.  The only thing that bothered me about the whole thing was the condition of some of these books.  It almost made me cry.  One thing anyone knows about me is how OCD I am about my books.  I take insanely good care of my books.  I always have.  Books are treasures to me.  I don't dog-ear the pages, I am very gentle with them so the covers always stay in good shape, and for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus I cannot fathom breaking the spine!!!  I nearly cried when I saw shelf after shelf after shelf of spines so broken you could barely even tell what the name of the book was anymore.  Such a tragedy.  I know that most people don't treat their books like I do, but it almost seems a bit disrespectful.  I think it comes from the way I was raised.  We never had a lot of money, but books were one thing that my parents always made sure we had.  Reading was a family affair for us.  We used the library a lot, but when we were able to purchase new books, it was a treat.  We (my sister and I) were always well aware that my parents worked hard and sacrificed much to give us the few "extras" they were able to provide for us.  So we learned from an early age to appreciate our belongings.  And the value of hard work.  Which is why I get so frustrated when I see books not taken care of.  Someone worked hard to write that book...what would they think if they saw it all beat up and damaged?  Oy.  I guess you could say I'm a little too emotionally invested in my books, eh?

Matt and I also had a couple of really good discussions these past couple of days.  The kind that afterwards left me with a smile on my face AND in my heart.  But we'll talk about those another day. 

Love,
Rebecca



~"...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."    Joshua 24:14-16

Answered Prayers

Today is definitely a day for thanksgiving. 

Join me in thanking God for answering our prayers regarding Matt's pending surgery.

We had an appointment with his hematologist today, and he told us that he does not think his condition warrants the splenectomy at this time!!!

Yes, his circulating levels of platelets are very low.  But...it's a "false low" according to the hematologist because his spleen is hoarding the remaining platelets.  He has no symptoms that they would normally look for when preparing a patient for a splenectomy.  He doesn't have spontaneous bleeding (internal, from any bodily orifice, gums, etc).  He hasn't had an inordinate number of infections that he hasn't been able to fight off.  (Of course, it takes him longer than usual to fight colds/flu because of being diabetic and having the blood issue, but nothing out of the ordinary.)  He hasn't lost a significant amount of weight, he hasn't developed intolerable pain in the splenic region.

For now, we are status quo. 

He will continue to be monitored closely by his regular physician and hematologist, with blood tests every month and CT scans every six months to monitor the levels and spleen size.  Any significant changes and they will proceed with surgery. 

But for now, THANK GOD, he does not have to have surgery!!!

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in your thoughts and prayers.  Your support and friendship means the world to me!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Keeping it all in perspective

This morning I went and helped distribute food at a local food pantry.

I had no idea going in what I would be doing, I had never done anything like this before. I've been wanting to for a while, after I read in our local weekly paper that they do distributions every weekend. I had called them a while back, but the lady never got back to me, but this week I was able to reach someone and made arrangements to go volunteer this morning.

We served 50 families today. With an average of 3 members per family (some had more, some less, but averaged out to 3 per family), that's 150 people served out of this itty bitty food pantry. Just today. In three hours. In a town with a population of approximately 12,000 people.

It was a very rewarding, yet humbling experience to say the least.

There were a few people there that you could tell were the "abusers" of the system, but the majority of the people that received food today were so gracious. You could tell they didn't like having to come to the pantry, they were proud people, but the gratitude that exuded from them was just overwhelming. You hear of the hungry and the needy in the news and in the paper, but most of us (I'm guilty of it as well) don't give them a second thought on a daily basis. We all drop a can or two into the food donation box at the store or church or school without thinking what kind of impact it really makes. Until you see them. Until you look into the downcast eyes filled with an odd mixture of pride and pain and defeat and hope. Until the young widow with three teenage boys who lost her job takes your hand and tells you "God bless you"...

You just don't know.

I spent most of the day after I left in a pensive state. The only thought that kept running through my head was "There but for the grace of God..."

It truly brought into perspective many things in my life. Sure, Matt and I struggle some. We live paycheck to paycheck. We don't have money to take vacations or buy new cars or pay for fertility treatments or adoption. We don't wear fancy clothes or eat filet mignon every night. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix rather than going out to the theater. We hang out in the bookstore for entertainment instead of partying it up in a nightclub.

But...

We have a home.
We have food.
I have a job (and hopefully he will too soon!)
We have running water.
We have air conditioning, electricity, and heat.
We have vehicles that run and get us where we need to go.
We don't wonder where our next meal is going to come from or if we will freeze to death in our sleep.
We have each other.

And for these things I thank God.

And for these reasons I will continue to serve God and give thanks for my blessings by taking 3 hours out of my Saturday mornings to give to those less fortunate.

In Honor and Memory of Those Who Serve

I would like to take this time to humbly thank every Veteran, and all military service personnel for their service, commitment and sacrifice for our freedom and protection. My prayers are with all currently serving military personnel, their families, and especially the families whose soldiers have given the ultimate sacrifice...their lives.

Today I honor my ancestors who fought in the Civil War and WWI, both of my grandfathers who served in WWII, numerous great-uncles who also served in WWII and The Korean War, my uncles who fought in Vietnam and were subjected to harassment and shame upon return home by an ungrateful public, my hometown neighbors and classmates who served in Desert Storm and The Gulf War, and my cousin who served in Operation Enduring Freedom - KIA Ghanzi, Afghanistan, August 2009.

Today I pray for our soldiers, at home and abroad.

Today I thank them, humbly, for fighting for our freedom and our protection.

May God's presence be with each and every one of them as they fulfill their ascribed duty.

Today I pray for those soldiers who have returned home who are fighting their own personal wars of injuries, PTSD, marital stress, financial difficulties and readjustment to life as a civilian.

Today I pray that each and every soldier deployed will return home safely to their families and that we may experience peace.