Right Now

Right Now I'm...

Reading: The Fiery Cross (Outlander Series, #5) by Diana Gabaldon.  Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado.  Captivating: Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge.  Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young.
Just finished re-reading The Shack by William Paul Young and waiting to see the movie with my Mom.

Watching: Just watched the series finale of Bones the other night. I was seriously bummed when I heard this was the final season. I've loved Bones since the first episode, and loved the books the series was based on as well. Getting ready to cue up last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy...although, after the heartwrenching episode last week I'm not sure if I should or not! (Major Daddy dying triggers in the last episode.)  Have you seen This Is Us? If you haven't, you're seriously missing out! I think it's the most real show I've seen in forever. There was not a single episode that didn't touch me in some way, shape, or form. There were definitely a lot of emotional triggers in the whole season, but in a weird way, each episode helped me deal with "something". Just watch it. Seriously.

Following: Daniel Euan Henderson on YouTube. I think I stumbled upon a video of his on Facebook one time and I've been a fan ever since. He's an adorable Scottish guy who does these short "motivational" videos. He's a riot! He also has some serious videos about depression, anxiety, and overcoming your own obstacles. And his accent! Just go watch him!

Eating: A lot healthier! That will be a series of posts in an of itself, but suffice it to say I've been improving my eating habits in order to heal some chronic health issues I've been dealing with. All in all, it's going pretty well. More on that later!

Wearing: Sweatpants, a t-shirt, and warm fuzzy socks. I'm on vacation, I can wear what I want!

Recuperating: Mentally and emotionally, still from Daddy's death. I have years' worth of writing to do on that topic, trust me. I will eventually get around to putting all my feelings into words here. I just need a bit of time. Physically, my back and knee are getting a tad bit better, mainly from my better eating, more activity, and some good pain pills (finally!).

Wondering: How many readers I have and what I'll post next...

Looking Forward: To the next TWELVE days of vacation time!!!

Enjoying: Not having to go to work for the next twelve days! hahaha

Planning: Lots of work around the house for the next twelve days of vacation. My mom and I will be getting some things organized, pictures hung (finally...we've only lived here two and a half years already and don't have a damn thing hung up!), the garden started, flowerbeds and memory garden built...so many things I'm tired just thinking about it!

I stole this little meme from my friend to get me back in the groove of blogging again.

Thanks for reading!

Have a great Friday night!

Rebecca

Finished Scarf, WIP socks

Last night I finished my latest knitting project, a scarf for my stepson's bio-mom.  I know, you're asking yourself "Really?".  Yep.  My stepson's bio-mom knows I'm a knitter, so she asked me if I would be willing to make her a scarf if she provided the yarn.  I said sure, and set off to tackle the Lion Brand Homespun once again.  I have to admit, it makes lovely scarves, but it drives me crazy to knit with because it constantly sheds these tiny little wispies of fiber that of course float right to my nose and eyelashes and bug the beejeezus out of me!  So, you could say I'm glad to be done with this yarn for a while!  I do believe it turned out very nice though. 

I call it "The Other Mother Scarf"
=)

It looks smaller in the picture,
but that's
SIX FEET of warm scarfy goodness right there!

I totally didn't mind making the scarf (partly because I got to keep the leftover yarn -can you say stash?-, AND she gave me a Joann's gift card for doing it...bonus!) but I felt a little antsy toward the last two feet of it.  See, this year was supposed to be the year of knitting FOR ME...projects that I wanted to do for MYSELF.  Of all the knitting I've done over the 6 years I've been knitting, I've only made myself 3 pair of socks, one scarf, and 3 knitted bags (along with a few dishrags here and there).  So far this year I've made a hat for my husband, a scarf for my mom, and a scarf for my stepson's bio-mom.  All while I've been sneaking a row or two at a time on my Twilight Socks.

Well, no more sneaking around.  Now that I'm done with everyone else's gifts and projects, it's time to turn the knitting focus on my beautiful sockies! 

Twilight Socks

I'd love to chat more, and trust me, I do have more to say, but for right now, there is some delicious merino wool calling my name from the living room!

Love,

Hair's to ya!

 I have dealt with some pretty significant hair loss since my early 20's, when my PCOS began to really run wild.  It has gotten to the point that I have to keep my hair very short because it is so fine that when it does grow out, it looks like a bad combover.  I have recently come to realize that my hair loss has really been affecting me...more than I ever knew.  I got a bad haircut the other day.  They basically butchered my hair.  I was taking pictures to show a friend of mine that was trying to console me, and realized just how thin my hair has gotten. 

Exhibit A:

This hair loss evidently runs in my mother's side of the family as well, because my Mom and Grandmother both have significant thinning...so much so that they both decided a couple of years ago to get wigs.  They are adorable and look so natural on them.  My mom jokingly said one day that if I quit smoking that she would buy me a wig (because she knew my hair loss bothers me so much).  I didn't think much of it until earlier this week, when I got that bad haircut.  It got me to thinking how I haven't felt "pretty" or attractive in a long time, and how I never want to go anywhere because I'm so self conscious of my hair loss.  I know "it's just hair", and hair doesn't define me, but I liken the way I'm feeling to someone who has had to wear dorky coke bottle glasses or someone who has really crooked teeth.  They might feel self conscious, their self esteem might take a blow.  But...the first time they wear their new contacts or get their braces taken off to reveal a straight smile...imagine how good they must feel about themselves!

So...I decided to take my Mom up on her offer of a wig.  We went to get it today.  And I love it!!! 

It matches my natural color perfectly, and I think the style is just adorable!  My hubby loves it, my "inner circle" (big sis, best friend, parents) all love it, so it definitely passed the test!!!  It's similar to how I used to wear my hair back when I had hair, so it's not a drastic change. 

I couldn't be happier! 

That's it...I QUIT!

Eleven days ago I quit smoking.

I had been smoking almost a pack a day for 15 years.

And I quit cold turkey.

Surprisingly, I'm doing quite well. Praying daily for God's assistance in keeping me strong and "staying quit" is helping.

Other than a few "hmm, I'd sure enjoy a cigarette right now" moments, I really haven't had horrible withdrawals or cravings. It's been a lot easier than I thought. It's been a little bit of a challenge, I'm not going to lie, but I really feel the physical part of the addiction is past. As with any habit, I believe the majority of my smoking addiction was psychological. It was routine. It was pattern. It was comfort. Breaking those patterns and recognizing the triggers has been key. I believe I used smoking to avoid a lot. When I was bored, I went outside and smoked. When I was irritated or frustrated, I went outside and smoked. When I wanted a few minutes alone, I went outside and smoked. Now the key is confronting those times when I am bored, irritated, frustrated or avoiding something and working THROUGH it rather than stepping AROUND it in a cloud of smoke.

I'll have more to say about all this later, along with a few other topics, I just wanted to drop in and give a quick update on me since it's been a while.

I hope you are all well!

Wee Bits of Me Wednesday

Today's post inspired by:

{one}

Do you collect anything? If so, what and how long have you been collecting?

I started collecting teddy bears when I was very young, probably about 8 or 9. I have over 200 of them. I now collect anything ladybug themed, and books. Always books. :)

{two}

What is one cleaning tip that you swear by?

None, unless you count Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. Those things rock!

{three}

Who would you call for bail money?

Whoever wasn't sitting next to me in the jail cell!

{four}

What is one thing you miss about being a kid?

The innocence and wonder.

{five}

Name a few of your guilty pleasures.

Coffee. Chocolate. Sleeping. Yarn.

{six}

How early do you start your holiday shopping?

I try to avoid the commercialism of the holidays, it's always bothered me, but more significantly now since we've returned to Church. I usually buy the gifts we do exchange a few weeks before Christmas, unless it's something that needs to be special ordered or something.

{seven}

What is a family tradition that you would like to pass on to your significant other/children?

Attending Midnight Christmas Eve service at our church, followed by breakfast at our local 24 hour greasy spoon diner.

Buying one less gift for each other and giving that money to a local charity/soup kitchen/food pantry.

{eight}

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

The glory for anything I've ever achieved in my life is 100% attributable to the grace of God and God alone. I am merely a sinful servant through which His work is done.

{nine}

What do you do to pamper yourself?

Pedicures. Sleep. Disconnect from the phone/internet/etc and have a hermit day. Bubble baths. Wine (very occasionally!).

{ten}

If you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?

I have dreams of opening a bookstore / knitter's haven / coffee shop. I haven't settled on a name yet. =)

NaBloPoMo Day 9: Jobs I've Had

Jumping back on the NaBloPoMo bandwagon...

Apparently I can't even manage to handle a 30 day blog posting challenge. But...I digress.

Tonight's topic is: List the jobs you've had during your life.

• Well, starting off as a "tween" and early teenager I babysat.
• When I was 16, I got my first "real" job, working at Six Flags (Over Mid America...just outside St. Louis, MO). I worked in the "Wardrobe" department. It was much less glamorous than it sounds. I basically did laundry for the entire park. All park employees wear uniforms, and it is the Wardrobe department's job to issue/launder/maintain all said uniforms. I worked there, in the same department, for three years. And people wonder why I don't like doing laundry now.
• When I was 19, I got a job as a teller in a bank. I really enjoyed it, and was good at it. I worked my way up the ranks from teller to lead teller to supervisor trainee. Due to some personal problems I was having at the time, I quit that job when I was about 22 or 23 I think.
• I then went to work for Dierberg's Supermarkets as a cashier for about 9 months.
• I worked next for Blockbuster video for a year or so. I started as a clerk and worked up to assistant manager. I really enjoyed this job, but due to personality conflicts with the manager I worked with, I quit.
• My next job was at an answering service. I was there for approximately a year, maybe a little more.
• In July 1999, I began working for my current employer, a 9-1-1 dispatch center. I did take a 10 month hiatus in 2007...and worked for a home medical equipment company, but due to financial reasons, I went back to 9-1-1 in April of 2008.

If I was asked out of all of those what my favorite job has been, it would have to be a cross between Blockbuster (just because we had some really good times there!) and 9-1-1. I love my job...maybe not always the people...but I definitely love what I do for a living.

Maybe someday I'll have enough mental energy for a REAL blog post!

NaBloPoMo Day 7 - Places I have lived

In lieu of a long insightful post tonight, I'm going to fall back on some writing prompts I found while scouring the Internet looking for topics to post about during this 30 days of blogging.

Tonight's post is 10 Places I Have Lived:

(Although I'm not sure I've lived 10 places...but here goes)

• My parent's house in High Ridge.
• My parent's second house in High Ridge where we moved when I was 8 and where my parents still reside.
• An apartment in Fenton with a friend from high school (didn't last long, we kind of had a falling out).
• My parent's house, High Ridge.
• An apartment in the Tower Grove neighborhood in St. Louis City.
• An apartment in Hillsboro.
• My parent's home in High Ridge.
• The little house I bought in Festus (which, sadly we lost recently).
• The apartment I now live in with my husband in Festus.

Well, that's only 9 (technically only 6, but I counted all the times I've moved...), but who's counting! How many different places have you lived?

Hopefully tomorrow's and future posts will be more exciting and profound...I'm worn out from working a lot of overtime this weekend and getting our hineys kicked at work. (So tired in fact I originally titled this post NaBloPoMo Day 6...sheesh!)

I'm off to dreamland!

Have a good night!

Time Flies...

Sorry for my absence you wonderful bloggy friends! I have missed you all! Life has a serious way of getting in my way sometimes, and I am just now getting a chance to stop, take a breath, and catch up. (And by catch up I mean read the 430 blog posts that are stacking up in my reader, redo a little blog and website designing, and get back into the swing of semi-normal life!)

Lets see...what's been going on around here?

The Road: First of all, you might notice some blog changes. I am incredibly A.D.D. and O.C.D. when it comes to my blog. I have spent more hours than I care to count combing the web for the PERFECT blog layout. Then I spend more time tweaking little things...my widgets and links, buttons and sidebars. I drive myself crazy with it. I settled on this layout today (finally!) even though it's a Thanksgiving theme, because I love the colors and the words "Give Thanks" on it. It's a subtle little nudge everytime I open my blog to be thankful and live with gratitude. (I'm not totally hip to the "dinner at Grandma's" type photo idea, but I can't do anything about it, so I'm rollin' with it).
Next, I have added a couple different buttons to my sidebar. Over there to the right you'll see a section called "Snag A Button". They are both for you to take if you so choose. One links to this blog, and the other links to my Women's Prayer Ministry website. Feel free to grab them. And please, if you feel moved to do so, visit/join my ministry site and pass it on to anyone you believe would like to join.
Under the buttons, there are two scrolling marquees. These are people I follow. "IF friends" are my infertility blogging buddies, and "Women of Faith" are some really insightful Christian women bloggers/sites I've come across lately. If you have a blog button and I haven't snagged it for my marquees, PLEASE notify me! I would LOVE to have it!!!
Up top, right below the header, are three page tabs. "My Journey" details the origin of this blog. "The Bookshelf" chronicles my insane addiction to books. :) "My Women's Ministry" page explains the genesis of Let Me Sow Love: A Meeting Place For Christian Women, my prayer ministry website.
And last but certainly not least, over on the left sidebar are links to my Ravelry page and Twitter. Add me to either or both, if you so choose!

Work: I was switched crews a couple of weeks ago, so instead of working my usual 28 days of dayshift, I worked 14 days of dayshift, then went back to nightshift for the other 14 days. Now I have this weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun) off and will start another 28 days of dayshift beginning Monday morning. The quick turn from days to nights a couple weeks ago, coupled with the changing season has me upside down and topsy turvy. I'm lucky to remember what day it is and if I put on clean underwear!
For those of you who are newcomers to The Road, I work as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. Yes, it is a crazy job; stressful, long hours, dealing with the crazy public and even crazier cops! But, it is also a very fulfilling job. I love that in doing what I do I am able to fulfill my calling to help others in some way. Whether it be as serious as talking someone through CPR on a loved one, dispatching an officer to a fight in progress or domestic disturbance, staying on the phone with a scared citizen who believes there might be someone in their home, calming a suicidal subject down until the officers and paramedics can get there to help them...or as minor as giving a caller the phone number to the jail...I serve someone in their time of need. Trust me, there are days I feel like burying my head under the covers and not dealing with the craziness, but there are always moments in every shift that make it worth it to leave my husband and family for 12 hours a day, weekends, nights, and holidays. And that's what keeps me going. My work schedule is one that confuses even me. On dayshift I work 6am to 6pm, and on nightshift, 6pm to 6am. There are a couple of short days thrown in there to even it out to 40 hrs a week...sometimes I'll work 3 12's and a 4 hour day, sometimes 2 12's and 2 8's...it all depends on what the staffing needs are on that particular week. The good thing about my schedule is that I always have every other weekend Friday thru Sunday off, and every other Wednesday/Thursday off. Makes it a lot easier to schedule doctor's appointments, family get-togethers, etc.

Health: This has been a struggle lately. About 3 weeks or a month ago, I came down with a severe sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. It kicked my butt, I tell ya what! I finally kicked it, and by the time I felt halfway human, Matt picked it up. With him being diabetic and having a compromised immune system (he has blood disorders called thrombocytopenia and leukopenia; basically his spleen is enlarged and "eats" the majority of his white blood cells, so he can't fight infection as well as someone without it, and his blood doesn't clot well), any sickness hits him HARD. His sinus infection/URI turned into bronchitis and he was in bad order for a while. We're both over that now, thank goodness!
And, last week sometime I began having serious lower back pain. As in could barely move, felt like someone was stabbing me in the butt, call off work and lay in my recliner for three days back pain. I went to the local urgent care and the doctor there "diagnosed" me with a probable slipped disc and muscle sprain. I was given muscle relaxers and painkillers and sent home to rest. I didn't truly believe there was a slipped disc (first of all he didn't do any x-rays, MRI, nothing to actually SEE a disc problem). So I called a chiropractor and went in last Monday for an exam and adjustment. He took x-rays and did a much more thorough exam than the urgent care doctor did, and performed several adjustments on my lower back. After he read the x-rays, he told me I did not in fact have a slipped disc...the problem was that my pelvis was seriously tilted forward and much higher on the left than on the right. This was what was causing the pain, because in tilting and rotating it was pinching off the nerves on the left side of my spine in the pelvic region. The muscle pain was from my body unconsciously trying to overcompensate for my pelvis being off-kilter. So, I'm on a regimen of scheduled adjustments and pelvic exercises to get it back in place and strengthen the muscles to keep it in alignment. When I first went in to the chiro, I was afraid he was going to take one look at me and blame the pain all on my weight (as every doctor I've been to blames everything on...pain, my PCOS, my infertility, you name it doctors have blamed my weight for it). Now, I'm not an unintelligent person. I realize I'm overweight. By more than a few pounds. But I've hovered around my current weight for several years (unfortunately), and have NEVER had such severe sudden onset of back pain EVER. I explained this to him and he stopped me in my tracks. He looked at me and said "Skinny people have back problems too. Their spines and pelvises get out of alignment too. You think only overweight people need chiropractic care?" That made me feel so much better! He even said he's sure that I realize that my weight doesn't make it any easier on my back, and that losing some would certainly help, but that it wasn't the CAUSE of my pelvis getting torqued. Anything could have happened to do that. And I do realize that I need to lose a substantial amount of weight for many reasons. And I am trying. My PCOS and untreated thyroid condition make it so very hard though. (And I say "untreated" because every doctor I've gone to has refused to treat my hypothyroidism. Bastards.) Anyway...long story short (too late!), I'm on the road to recovery from that and actually can't wait til I can get back to the gym and get some of this nasty blubber off me!

PCOS: Speaking of the bane of my existence, I really need to get this under control. A few months back, I was notified by my husband and mom of a webchat with a prominent St. Louis fertility specialist. I logged on and chatted with him and several other women for a while. He is AMAZING! I had asked him if he believed in the link between PCOS, thyroid problems, and infertility. He amazed me and said yes, there is a HUGE link between all three! No one ever wanted to believe me before (even after printing out research on it and shoving it in their faces!). He said that he wanted me to make an appointment because he wanted to get me going on treatment. He specializes in PCOS, and is a leading doc in the country for infertility issues/IVF/ICSI. Whodathunkit? Right here in my own backyard...a FAMOUS infertility doc?!?!?! I still have yet to make the appointment...don't know why. I think I'm scared.

Church: With all the aforementioned issues going on, we haven't been to church in over a month, and we're both starting to miss it! If it wasn't me on nights, it was me sick, then Matt sick, then me injured...we're going to church this Sunday come Hades or high water! LOL
I also need to get back into a routine of Bible reading/focused prayer time. When I was doing that I felt so much more centered, more peaceful, more connected to God. I miss that. I know that He is always there, and He is ready to listen...I just haven't made the time lately to talk to Him.

Knitting: I'm currently working on another pair of socks. Imagine that! I love sock-knitting. I don't know why, but they're some of my favorite projects to make. This time I'm learning a few different techniques (for you non-knitters this will be gibberish, so feel free to gloss over this section!). The first was a provisional cast-on with crochet chain. After watching a couple YouTube video tutorials, it was pretty much no big deal. The only problem was that I couldn't get my provisional stitches to "unzip" the way they're supposed to, so I had to "uncrochet" all of them. That was a pain in my ample backside, let me tell ya. That led into the next new technique: socks from the toe up using a short row toe. I have no earthly idea HOW this works, and if I had the option to explain how the short rows make the little toe pocket or sleep on a bed of nails...lets just say I'd have to buy stock in Band-Aid for all the little puncture wounds on my back. That's how clueless I am of the workings of short rows. Don't know how they work, don't really care to...all I know is that with a few wraps of the yarn and several turns of your work, VOILA! You have what looks like a little pocket for the toe of your sock. It's a little bit of knitting magic, really. I'll post some pics in the next few days of my progress on the current sock...I think you're gonna love it!

Holy jeebus! This was intended as a short "where I've been/what I've been up to" catch up post! Well, that idea flew out the window about 1000 words ago, didn't it?

I do hope you're all doing well. Please fill me in on the goings-on in your lives if I've missed an important post. And, if you or anyone you know has a prayer need or request, let me know. I feel very moved to pray for others and will add every request to my daily prayers.

Lame excuse for a post...

I'm still here.  It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, getting back into the swing of being on night shift, some issues I'm dealing with, and coming down with an early season cold and such.  But I'm here.  I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs, I've been reading and thinking about all of you, and keeping you all in my prayers.

I'm kind of at a loss for anything witty, insightful or inspiring to write about.  I'm just tapped out right now.

I did finally finish the gifts I was working on for my friend in PA.  Since I know she's already received them, I will post pics of them now.

[caption id="attachment_804" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="Log Cabin Baby Blanket"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Kimono style baby sweater"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_806" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Sweet baby gifts"][/caption]

I was really happy with the way they both turned out.  These patterns were "firsts" for me, I hadn't done them before, so it was nice to kind of stretch my legs a bit and venture out of the ordinary. 

I'm now knitting on another pair of socks for myself.  I love knitting socks, and this pair is turning out really nice so far.

[caption id="attachment_807" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Open Rib Socks"][/caption]

 

(My mom made the little blue bag so I can carry my sock knitting project with me.  And it comes in quite handy!) 

If you're curious about the patterns or more info about these knitting projects, you can click on my Ravelry button on the right sidebar and it will take you to my Ravelry page where you can see what I've been working on.  :)

I guess I'll sign off for now.  Sorry this was such a lame post, I just don't feel like saying much right now.  :(

Challenging myself...

Kristin from Dragondreamer’s Lair is hosting the Annual Book Challenge.  Since I read all the time anyway, why not challenge myself to see just how many books I can devour in one year?  I usually average one to two a month, depending on the book length, content or subject matter, and my availability of reading time.  So this year I am challenging myself to up it a bit (and maybe reap the added benefit of a little less mindless time in front of the TV…although, TV time is my knitting time, so this might be tough considering the amount of projects I have lined up!).  My goal is 3 books a month, or a total of 36 books read in 2010.  I have one (and a half) down already.  You can check the “My Reading List” page for what I’m currently reading and have lined up to read.

In knitty news, a few weeks ago my bestest friend and I had a girls’ day out trip to a local yarn store.  We had such a great time!  She bought some gorgeous yarn for a sweater project, and I bought some beautiful sock yarn.  I am deliriously in love with the colorway of this yarn. 



It reminds me of twilight on a spring evening…cool, calm and a little mysterious. 

I also bought my first 100% wool yarn.  (I'm usually a cheapskate frugal, and use less expensive, mostly acrylic or "blend" yarn.  I felt might hoity toity purchasing these fibers, let me tell ya!)  I plan to use it for my first felted project, a Booga Bag.  I have to admit, I honestly believe this has to be the UGLIEST yarn I have ever laid eyes on. 

 

However, I just had to have it in spite of (or because of?) the sheer hideousness of it.  The picture isn't true to life,  but it's orange/muddy green/brighter green/red.  Blech!  I think it will knit up beautifully and give a gorgeous stripe.  The socks and bag will have to wait for a little bit because I still have several projects STILL on the needles.  In addition to the baby gifts I’m furiously trying to finish before my friend’s twin boys get here, I have a scarf for my sister (that was supposed to be part of her Christmas gift, but since she does live in Minnesota, no worries…there will be winterlike weather there for quite a while!), a knitted skullcap for my sweet husband, and my Renaissance Sweater.  I have a feeling I am going to have to redo a couple of the panels because I think I wasn’t following the right section of the pattern.  OOPS.  Bummer.  Oh well, everything is a learning experience, right?  My knitting challenge for this year is to make more things for ME.  I love knitting for other people, don't get me wrong!  I love the feeling I get knowing that I created something one-of-a-kind for someone.  However, most of my "other people" projects have been baby gifts, and sometimes it's just too darn hard for me to keep knitting baby sweater after baby sweater and baby blanket after baby blanket for everyone else but myself.  So...I'm taking a step back from consistently knitting for others and taking some time to knit for myself this year.  I have lots of projects lined up, and I'll share them as I start each one.  :)

Another task I’m challenging myself with this year (and a significant portion of The Year of Self) is to read the Bible cover to cover.  My bestest friend (who has also become sort of a “faith mentor” to me as of late) is participating in the Bible in 90 Days challenge.  I’m doing a “modified” version of that.  I am not setting a daily page quota, rather trying to make a conscious effort to make reading my Bible at least 30 minutes a day before any other leisure activity (including knitting…egads!).  I’ve missed a couple of days just due to things going on around here, and I really find that I miss that quiet time.  I’m still in Genesis, of course, but making progress.  The Bible I use also has a guided topic reading track that I’m also using during my readings.  I must admit, I’m surprised at how much comfort my going back to church and taking steps to reconstruct my relationship with and faith in God has brought me.  I still have many, many questions and stumbling blocks to overcome, but I’m getting there.  One step at a time.  I’m trying to institute a routine of daily prayer time, learning how to pray*, and trying to understand and embrace the concept of “God’s Will” and submitting (the mere mention of the word raises my feminist hackles, I can’t help it) to Him while still believing I have free will.  My conversations with my bestest have not only shed a different light on my view of religion, but also opened up a whole new dimension to our friendship.  I cannot describe how that makes me feel.  We’ve been through a lot in our friendship, and for a while I honestly didn’t know that this level of connection between us was even possible.  God has been working in mysterious ways, as the old saying goes, in my life recently.  And I thank Him every day for it.  Now if only He could grant me a few more hours in each day to accomplish all this reading, learning and knitting …THAT would be great!  Have a great night everyone!   

 *How do you pray?  Do you have a standard prayer that you use each time you pray?  Do you have an “outline” you follow when praying or do you simply speak to God about what is on your heart as you would a friend?  Is there, in your opinion, a right or wrong way to pray?  Would you mind sharing some examples with me?

Updates in brief

I really would love to be able to devote the time I want to developing this blog post, however given that I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for the past 36 hours, I'm running a fever, have gone through two boxes of Kleenex and a roll of toilet paper trying to staunch the flow whatever is coming out of my nose (how is it that mucus can clog my sinuses like concrete one minute and be free flowing out my nostrils the next?  I mean really.)...I'm just going to do a quickie update and come back later and expand on it.  :)

~New Year's Eve service at our "new" church = beautiful.  I think we've found our church home.

~I finished up two of the baby sweaters I've been knitting as gifts for a dear friend expecting twins via surrogate.  They are adorable!  Pictures will be available after I know she's received them (haven't shipped them yet as I still have a couple more surprises up my sleeve for her and her boys!)

~Haven't had AF since going off the pill  in November.  Apparently I didn't ovulate and am inducing AF with progesterone so we can get the ball rolling.

~Bitter record cold temps here recently and our first "big" snow of the season fell overnight.  People STILL don't know how to drive on snow around here.  Busy day at work dispatching calls for idiots in SUV's that thought they were invincible and wound up in ditches all day. 

~Learned today that although Carmex is amazing for chapped lips...one ought not use it on a chapped nose rubbed raw by Kleenex and noseblowing.  That's all I'm sayin'.

Off to drift into a Nyquil induced coma...I'm off all weekend so hopefully this crap will leave me soon so I can enjoy some of it!

Welcome 2010!

Happy New Year blogfriends!!!

A lot of people talk about resolutions this time of year.  For me, the very mention of the words New Year's Resolution makes my skin crawl and I feel the need to break out my rag doll and hide in a corner sucking my thumb me anxious.  But that's just me.  I am thrilled for people that can come up with a list of things they want to do/change/accomplish/try/experience/etc throughout the year and actually stick to it.  That's the hard part.  The "stick-to-it-iveness" part of resolutions.  I haven't made a New Year's Resolution for literally, well, years.  Why?  Because it's the immense crushing sense of failure I feel when I don't stick to them.  I always resolve to lose weight.  To be more organized.  To do this or that or try something new.  I do okay for about 3 weeks and then it all goes to hell in a handbasket.  And I feel like shit about it.  So...I resolved years ago to not make any more New Year's resolutions.  This, my friends, is one resolution I have actually stuck to!  :)

A friend and I were talking the other night and she said she is declaring 2010 her "Year of/for Me".  The more I got to thinking about it, the more I love the idea. 

I'm jumping on the bandwagon and claiming 2010 as my "Year of Self".  I have a reason for calling it that, and that will be explained in a later post. 

So...do you make New Year's Resolutions?  Why or why not?  If you do, what were/are some of yours for 2010?

There's been something bothering me the past few days.

When I moved to Wordpress, everything went smoothly, I was all excited about the fresh new space.

The one thing I didn't think of was...how the crap am I going to stay up-to-date with all my blogfriends? I usually received updates through the "blogs I follow" feature on Blogger. Since I'm not using that site anymore, what's a girl to do???

I then came across a comment on a previous post that mentioned Go.ogle Rea.der. It was as if a giant lightbulb was switched on over my head, the clouds parted, the sun began to shine, bluebirds flew out of my ass, and heavenly choirs of angels sang hymns of praise.

Ok, maybe not, but it sounded good and dramatic, did it not? I wondered to myself "What exactly is this Goo.gle Read.er you speak of? How does it work? Can it magically track new posts on all the blogs I love to read and hold them all in one convenient location until I have time to read them?"

Amazingly, blogfriends, it CAN!

So...I never said I was the brightest crayon in the box. And I'm usually last in line, a day late and a dollar short.

Regardless, I have discovered the joyousness that is Go.ogle Reade.r.

And I am in love.

Another step on the road

Please, no bashing of my beliefs or ideas. While I welcome discussion, insight, or respectful sharing of alternative ideals, attacking comments will be deleted. Thanks.

I haven’t talked a lot about faith and religion in my blogs before.  I guess part of the reason is that I’m not comfortable enough in my own understanding and faith to really delve deep into it, and I am very shaky in my faith.  I falter and question more than I accept and follow.  I haven’t read much of the Bible since I was in my early twenties, and I’m just not comfortable with where I “fit in” in relation to religion and faith.  I have views and values that are/might not be “compatible” with certain people’s beliefs, and it bothers me sometimes to be judged for them by those people.  I think when you’ve been through any life-altering event or struggle people tend to react one of two ways.  They either turn toward God and their faith for comfort and their faith in turn grows as it strengthens and comforts them.  Or they turn their back on the church and God because they feel that God has turned His back on them.  I, sadly, fall into the latter category.  I haven’t admitted that in a long time.  There was a time that I went to God with every concern and prayer.  I gave thanks for what I was given and had in my life and prayed fervently for God to grant us a child.  He didn’t.  I still can’t understand why.  I have been quite bitter about religion, God and church for a long time because of that.  I can’t understand why if I have tried to live my life as a good person, how come I can’t have a child…yet the crackwhore down the street who neglects and abuses her children can have a litter of them?   I just can’t reconcile that in my mind.  It makes no sense.  If someone could explain the justification behind that I would LOVE to hear it.  I have asked God to heal my broken heart but still it remains pained and shattered.  I believe in God…but I don’t trust Him.  I don’t think He believes in me.  I want answers to the questions I have.  I doubt those answers will come any time soon.

I was raised in the United Methodist church. My parents are still active in the same church I grew up in. Throughout high school, I went to church regularly, attended Sunday school, was active in the church youth group, sang in the choir, etc. I listened intently during sermons, read the Bible, memorized Bible verses, was an acolyte and assisted with communion. But…something never felt right. I never felt that “Holy Spirit” at church. I always assumed it was me. That I wasn’t doing something right. And maybe it was me. I don’t know. I don’t believe that I have to go to a particular building on a particular day and recite specific verses and have someone spoon-feed me doctrine in order to be a good person and have a relationship with God. I don’t want someone telling me how and when and what prayers to pray. If I feel the need to talk to “The Big G”, I will. I pray in the shower, driving to work, while I’m dispatching calls, while I’m shaving my legs, sometimes while I’m washing dishes. I don’t care what I’m doing…if I feel a need to pray, I’m going to do it. That didn’t always fly too well with the people I went to church with. I don’t like or agree with what some preachers and “good Christians” believe and teach in regards to women and their relationship to men and their “roles” in life. It was because of this that I was once told that I “had too many feminist opinions” and that my “beliefs didn’t agree with the church’s teachings”, I “asked too many questions” and was told that it might be best if I didn’t return.  So I left and haven’t been back since (except to get married).

For a long time I haven’t felt a relationship with God at all. I felt like I had been forgotten by someone who I had been told my entire life loved me. I felt denied by someone who I had been told would give me what I wanted if I was a good enough person, if I prayed hard enough, and if I worked for it. Well, I did all those things. Apparently God didn’t see fit to answer my prayers. Either that or He deemed me not worthy enough of achieving my dreams.  I have felt betrayed, forgotten, and have been very angry at God and very bitter and doubtful of His very existence. (Which, I believe He’s okay with. I’m sure I’ve done things that He’s not too thrilled with either. Just because you’re mad at someone doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t love them). Well, maybe it wasn’t that God turned his back on me…but rather I turned my back on Him because I didn’t get what I thought I deserved? Perhaps. Like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. That visual makes me laugh. But I do still believe I deserve a child…why have my prayers not been answered???

One of the biggest problems I have with religion is the so called “Christians” that want to tell me that everything is “God’s will”. That my infertility is God’s will. That "maybe God didn’t intend for me to be a mother”. That “good people are rewarded and blessed with children”. Really? So…God hates me that much that He divinely sterilized me? Honestly, don’t you think someone would have told me this a little sooner so I didn’t waste the last five years of my life banging the sperm heads up against the brick wall of my cervix??? Anyway…I could go on and on about the comments I’ve received from “devout Christians” about my infertility. However, I am working on healing, and that does not seem conducive at this point. (And I am not talking about ALL Christians. Just certain people I’ve had run-ins with. Don’t get all up in arms about me stereotyping people, because I’m not.) I can forgive these people, even though their words were like daggers through my heart. They didn’t know any better. They were simply trying to make themselves feel less uncomfortable in a situation they don’t know anything about. Their ignorance of infertility is not their fault, and I’m glad they don’t have firsthand experience of it. Lord knows I wish I didn’t either. But I do. And it is from that experience that I write. You know, I wish there was a big fat handbook that came along with an infertility diagnosis that outlined how to react in those situations…if only for the value of smacking said idiots upside the head with it.

See, I’m not big on the whole “God’s will” thing. I don’t believe God is up there picking and choosing what to do with us like we are pawns on a giant three dimensional chessboard. I believe we have free will. That doesn’t mean we have the right to commit crimes, or run around all willy-nilly doing anything we want to anyone we want without repercussions. I believe that God provides ‘guidance’; that is, if we pray for direction or answers, He can if He wants, lead us in the direction of the best course of action for the outcome of the greatest good for all involved. Does that even make sense?  We as humans have this wonderful thing called “choice”. There is no right or wrong choice, necessarily. What matters is if the choice I make with the information I have at that particular time doesn’t work out or yields bad results…I have the ability to make a different choice based on the knowledge I’ve obtained. And that’s what having free will means to me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t pray for guidance and answers. I believe that if I pray for God to come into my life, and I ask for guidance…if my heart is open to hearing the answers, He can lead me in the direction that will be right for me and my situation. I don't think God "pushes" us into doing anything though. It doesn’t mean I don’t have guidelines for living my life. I believe in holding yourself to good morals and values, not intentionally harming anyone or anything (unless it’s insects or snakes…or the occasional squirrel that runs in front of my car. I SWEAR…that thing was suicidal!), in being a good person, in being compassionate, charitable and honest. I believe in tolerance of other’s beliefs, lifestyles and opinions (as long as they’re legal), in loving people for who and what they are warts and all, in giving back to the community. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in trying to be the best we can be and through loving relationships with others bringing out the best in them as well.

All of that being said, Matt and I have been talking about going back to church for some time now.  The topic first came up about a year or so ago, but we couldn’t seem to agree on which church to attend, so the conversation kind of fizzled out.  He was raised Lutheran, and I was raised Methodist.  He has his own reasons for falling away from the church, and I’ve discussed mine here.  However…I’ve felt a pull for a while now to go back to church, but knew Matt’s views on it and I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable with it or feel like I was pushing something on him that he didn’t want to do.  He actually came to me the other day and said that he wanted us to start looking for a church to go to.  Seeing as we were raised in different religions, we discussed which churches near us we would like to visit and see which one fit us best.  It’s kind of strange, because although I was raised in the Methodist church, I really don’t have any significant desire that I “have to” go to a Methodist church.  I didn’t know if I would like a Lutheran church, because I know that Lutheran practices and services are a lot closer to Catholic services than I’m used to.  (I don’t have anything against Catholicism, please don’t misunderstand.  I simply mean they are more structured, conservative, formal services).  Methodist services are usually more laid back and informal (at least the ones I’ve been to).  We wound up choosing a Lutheran church not far from our home, because Matt was more comfortable with that, and I really had no preference.  Since he has voiced a desire to return to church, I wanted to nurture that by going with what he was comfortable with.  We attended the Christmas Eve Candlelight service.

I have to admit, I really enjoyed this church, and the service was beautiful (even with all the standing up and sitting down…that truly IS reminiscent of the Catholic services I’ve been to!).  I felt a tiny bit out of place because I wasn’t familiar with the “performance” of the service (for lack of a better word)…not knowing where to sing the parts the congregation sings, the Nicene Creed is TOTALLY different than the last time I recited it at a Methodist service.  But, there was a very comforting and “homey” feel to this church.  I liked it a lot.  Matt wants us to try out a few different churches to see if there’s one we like better, but I’m really leaning toward this one.  I will probably go again on Sunday, to get a feel if I like the regular weekly services as well.

There were several things about the experience that were different from the Methodist services and religion I’m used to.  One of the most significant was the service of communion.  In the Methodist church, communion is open to anyone, whether you’ve been baptized/confirmed/are a member or that church.  However, I learned that in the Lutheran church, you must be a confirmed member of the Lutheran church to partake.  They consider it one of the sacraments, as does the Catholic Church.  Although, at this particular church, if you are not a confirmed member, you can still go forward to the altar during communion and receive a blessing, you just can’t take communion.  You just have to signify that you are not a member by crossing your arms at the altar.  I thought that was really cool, and a lot more inclusive than the traditional Catholic services I’ve been to where you can’t even walk up unless you’ve had First Communion.  I also noted that many of the members crossed themselves at various times during the service.  I was under the impression that crossing one’s self was strictly a Catholic practice, so it was a little different seeing it there.  The last two differences were less significant…the pastor was wearing clerical vestments (a priest’s collar) and in addition to an empty cross displayed in the sanctuary, there was also a crucifix next to the pulpit.  As Methodists, our ministers don’t wear vestments (some don’t even wear robes during services) and we display only empty crosses, not the crucifix.

I’m quite interested to see where this takes me.  As I said before, I have been feeling this pull to return to church for some time, and I’m really glad that Matt has had the same experience.  This might turn out to be something really good for us as a couple.  I know I have a long way to go in rebuilding my faith and that I will still falter and fall.  But, I also know that it doesn’t matter how small the first step is…what matters is that I took it, with my husband at my side.

Come join me for the journey...

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."

Welcome to my new blog. 

This is the third in my blogging journey. 

I can’t pinpoint why I felt like making a new blog, I just got a wild hair the other day and thought it would be a good thing.  I feel like my entire life is on the cusp of change, and changing blogs simply felt right.  Like a movement forward. 

As the title implies, my whole life feels like it’s been a long and winding road, leading me somewhere…I’m not exactly sure where yet.  Because I’m not there, I know I’m not.  Oh, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now…but where it all ends up…that’s yet to be seen.

I’ll be talking about a lot of different things in this blog…infertility, my crazy obsession with books, knitting, daily life, depression, anxiety, marriage, faith, and honestly whatever strikes my fancy.  I sometimes feel like I compartmentalized these things in my other blogs, and this will be an attempt to integrate all of these facets of my life into one blog…hopefully working through some of the issues and integrating them all into a healthier me. 

So grab a chair and a cup of your favorite hot beverage, put your feet up and read along as I traverse this adventure called life and walk the long and winding road to wherever it is we’re going. 

Enjoy!