It always feels weird returning to the ol' blog after an absence. I don't know why. I guess I feel there won't be anyone left reading, or anyone interested enough to stick with me through these breaks in blogging. But, truthfully, I don't blog for others...not to the extent that some do. Sure, I want people to be interested in what I read, I want them to come back, I want to "inspire" in some way my readers, and I want this blog to be useful to me and others. But my blog has always been an outlet for the crazy mixed up jumble of thoughts and emotions I've dealt with as we've trudged through infertility, miscarriage, and life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my readers and really really want you to continue to read...just please abide with me through the quiet times.
The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.
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My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her. She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.
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My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th. She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body. Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia). At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma. Her Bible was one of them. I thumbed through it at the visitation. It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin. There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout. It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well. I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it. I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did. (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have. I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young. My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's. I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day. I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over. For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own. My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me. I was floored and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't believe I was holding it again. I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)
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Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August. He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job. The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar. We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have. He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly. Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.
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My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's. I HATE IT!!! I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease. She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated. She sleeps most of the day. She rarely eats. She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk. She cannot do anything for herself. My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore. My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general). She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal. She can't respond to questions. When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish. Once in a great while she will respond to me. It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love. She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me. Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting. (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!) I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you"...to which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm". About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!). The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"! I laughed all the way home! This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home. She has no real quality of life. She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her. We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago. What is carrying on now is simply her body. Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between... What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother. The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother. She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her. My heart breaks every day for her. Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny. As devastating as it will be for me to lose her (truly...it will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this. There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.
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So...that's where I'm at right now. There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now. And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!
I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
February 9, 2013
October 18, 2012
The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)
Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here. Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good! (I'm not saying this too loud...)
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
WE ARE ADOPTING!!!
No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.
We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.
I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third. I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information. (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do? I have serious telephone anxiety. I HATE talking on the phone. You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living. My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way. We don't even call each other. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years. However, we text, email and tweet all day long! But the phone? Nah.)
One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching). We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January. That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.
To say we're excited is an extreme understatement. It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days. Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year. I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy! (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)
I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through. Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.
We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.
I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.
Hope everyone is having a great week!
Love,
Rebecca
June 29, 2012
Treasure Chest Thursday - Tree of Life
My sweet friend Suzy has created a new blog hop titled "Treasure Chest Thursday". Go check check out the details here and then come back and enjoy my first ever Etsy Treasury! If you want to join in, add yourself to the link at the bottom of Suzy's current post.
I decided to create my first treasury on the Tree of Life. There are many interpretations of the symbolism of the Tree of Life, but one of my favorites describes it as a symbol of God's love for His creation (us). The roots of a tree grow downward into the earth, just as God sends His love for us down to earth in His son Jesus Christ (John 3:16). That Love then nourishes us to grow strong in His Word (Luke 8: 1-15), depicted by the trunk of the tree. We then become the branches, growing higher and reaching toward God in praise (Psalm 63:4). Some depictions of the Tree of Life show the branches and roots growing together, in a circular pattern of love, growth, and praise. I love the thought of that, don't you?
The first six of these are my favorites, but I truly love them all! Enjoy!
'Tree of Life' by WednesdayNightKnits
 Custom Order Listing Ra... $30.00 |  Tree Of Life Pendant, W... $14.45 |  Colorful Tree of Life S... $5.00 |
 The Wire Tiny Tree of L... $62.00 |  Silver Locket Necklace ... $24.00 |  Tree of Life Memory Box... $65.00 |
 Brass Tree Locket, Tree... $23.00 |  Birthstone necklace, St... $48.00 |  Tree of Life Fingerless... $1.99 |
 The Petite Jade Tear Dr... $39.00 |  Tree of life ring. Wire... $14.49 |  Gold Tree of Life Frien... $15.99 |
 Custom Hand Stamped Fam... $42.00 |  Tree of Life Quilt - Cu... $250.00 |  Tree of Life Felted Bag... $2.99 |
 Autumn Tree of Life bag $30.00 |
Treasury tool supported by the dog house
Don't forget to head over to Suzy's and check out her treasuries too!June 26, 2012
Try It Out Tuesday - Weight Loss Edition
Don't forget to check out our other TioT bloggers too!
Kelly @ My Purple Brick Road
Mary @ Oh My Little Soul
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Well, I am kind of taking the lazy way out for TioT this week. I worked all weekend, and yesterday was not feeling well at all, and I just didn't feel up to trying a new recipe/craft/project from Pinterest.
However, I am going to put a little spin on it this week so I don't feel like a COMPLETE failure and post something that has helped me stay on track the last week with my diet. That way, my readers can still Try It Out...if they want.
The first tool that has helped me stay on track and lose 13 pounds so far is SparkPeople.com . Their informative website, mobile food/activity/weight tracker app, and support forums have been invaluable to me! Check 'em out!
The second is a little concoction I came up with (and yes, I know it's by no stretch of the imagination original) for breakfast. Especially when I work, I have a hard time finding good breakfasts (good as in tasty and good as in good for me) that will actually fill me up and keep me going. As I was standing in front of the fridge the other day, I thought hmmmm. Really, I did. Hmmmm. What am I going to take for breakfast? (I work 6am to 6pm when I'm on dayshift, so getting up any earlier than I already do just to eat breakfast is not an option...I laugh at the thought!) It was nearing payday, so the cupboards were getting a little lean, if you know what I mean! I had eggs. Cheese. Frozen sausage patties. And frozen Ore-Ida Potatoes OBrien. Sounds like a meal to me! Throw 'em all in a bowl you say? Why yes!
Easy-Peasy Breakfast Bowl
1 frozen sausage patty (I use the Wal-Mart brand)
3/4 cup frozen cubed hash brown potatoes
1 egg
1 slice American cheese
I put the sausage in the bottom, then hash browns. I kept the egg and cheese separate until I cooked it...otherwise the sausage and potatoes won't be done and the egg will be rubber! I microwaved the sausage and potatoes for about 1 min 30 sec, then tore up the cheese in small pieces and cracked the egg over the whole shebang. Cook for however long it takes to get the egg done and the cheese nice and melty. You can use whatever you prefer or whatever you have on hand to customize your bowl. And yes, I know this is not an original idea AT. ALL. But, it works. =)
There you have it. My miracle breakfast. And honestly, it's not all that many calories when you consider it in the grand scheme of the entire day's allowance of calories. I think this one was around 400 calories? And tons of filling protein. I could have made it a little lower in fat if I used turkey sausage, but I had pork sausage patties in the freezer and will continue to use them until they're gone.
And, before I forget...one of my favorite bloggers has an awesome guest post at Ann Voskamp's blog today. Head over to her place to read a beautiful post about feeling inadequate from Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus!
And two questions of the day:
What's your go-to breakfast when you're on the go or trying to cut calories?
How often do you feel inadequate, not enough, less than? How do you get through those times?
October 24, 2011
Update and prayer request
Hello readers. I am sorry for being MIA for so long again. Time and life get away from me and I never seem to be able to find the time to blog anymore. I do read your blogs, mostly from my iPhone, and commenting is a pain from that. Please know I'm still following you and your journeys, and sending you support when you need it.
But, today I'm here to ask for the support.
I had a consultation today with a very prominent fertility specialist here in St. Louis today. The consultation itself was fine, he is wonderful, and I feel it's a good fit for me there. However there were several things that I was told that concern me.
First of all, during the exam he found "at least one" polyp in my uterus. He can't tell if there are more because my lining was almost double the thickness it should be. The maximum they like it to be is between 12-14mm. Mine is almost 20mm. So, I have to have a D&C to remove the lining and polyp(s). It could be as soon as next Wednesday. They only do the surgery on Wednesdays. I should hear something in the next couple of days.
Second of all, he wants me to have weight loss surgery. He said given my age, history, previous treatments and other personal factors, he believes IVF is our only option for children. And that at my weight I'm not a candidate. He usually gives weight loss drugs first, but I can't take them due to a previous adverse reaction. So he recommends weight loss surgery. Soon.
He is also running a LOT of bloodwork. PCOS, thyroid, ovarian reserve, recurrent pregnancy loss, and a bunch more.
Yes, I said recurrent pregnancy loss.
Given the previous fertility treatments we did, and my family history of infertility and pregnancy loss, he believes I might have actually had at least one very early miscarriage and not known it. So he wants me tested for the RPL panel.
I'm pretty numb right now.
I'm scared. Of the surgeries, and of everything else.
All I can do is leave it in God's hands and pray...and ask you to do the same for me.
I'll update when I can.
Love,
Me
But, today I'm here to ask for the support.
I had a consultation today with a very prominent fertility specialist here in St. Louis today. The consultation itself was fine, he is wonderful, and I feel it's a good fit for me there. However there were several things that I was told that concern me.
First of all, during the exam he found "at least one" polyp in my uterus. He can't tell if there are more because my lining was almost double the thickness it should be. The maximum they like it to be is between 12-14mm. Mine is almost 20mm. So, I have to have a D&C to remove the lining and polyp(s). It could be as soon as next Wednesday. They only do the surgery on Wednesdays. I should hear something in the next couple of days.
Second of all, he wants me to have weight loss surgery. He said given my age, history, previous treatments and other personal factors, he believes IVF is our only option for children. And that at my weight I'm not a candidate. He usually gives weight loss drugs first, but I can't take them due to a previous adverse reaction. So he recommends weight loss surgery. Soon.
He is also running a LOT of bloodwork. PCOS, thyroid, ovarian reserve, recurrent pregnancy loss, and a bunch more.
Yes, I said recurrent pregnancy loss.
Given the previous fertility treatments we did, and my family history of infertility and pregnancy loss, he believes I might have actually had at least one very early miscarriage and not known it. So he wants me tested for the RPL panel.
I'm pretty numb right now.
I'm scared. Of the surgeries, and of everything else.
All I can do is leave it in God's hands and pray...and ask you to do the same for me.
I'll update when I can.
Love,
Me
July 31, 2011
Reconciling Infertility and Faith, Part II: My Conclusions
I've been giving this topic a lot of thought since my last post.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile my feelings about my infertility with my still growing faith in God and my daily walk with Christ. There are so many negative feelings surrounding my infertility fight thus far, and I pray daily for God's guidance in this and many other arenas. I ask Him daily to lead me in the direction in which He wants me to proceed. I try to temper my own desires and wants, to surrender my dreams and follow the nudges, pokes, and sometimes shoves from my Heavenly Father. I still feel confident that my desire to be a mother is a desire given from God. There's no other explanation for it. I don't believe that He would have given me this desire if He didn't have a plan to fulfill it. I just wish, in the small sinful mistrusting secret places in my heart, I wish I knew when that plan was going to come to fruition. And what that plan is. Because also in that small secret place, I have the fear that this will be withheld from me forever. And I also fear that the ache will be there forever.
I pray for the ability to “delight in the Lord” (Ps 37:4), for the ability to relinquish my dream and “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Ps 37:7).
Maybe I'm not supposed to understand. That's the hard part for my analytical part of my brain and heart to comprehend. It's hard for me to understand the logistics of NOT understanding. All my life I've endeavored to comprehend, to know WHY. To find out the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Especially when. And why. Such tiny words. Such a huge stumbling block.
I know that when I allow Him to, He can heal the ache in my heart. What I don't understand is why He won't allow my aching heart to be healed by filling my womb. (HUGE AHA MOMENT): maybe that's the lesson? That the two are not interdependent? That this is not a cause and effect situation? Well, for seven years of battling infertility, my womb has been barren. Empty. Unfilled. Unfulfilled. As has my heart. So to me, it stands to reason (in my humanly skewed perception) that the heartache will remain until I am able to conceive or we are able to adopt. Until I am a mother. Is it possible that my happiness and lightness of heart and dare I say JOY isn't and perhaps shouldn't be contingent upon my reproductive status? Perhaps God is waiting for me to realize that true happiness and joy come only from Him and that once I can experience that...then, and maybe only then, can the rest fall into place for child(ren) He has planned for us to be born?
Wow. Talk about HUGE. *(and honestly...I truly had that revelation only as I was typing this...it literally just smacked me in the head).
I know God is enough. I know this life I have is enough. (Why do I have to physically restrain myself from tacking “for now” on the end of those sentences???)
Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning.
Patience.
Courage.
Acceptance.
To live for today, not worrying over yesterday, not trying to over-plan for tomorrow. Trying not to dwell on the tomorrows that I want...but embracing with open arms the tomorrows that God has PLANNED for me.
Maybe there is no reconciliation.
And I think I'm okay with that.
July 19, 2011
Reconciling Infertility and Faith, Part 1
I wanted to share with you a terrific post I read recently, taken from the website "Held". It's a prayer ministry blog with a focus on infertility. It's amazing, to say the least. I've not gotten a chance to read through all of the archives yet as I just stumbled across it a few weeks ago, but I just had to share this post. It touched me deeply and spoke to and about many of my fears and struggles regarding infertilty and my faith. The post can be viewed on the Held website here: Held More and Less .
Author Website: Portrait Rachel"More and LessI had to pull the car off the road for fear of crashing into a tree or running off the winding road. The tears were falling hard and fast, leaving hot red tracks down my face. I let the sobs come as I put my car in park, allowing the grief to just be for a moment.
Dear Lord, why won’t you take away this desire if you will not fulfill it? It isn’t a bad desire. It isn’t selfish. After all, you fulfill this for most people. Why won’t you let me be a mom?
After a few minutes, I got out of my car and opened the back door so I could reach the box of tissues. Blotting my wet face I prayed,
Please change my desire, Lord. I know you can do that. You can change the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). I can’t take this anymore. I’m so alone. None of my friends or family understand, and I don’t hear your voice. Where are you?
I drove the rest of the way home and allowed my long hair to cover my face when I walked in the front door to hide my splotchy red cheeks – I didn’t want to talk about my breakdown to my dear husband at that moment – but I kept begging God for understanding.
I’m terrified when I think of never having children. I can’t allow myself to think of the future in case the picture of childlessness becomes too real. When I do let my mind wander near those thoughts, I start to panic. Surely this isn’t what you are really calling me to, Lord.
Maybe the truth wasn’t that I didn’t hear God’s voice, but that I didn’t particularly like what He was telling me. It seemed too hard a truth to accept.
My dear child, what I am doing in someone else’s life has nothing to do with what I am doing in yours. Remember, just because they can have children easily does not mean their lives are perfect. Everyone has difficulty. Life is not about you. It never has been.
Ouch. I knew God was right, of course. It can be so easy to allow our hurts and despair to overtake us, making us blind to everything else. My pain and grief were real, but I was focusing on them too much and not enough on God. God needed to be greater in my life, and I needed to be less (John 3:30). I needed to shift my focus, broaden my perspective.
Slowly I began to see how God could bring beauty from the darkness I had been in. He reminded me that I am not forgotten. He sees me. He loves me. I learned how to start surrendering my desire for children. Instead of asking God why He seemed to give other women the things I wanted, I began asking what I had that they needed. How could God use me in the lives of other women?
Above all, I learned that God is enough. Enough for me to feel joy again. Enough for me to find contentment in Him. And ultimately, He is more than enough to guide me through my uncertain future.
He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them.
~ 2 Corinthians 5:15 (NLT)"
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Come back soon for my thoughts and reactions to this post.
November 23, 2010
Afraid
Friends, I need some support and prayer.
I am afraid.
We received news today from Matt's doctor that his spleen needs to come out. The way she put it "sooner than later". As in the first week or so of January. No later than that.
We have known for about a 18 months, maybe two years that he has this blood disorder, thrombocytopenia. Basically he has very low platelet counts, and his spleen is enlarged because it is a hungry little bugger hoarding all the cells it's supposed to filter. His platelet and white cell counts have steadily declined, but they are reaching the point that is dangerous to him. In an adult, a normal count is about 150,000 to 450,000 platelets per microliter of blood. Matt's is 28,000. A year ago at this time it was 31,000. Any further decline (a count of 20,000 or less) could lead to spontaneous internal bleeding, and possibly even death due to the blood loss and his blood's inability to clot properly. Removing his spleen is the only way to cure this.
I am beyond scared. I am beyond terrified. I don't have big enough words for the emotions I'm feeling right now. I am trying to be strong for him because I can tell in his voice that he is beyond terrified of having the surgery, and of the implications of not having it. He is my big strong protector and to hear him with any waver of doubt and fear in his voice just slays me.
Please pray for him, for me, for us.
I've only had him for six years...
That's not nearly long enough.
I am afraid.
We received news today from Matt's doctor that his spleen needs to come out. The way she put it "sooner than later". As in the first week or so of January. No later than that.
We have known for about a 18 months, maybe two years that he has this blood disorder, thrombocytopenia. Basically he has very low platelet counts, and his spleen is enlarged because it is a hungry little bugger hoarding all the cells it's supposed to filter. His platelet and white cell counts have steadily declined, but they are reaching the point that is dangerous to him. In an adult, a normal count is about 150,000 to 450,000 platelets per microliter of blood. Matt's is 28,000. A year ago at this time it was 31,000. Any further decline (a count of 20,000 or less) could lead to spontaneous internal bleeding, and possibly even death due to the blood loss and his blood's inability to clot properly. Removing his spleen is the only way to cure this.
I am beyond scared. I am beyond terrified. I don't have big enough words for the emotions I'm feeling right now. I am trying to be strong for him because I can tell in his voice that he is beyond terrified of having the surgery, and of the implications of not having it. He is my big strong protector and to hear him with any waver of doubt and fear in his voice just slays me.
Please pray for him, for me, for us.
I've only had him for six years...
That's not nearly long enough.
November 15, 2010
NaBloPoMo Day 15: Still chugging along...
First off, I'd like to thank everyone who has sent good thoughts and prayers for Matt's job interviews today. The first one didn't go as well as he had hoped; the pay was a LOT less than they originally told him, and he won't even know anything until the middle of FEBRUARY if he has been hired. Oy vey.
The second one went very well. They had him do a battery of tests and two oral interviews today. He aced them all. We are hoping and praying that this is the job he is offered. It is really good pay, great benefits (not that he needs the insurance, he's covered under mine for free), lots of vacation and paid holidays. It seems like a wonderful place to work. And the best thing about it is that we know several people who work there...one of them being his best friend's sister and the other being a close friend of mine. So, we're hoping with those "ins" and his test and interview scores he gets hired. He should know something one way or the other by the middle to end of next week.
Now we pray. Pray that he is offered the job. Pray that God's will be done through this process and His will for our family be fulfilled. It's been a struggle to believe that lately, to trust in the fact that if it is God's will it will be done. But we're trying. Baby steps, right?
I'm kind of at a loss on things to write about...I have some ideas floating around in my head but they will have to wait until I'm off later in the week so I can devote the time I'd like to in order to do them justice.
So tonight, I'll just leave you with a picture of my Granny's birthday-shawl-in-progress:
November 13, 2010
Keeping it all in perspective
This morning I went and helped distribute food at a local food pantry.
I had no idea going in what I would be doing, I had never done anything like this before. I've been wanting to for a while, after I read in our local weekly paper that they do distributions every weekend. I had called them a while back, but the lady never got back to me, but this week I was able to reach someone and made arrangements to go volunteer this morning.
We served 50 families today. With an average of 3 members per family (some had more, some less, but averaged out to 3 per family), that's 150 people served out of this itty bitty food pantry. Just today. In three hours. In a town with a population of approximately 12,000 people.
It was a very rewarding, yet humbling experience to say the least.
There were a few people there that you could tell were the "abusers" of the system, but the majority of the people that received food today were so gracious. You could tell they didn't like having to come to the pantry, they were proud people, but the gratitude that exuded from them was just overwhelming. You hear of the hungry and the needy in the news and in the paper, but most of us (I'm guilty of it as well) don't give them a second thought on a daily basis. We all drop a can or two into the food donation box at the store or church or school without thinking what kind of impact it really makes. Until you see them. Until you look into the downcast eyes filled with an odd mixture of pride and pain and defeat and hope. Until the young widow with three teenage boys who lost her job takes your hand and tells you "God bless you"...
You just don't know.
I spent most of the day after I left in a pensive state. The only thought that kept running through my head was "There but for the grace of God..."
It truly brought into perspective many things in my life. Sure, Matt and I struggle some. We live paycheck to paycheck. We don't have money to take vacations or buy new cars or pay for fertility treatments or adoption. We don't wear fancy clothes or eat filet mignon every night. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix rather than going out to the theater. We hang out in the bookstore for entertainment instead of partying it up in a nightclub.
But...
We have a home.
We have food.
I have a job (and hopefully he will too soon!)
We have running water.
We have air conditioning, electricity, and heat.
We have vehicles that run and get us where we need to go.
We don't wonder where our next meal is going to come from or if we will freeze to death in our sleep.
We have each other.
And for these things I thank God.
And for these reasons I will continue to serve God and give thanks for my blessings by taking 3 hours out of my Saturday mornings to give to those less fortunate.
I had no idea going in what I would be doing, I had never done anything like this before. I've been wanting to for a while, after I read in our local weekly paper that they do distributions every weekend. I had called them a while back, but the lady never got back to me, but this week I was able to reach someone and made arrangements to go volunteer this morning.
We served 50 families today. With an average of 3 members per family (some had more, some less, but averaged out to 3 per family), that's 150 people served out of this itty bitty food pantry. Just today. In three hours. In a town with a population of approximately 12,000 people.
It was a very rewarding, yet humbling experience to say the least.
There were a few people there that you could tell were the "abusers" of the system, but the majority of the people that received food today were so gracious. You could tell they didn't like having to come to the pantry, they were proud people, but the gratitude that exuded from them was just overwhelming. You hear of the hungry and the needy in the news and in the paper, but most of us (I'm guilty of it as well) don't give them a second thought on a daily basis. We all drop a can or two into the food donation box at the store or church or school without thinking what kind of impact it really makes. Until you see them. Until you look into the downcast eyes filled with an odd mixture of pride and pain and defeat and hope. Until the young widow with three teenage boys who lost her job takes your hand and tells you "God bless you"...
You just don't know.
I spent most of the day after I left in a pensive state. The only thought that kept running through my head was "There but for the grace of God..."
It truly brought into perspective many things in my life. Sure, Matt and I struggle some. We live paycheck to paycheck. We don't have money to take vacations or buy new cars or pay for fertility treatments or adoption. We don't wear fancy clothes or eat filet mignon every night. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix rather than going out to the theater. We hang out in the bookstore for entertainment instead of partying it up in a nightclub.
But...
We have a home.
We have food.
I have a job (and hopefully he will too soon!)
We have running water.
We have air conditioning, electricity, and heat.
We have vehicles that run and get us where we need to go.
We don't wonder where our next meal is going to come from or if we will freeze to death in our sleep.
We have each other.
And for these things I thank God.
And for these reasons I will continue to serve God and give thanks for my blessings by taking 3 hours out of my Saturday mornings to give to those less fortunate.
November 12, 2010
NaBloPoMo Day 12: A Favorite Poem
Today's "random blog prompt" was to post a favorite poem. I've never been huge into poetry, so this is a hard one for me.
Recently in my Bible reading, I read through the book of Psalms. I have to say that is some of the most beautiful poetry I have ever read. Psalms is a very emotional book of the Bible, if you've never read it. There are poems of anguish, despair, anger, desperation, hope, trust, faith, and love. It's a very powerful experience, to say the least.
Today, instead of sharing any traditional poems, I would like to share two of my favorite Psalms.
Recently in my Bible reading, I read through the book of Psalms. I have to say that is some of the most beautiful poetry I have ever read. Psalms is a very emotional book of the Bible, if you've never read it. There are poems of anguish, despair, anger, desperation, hope, trust, faith, and love. It's a very powerful experience, to say the least.
Today, instead of sharing any traditional poems, I would like to share two of my favorite Psalms.
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
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