It always feels weird returning to the ol' blog after an absence. I don't know why. I guess I feel there won't be anyone left reading, or anyone interested enough to stick with me through these breaks in blogging. But, truthfully, I don't blog for others...not to the extent that some do. Sure, I want people to be interested in what I read, I want them to come back, I want to "inspire" in some way my readers, and I want this blog to be useful to me and others. But my blog has always been an outlet for the crazy mixed up jumble of thoughts and emotions I've dealt with as we've trudged through infertility, miscarriage, and life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my readers and really really want you to continue to read...just please abide with me through the quiet times.
The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.
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My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her. She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.
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My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th. She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body. Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia). At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma. Her Bible was one of them. I thumbed through it at the visitation. It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin. There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout. It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well. I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it. I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did. (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have. I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young. My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's. I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day. I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over. For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own. My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me. I was floored and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't believe I was holding it again. I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)
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Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August. He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job. The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar. We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have. He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly. Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.
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My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's. I HATE IT!!! I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease. She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated. She sleeps most of the day. She rarely eats. She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk. She cannot do anything for herself. My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore. My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general). She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal. She can't respond to questions. When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish. Once in a great while she will respond to me. It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love. She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me. Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting. (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!) I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you"...to which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm". About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!). The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"! I laughed all the way home! This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home. She has no real quality of life. She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her. We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago. What is carrying on now is simply her body. Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between... What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother. The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother. She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her. My heart breaks every day for her. Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny. As devastating as it will be for me to lose her (truly...it will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this. There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.
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So...that's where I'm at right now. There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now. And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!
I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
February 9, 2013
October 18, 2012
The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)
Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here. Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good! (I'm not saying this too loud...)
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
WE ARE ADOPTING!!!
No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.
We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.
I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third. I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information. (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do? I have serious telephone anxiety. I HATE talking on the phone. You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living. My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way. We don't even call each other. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years. However, we text, email and tweet all day long! But the phone? Nah.)
One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching). We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January. That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.
To say we're excited is an extreme understatement. It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days. Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year. I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy! (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)
I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through. Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.
We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.
I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.
Hope everyone is having a great week!
Love,
Rebecca
April 13, 2012
A Simpler Road: Homemade Greek-style Yogurt
Well my bloggy friends, homemade food experiment #2 was, I have to say, a success as well!!!
I love yogurt. It's a staple in my diet. Especially Greek-style yogurt. If you're not familiar with Greek-style yogurt (how can you not be, it's all the rage nowadays! =P ), it's much thicker and denser than regular yogurt, with a slightly tangier, drier taste. It also has almost double the protein of regular yogurt, and packs a big nutritional punch. What I don't like is the price. It runs on average $1.00 per 6 oz container here where I live. Considering I shop bi-weekly, and I eat at least one container of yogurt a day, that's an extra $14.00 on my grocery bill that could be avoided by making homemade yogurt.
My best friend has been making homemade yogurt for a long time. Seriously, she's like Martha on crack. She is a homemade/handmade/frugal/grow and can your own domestic goddess. Seriously. Word to my girl. LOL The content of this recipe is largely in part from information I gleaned from her while knitting on Wednesday night. You know, credit where credit is due and all. =)
When you break it down to its most basic ingredients, delicious homemade yogurt is one of the simplest things to make (aside, perhaps, from my other recent culinary delight, homemade Apple Pie applesauce!). And, since simplifying is an ongoing theme here at The Road, it works out perfectly! There are a ton of homemade yogurt recipes out there, if you G.oo.gl.e it, you'll have more recipes and variations on homemade yogurt than you can shake a stick at!
Here's basically all you need:
~Milk.
~Live active yogurt cultures (obtained from a few tablespoons of plain storebought yogurt. You need this to "grow" or culture your new yogurt. It MUST say "live/active cultures" or it will not work!).
~A large saucepan/pot (if using stovetop method) or microwave safe casserole dish (if microwaving, which is what I did).
That's it. Really.
Let's get started!
I first gathered all my ingredients together. (Duh. How silly to point that out, huh?)
Finally I have a use for my 2.5 qt casserole dish other than roasting chicken! And how bout that snazzy new kitchen thermometer? You'll definitely want one of those when making yogurt.
I then poured the milk into the casserole dish. (You can use however much milk you desire. More milk = more yogurt). I used about half of my half-gallon since it was my first attempt...I didn't want to throw away an entire half gallon of milk if it didn't work!
I then heated the milk to approximately 185° F. (I've read anywhere from 180° to 190° is optimal). This step sterilizes the milk, and gives the yogurt cultures and good bacteria a nice environment to grow in. Since I was using the microwave, it took approximately 15 minutes (in 3 minute increments, stirring to avoid hot spots and testing temperature) to reach 185° (our microwave cooks really hot really fast).
Remove (carefully!) heated milk and allow to cool to approximately 110°F. (See why I said you'll want a thermometer?). You can simply set it on the counter and allow it to cool on its own, or place it in the sink with a inch or two of cold water. I chose the "quick cool" method of the sink and cold water.
*Be careful not to cool the milk too much! It only needs to cool to approximately 110° F. If it gets much cooler, the bacteria and live cultures won't have a good environment to "be fruitful and multiply"!
Once your milk has cooled, it's time to "pitch" your yogurt starter. All this means is add approximately 2 TBSP of your starter yogurt (either storebought plain yogurt or some reserved from your last batch of homemade) to the heated milk mixture.
I scooped a small amount of the heated milk into a Pyrex measuring cup and added my starter yogurt to that to thin it out a little and make it easier to distribute through the heated milk. I poured this back into the casserole dish and used a whisk to blend it all together.
Now comes the most important part. Keeping the culturing yogurt warm long enough to "set up". There are a multitude of ways to do this. Set your oven on the lowest setting for a while, then turn it off and place your incubating yogurt in the warm oven (with the oven light on to keep a little heat going). You can fill your sink with HOT water and using a rack of some sort place the yogurt over the water and cover with a towel to hold in the heat. You can pour your milk/starter mixture into your crockpot that has been preheated and then unplugged (wrap entire crock pot with a blanket or clean bath towel to hold in the heat). Or you can do what I did and use a heating pad. I turned my heating pad on the lowest setting, placed a thick potholder on top of that, then two kitchen towels, and finally placed my casserole dish of culturing yogurt on top of that and covered it with a towel. No matter what method you use, the point of this step is to keep the yogurt warmed to approximately 100-110° F in order for the live active yogurt cultures and good bacteria to do their work and ferment or "set" your yogurt. This also requires patience...something which I usually run a little short of, however I was so excited about the possibility of yogurt-making success that I was the Patience Poster Child. Ok, well, maybe not. I might have peeked a few times to make sure things were working as they should. =)
It will take several hours for yogurt to set up properly. Mine took about 7 hours to get to typical storebought yogurt consistency. If you prefer this, congratulations! You have just made yogurt!!! Transfer to whatever containers you will be using for storage, refrigerate and enjoy your new delicacy! It's wonderful with fresh fruit, drizzled with honey, a dollop of preserves or topped with granola. However, as I stated earlier, I really prefer Greek-style yogurt, so I went a few steps further with mine. If you want Greek-style yogurt, you will also need a strainer/colander, cheesecloth (I actually used an old but clean pillowcase since I didn't have cheesecloth on hand), and a bowl for the strainer to sit on. Place the strainer on the bowl (it should sit ON it, not IN it...you'll see why). Line the strainer/colander with the cloth and scoop the set-up yogurt into it. Toss the whole kit and kaboodle into the fridge and let it sit for several hours. *Leave it alone. Don't stir it, don't jiggle it, don't dance around your kitchen with it. Trust me, the latter is hard to avoid. It's so exciting to make homemade REAL food, how can you NOT want to crank up the Electric Slide and get your groove on with your curds and whey? Or is that just me? Well then...
After several hours (I left mine for about 5 more hours), take the strainer contraption, bowl and all, out of the fridge. You will see a yellowish tinted liquid sloshing around in the bowl. It's icky, but fine. That's the whey that has drained out of your yogurt. That's exactly what we wanted to happen. Just dump that down the sink, or if you can think of a use for it, more power to you, rock on with your whey-incorporating self! I dumped mine.
You see what's left in your pillowcase (er, cheesecloth)? That beautifully thick and creamy creation?
That's your Greek-style yogurt!!!
Just how delicious does that look? I used roughly 1 TBSP of strawberry preserves on the bottom of a 4 oz plastic food storage container, added my yogurt, and topped it off with a dollop of the same preserves. The one in the front is topped with honey.
I started with about 32 oz of 1% milk, and after all was said and done, it yielded approximately 12-16 oz of Greek-style yogurt. Had I not gone the extra steps to Greek-style, it obviously would have made more.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I made my first batch of homemade, all natural, delicious Greek-style yogurt!
I'd love to hear from you if you decide to try your hand at yogurt-making. If you've been making yogurt for years and have any suggestions for different recipes, add-ins, time saving or storage techniques, feel free to chime in too!
I'm loving this new-found passion of mine!
A Simpler Road: "Apple Pie" Applesauce
This is the first of what I hope will be a series of new posts titled "A Simpler Road". Like many people, I'm feeling quite a push (pull? nudge? something.) to simplify our lives. Our living space, our budget, our food, everything. Which, if you follow me on Pinterest, you will have noticed I've been pinning a lot of organizational ideas and real food recipes lately.
Today's post is about food. Real food. Easy food. Homemade applesauce to be exact. I had a few extra apples in the fridge that were just a little past good eating stage, but not at all shriveled or bad by any means. I decided this was the day I was going to try my hand at homemade applesauce. I remember when I was little, going to my Grandma and Grandpa's house to pick apples from Grandpa's apple tree. After we harvested all we could carry, the "womenfolk" would retire to the kitchen to sort, clean, peel, chop, boil, puree and can apples. All kinds of apples. Apple slices, applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling...you name it, it was made right there in Granny's kitchen. Ah, the smells, sights and sounds of that day...and the many days that followed...they are so vivid in my mind. I thought I would share with you the recipe I ended up using...well, actually creating, for my first batch of homemade applesauce. =)
Tonight I grabbed my apples, knives and spaghetti pot and got to work. As you can see, we enjoy a variety of apples here at The Road. Hubby likes the Golden Delicious, while I prefer Fuji, Honeycrisp, and Empire apples. I started with six apples. Two Golden Delicious, two Honeycrisp, and two Empire.
Today's post is about food. Real food. Easy food. Homemade applesauce to be exact. I had a few extra apples in the fridge that were just a little past good eating stage, but not at all shriveled or bad by any means. I decided this was the day I was going to try my hand at homemade applesauce. I remember when I was little, going to my Grandma and Grandpa's house to pick apples from Grandpa's apple tree. After we harvested all we could carry, the "womenfolk" would retire to the kitchen to sort, clean, peel, chop, boil, puree and can apples. All kinds of apples. Apple slices, applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling...you name it, it was made right there in Granny's kitchen. Ah, the smells, sights and sounds of that day...and the many days that followed...they are so vivid in my mind. I thought I would share with you the recipe I ended up using...well, actually creating, for my first batch of homemade applesauce. =)
Tonight I grabbed my apples, knives and spaghetti pot and got to work. As you can see, we enjoy a variety of apples here at The Road. Hubby likes the Golden Delicious, while I prefer Fuji, Honeycrisp, and Empire apples. I started with six apples. Two Golden Delicious, two Honeycrisp, and two Empire.
I cut, cored, and chopped them into approximate 1" cubes. (As you can see, I left the skins on. A lot of the recipes I read said that would be fine, that they would come right off and it wouldn't matter. Next time I will be peeling the apples before I chop them...more on that later!). I like a sweeter applesauce, and I love cinnamon, so I grabbed a few spices from the cabinet and sprinkled away. I used a generous amount of cinnamon, a few sprinkles of nutmeg, and a few sprinkles of ground cloves. The finished product, little did I know at this point, would turn out to taste like a homebaked apple pie!
You need to add some liquid to your apples to get them cooking. The average amount from what I read is between 1/2 to 1 cup of liquid. Some use water, some use apple cider. I had some orange-pineapple-apple juice in the fridge, so I used 1/2 cup of that diluted with 1/2 cup water. Simply pour the liquid over your apples, cover your pot, and bring to a boil. After the liquid comes to a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer and cook until the apples begin to break apart on their own. This step took approximately 30 minutes for my batch. (As you can see, if you leave the skins on your apples, they will "slough" off on their own. You can take the time to fish them out with kitchen tongs, tweezers, your fingers...whatever works for you. Of course, as I mentioned earlier, next time I will peel my apples first. It got real old real fast picking out all those skins!).
While my apples were cooking, I washed and dried the jars I was going to use for the applesauce. You will notice that some of them are not regular "canning jars". I am not going to be storing this batch long, since it was a trial batch and it didn't make a large amount, it will get eaten before it goes bad. If you will be canning your applesauce to store for a longer period of time, prepare your jars and lids as you usually would when you put up food.
When your apples are done, you can either use a potato masher for chunky applesauce or a food mill to create a less chunky applesauce. I just so happened to remember I had this antique food mill in the hall closet and it worked amazingly well to process my applesauce tonight!
Doesn't that look delicious? You wouldn't believe how good it smelled...and tasted!!! As you can see, this food mill produced a smoother sauce, more like store-bought applesauce.
After a few test tastes, I poured my newly made applesauce into my prepared jars. (Again, if you are canning a large amount to store for a longer period of time, continue from here as you normally would, using a commercial canner or water bath to seal your jars. I simply put mine in the fridge since this made such a small batch).
And, here you go:
Homemade Apple Pie Applesauce
This was so very easy to make, literally 2 ingredients (plus spices). No added sugar, no preservatives, no colorings, nothing. Just apples. And it tastes (especially hot off the stove) just like homemade apple pie. Just like Grandma used to bake.
Stay tuned for my next installment of A Simpler Road: Homemade Yogurt! (it's currently incubating as I type this!)
Enjoy!
June 19, 2010
Celebrating a Life Lived Well
My Great Aunt passed away this week. She had been in a nursing home for 4.5 years, suffering the effects of Alzheimer's disease. For the past two years, at least, she had no idea who any of us were, and lived in a world of her own thoughts that she could not communicate to the outside world. As you will read in the following remembrance that I would like to share with you, this disease seemed even more tragic and unfair when it struck Aunt Helen because she was a woman with a quick wit, a sharp mind, and a passion for life and service to God and humankind. She was the first woman in our family to attend college, obtained a Masters degree in Education (in the 30's when it was still rare for a woman to even go to college!), and spent a long life dedicated to the education of children, support of the arts and animals, and charity to those in need. Aunt Helen was a teacher for 39 years. Several of her former students came to her visitation this weekend to pay their respects and I was amazed at the way this woman touched lives. She inspired countless numbers of her students to become teachers themselves, and two of her former students have become Judges. As the minister said during her eulogy today, "Aunt Helen is still teaching children through the children she inspired to become teachers".
There is no better testament to the legacy this woman left behind than to serve as she served, love as she loved, live as she lived. And do it well.
Now I'd like to share with you a memorial my Grandmother wrote, in remembrance of her sister.
A teacher by nature, she had a natural curiosity that couldn't be curbed. Once, as the adults sat at the dining table, she snuck up behind her grandfather with a ruler to measure his somewhat large ears! Her mother chastised the young lady, but she couldn't resist. She was thrilled by the alphabet and how it could be used to improve verbal discourse, and truth be told Mother and family sometimes tired of the constant practice! Yes, Helen was vocal, at a time when children were to be seen and not heard. She wasn't disobedient, she was...enthusiastic.
When she was old enough to attend school (at the worldly age of six) she was adamant about her goal: she was going to be a teacher! She was an excellent student, and had a love affair with learning from the first day. Helen graduated from Pond Grade School, as valedictorian.
In addition to learning, Helen had a deep love a music that would last her whole life. She had already stretched her musical ability to include church choir, but the highlight of our adolescent lives was the $25 piano our Mom managed to purchase!
She entered Eureka High School, where she considered applying and expanding her skills an adventure. As the years progressed her commitment to learning grew and her ambitions were fired with the encouragement from a special friend, Miss Salfronk, a teacher who lived in our neighborhood. Her enthusiasm was rewarded and in 1939's graduating exercised at Eureka High School she was presented with the title of Valedictorian.
The next hurdle would be college, where she would move to an entirely different environment and meet a variety of new people. Would she fit in? She entered Harris Teacher's College in the fall of 1939. Determined, she secured more confidence by joining the dramatic club. She pledged to Theta-Sigma Upsilon sorority in 1940 and remained actively involved with the friends she made there for most of her life.
In 1943, her dream came true. She began a 39 year career as an elementary school teacher with the St. Louis School District at Mullanphy School. She became an active member of the Board of Education, and joined and served the PTA, which recognized her commitment with a lifetime membership in 1969. While working she attended the University of Missouri (1946-1949) where she earned her Masters degree. Her devotion to the education of our youth did not go unnoticed and she received the Reader's Digest Certificate of Scholastic Achievement Award, as well as being recognized as the Outstanding Leader in Elementary and Secondary Education in 1976.
Though immersed in teaching, her love of music remained. She belonged to the St. Louis Bach Society from 1945-1947, The Philharmonic Chorus from 1948-1949, and was the director of the Mullanphy Elementary School Choir. At a choir rehearsal at Powell Symphony Hall, she met the love of her life, Carl Scheller. They shared music, and a deep awareness of the needs of others, especially young children. They married January 26, 1952. Helen and Carl joined the Webster Groves Presbyterian Church, where they immediately joined the choir. Carl was active with the Shriners, and they both volunteered their time and talents to events and parades. They shared a love of travel as well, and made trips that included France, Scotland and Ireland.
Helen always looked for ways to help others. She was a volunteer at the St. Louis State Mental Hospital from 1958-1967, and after she retired from teaching, she spent many years donating her time at the Mary Queen Mother Center. She supported the Muny Opera in St. Louis, as well as the St. Louis Zoo. In her “free time” she tutored children that lived on her block and gave many children piano lessons.
She employed the same determination that motivated her scholastic and professional achievements to draw her into friendships as a child and an adult. Her love and deep sense of family was unwavering and ever apparent to her siblings, nieces, nephews, great-nieces and nephews, and all who knew her.
Helen was an essential part of our lives for three generations.
We will all miss her friendship, humor, love and generosity.
(Written by my grandmother, Ruth Ekstrom, reminiscing of her sister)
There is no better testament to the legacy this woman left behind than to serve as she served, love as she loved, live as she lived. And do it well.
Now I'd like to share with you a memorial my Grandmother wrote, in remembrance of her sister.
Celebrating a Life Lived Well
In remembrance of
Helen Margaret (Athey) Scheller
November 20, 1920 - June 16, 2010
Helen Athey was born with the “gift of gab”. She was always much more outspoken and daring than other members of her large family. Born November 20, 1920, she was the fifth of eight siblings: Jessie, Wilson (who tragically died of complications following measles), Bertha, Raymond and Roy (“the twins”), Edward and Ruth. Her father and mother, Charles and Carrie, were hard working and strict but the children understood the meaning of family and the siblings remained close and pulled together in times of both sadness and joy.
A teacher by nature, she had a natural curiosity that couldn't be curbed. Once, as the adults sat at the dining table, she snuck up behind her grandfather with a ruler to measure his somewhat large ears! Her mother chastised the young lady, but she couldn't resist. She was thrilled by the alphabet and how it could be used to improve verbal discourse, and truth be told Mother and family sometimes tired of the constant practice! Yes, Helen was vocal, at a time when children were to be seen and not heard. She wasn't disobedient, she was...enthusiastic.
When she was old enough to attend school (at the worldly age of six) she was adamant about her goal: she was going to be a teacher! She was an excellent student, and had a love affair with learning from the first day. Helen graduated from Pond Grade School, as valedictorian.
In addition to learning, Helen had a deep love a music that would last her whole life. She had already stretched her musical ability to include church choir, but the highlight of our adolescent lives was the $25 piano our Mom managed to purchase!
She entered Eureka High School, where she considered applying and expanding her skills an adventure. As the years progressed her commitment to learning grew and her ambitions were fired with the encouragement from a special friend, Miss Salfronk, a teacher who lived in our neighborhood. Her enthusiasm was rewarded and in 1939's graduating exercised at Eureka High School she was presented with the title of Valedictorian.
The next hurdle would be college, where she would move to an entirely different environment and meet a variety of new people. Would she fit in? She entered Harris Teacher's College in the fall of 1939. Determined, she secured more confidence by joining the dramatic club. She pledged to Theta-Sigma Upsilon sorority in 1940 and remained actively involved with the friends she made there for most of her life.
In 1943, her dream came true. She began a 39 year career as an elementary school teacher with the St. Louis School District at Mullanphy School. She became an active member of the Board of Education, and joined and served the PTA, which recognized her commitment with a lifetime membership in 1969. While working she attended the University of Missouri (1946-1949) where she earned her Masters degree. Her devotion to the education of our youth did not go unnoticed and she received the Reader's Digest Certificate of Scholastic Achievement Award, as well as being recognized as the Outstanding Leader in Elementary and Secondary Education in 1976.
Though immersed in teaching, her love of music remained. She belonged to the St. Louis Bach Society from 1945-1947, The Philharmonic Chorus from 1948-1949, and was the director of the Mullanphy Elementary School Choir. At a choir rehearsal at Powell Symphony Hall, she met the love of her life, Carl Scheller. They shared music, and a deep awareness of the needs of others, especially young children. They married January 26, 1952. Helen and Carl joined the Webster Groves Presbyterian Church, where they immediately joined the choir. Carl was active with the Shriners, and they both volunteered their time and talents to events and parades. They shared a love of travel as well, and made trips that included France, Scotland and Ireland.
Helen always looked for ways to help others. She was a volunteer at the St. Louis State Mental Hospital from 1958-1967, and after she retired from teaching, she spent many years donating her time at the Mary Queen Mother Center. She supported the Muny Opera in St. Louis, as well as the St. Louis Zoo. In her “free time” she tutored children that lived on her block and gave many children piano lessons.
She employed the same determination that motivated her scholastic and professional achievements to draw her into friendships as a child and an adult. Her love and deep sense of family was unwavering and ever apparent to her siblings, nieces, nephews, great-nieces and nephews, and all who knew her.
Helen was an essential part of our lives for three generations.
We will all miss her friendship, humor, love and generosity.
(Written by my grandmother, Ruth Ekstrom, reminiscing of her sister)
April 1, 2010
A few steps down the path...
There has been so much going on around here lately for us. Some of it has been good, some challenging, but all of it has been a learning experience. Through the past few weeks I've learned more about myself, grown in my faith in God, and learned so much about the people I am blessed to call my family and friends.
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
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