Want some cheese with that "whine"?

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...it just feels like that some days!

I'm fighting my way back from a hellacious bout of bronchitis and pneumonia...it's been hanging on for almost three weeks now.  To say it's been "hard" or "exhausting" is an understatement.  I was out of work for almost two weeks (so long I ran out of sick time...no sick time = no pay!  I was already over $400 short on my paycheck as it was from missing work so there was no way we could survive if I missed more).  I'm slowly...and I do mean slowly...recovering. I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally, from all of this.  I'm used to getting knocked down by colds and flu, but I can usually overcome them pretty quick.  This has knocked me on my ass, backed up, ran over me, backed up again and parked it's nasty self directly in my lungs.  And on top of the sinus infection/bronchitis/pneumonia, my doctor diagnosed me with asthma as well.  She actually believes that is the underlying cause of why this hit me so hard.  She thinks I've probably had it for a while, a few years at least, but since I haven't ever really complained of any major symptoms (other than a lot of wheezing during exertion or when I'm sick), we never diagnosed it.  She's pretty sure that since my lungs are already compromised from the asthma, it was a perfect storm for this crap to attack me so hard.  I've done two rounds of antibiotics, two rounds of steroids (AKA crazyinabottle) more DayQuil and NyQuil than any person's liver and kidneys should have to metabolize in a lifetime, and was sent home with my own handy dandy little nebulizer for breathing treatments 4x a day.  It's been 19 days and I'm STILL worn out and have to be careful not to overdo it otherwise I end up wheezing and huffing and puffing like a crazy person.  I have I think 4 or 5 days left on the breathing treatments, then I'll meet with my doctor to set up a long-term plan for the asthma diagnosis. 

I've really tried hard not to complain while I've been sick, but it's been so hard.  I just want to feel better.  I want to BREATHE!  I want to be able to walk from the couch to the bathroom without having to take a hit off the inhaler because the exertion is causing my lungs to spasm.  I am so bone tired, and so very tired of BEING tired.  I live with chronic pain due to my back (which ironically hasn't hurt a lick since I've been on steroids!), but this is a totally different kind of incapacitated. I feel like people think I'm "milking" this illness...that I "should" be better by now.  So I feel guilty when I keep saying I'm still worn out, having trouble breathing, and generally still sick.  It has done NOTHING to help the anxiety and depression I deal with on a daily basis anyway.  I've had a few really bad days, sitting on the couch in tears because I'm so depressed that I just want to FEEL BETTER!!!  Don't get me wrong, there has been minor improvement.  I can finally breathe through my nose again.  I can wear my CPAP so I can sleep again. (I went about 4 or 5 days in the beginning when I didn't sleep at all because I had so much trouble breathing.  Those were fun days I tell ya.)  But I'm still just so damn worn out.  And I'm sick of being sick.  And my husband got sick too...of course.  So, you know who got to take care of him while I was still sick, which didn't make me feel any better at all!  

Hopefully within the next week or so this will all be a thing of the past and I can move on with getting the asthma under control and back on track to my FABULOUS BY FORTY plan and training for the Chance to Hope 5K...which sadly has gone nowhere lately.  :(  

That's about all for now...just a quick catch up and hello.  I'm hoping to get back in the swing of this blogging thing...I've missed it, but still sometimes feel it's kind of pointless because I really have nothing of interest to say.  

Hope whoever's reading is doing well!

Overwhelmed

I was hoping to have a more positive post for today, being it is only the 5th day of NaBloPoMo, but I'm just not in that space today. If you're looking for an upbeat, positive, cheery post...well, I'm sorry. Today will just not be that day.

Some of you already know from Twitter and Facebook that I had a pretty tough day yesterday, emotionally. I've been wavering on whether or not to post these feelings, as I've been trying to keep this a place of positivity, hope, and encouragement. To be honest, I'm not feeling any of those things right now. And, since this blog is intended to be an amalgam of all facets of my life, these feelings have their place here too.

There is not one word to define what I'm feeling. If I had to put a label on it, it would be despair. Everything has come crashing down on me in a wave, and I am struggling to get my head above water.

It's all tying into infertility in some way or another. I don't have these feelings often...or rather I don't allow myself to indulge these feelings often. Most of the time I'm able to shove them back down into the ugly little black hole in my heart where they came from...but right now they're overflowing and washing over me like a flood. I need to get them out before they completely overwhelm me.

The impact of my husband being out of work since last Christmas is hitting us, and although I don't fault him in any way, shape or form, I am frustrated. He has been putting in applications, sending out resumes, and actively looking for employment for almost a year now. He has had several interviews that didn't work out. He does have two interviews on the 15th (Thank God!), so keep us in your prayers that something comes of one of them. I feel the pressure of being the sole income, which has farther reaching ramifications than just not having much money in the bank. I find myself resentful that we can't afford the infertility treatments that I know we need. I "met" that fabulous doctor in the webchat and have yet to make an appointment because I don't want to get my hopes up and get a ball rolling on something I know we don't have the money to do (treatments). I am jealous that other people can afford to do treatments, even if it's "just" Clomid, injectibles, and IUI's. I'm uber-jealous that others can afford or have insurance coverage to do IVF. I'm jealous that other people can get loans and credit cards to pay for their treatments. With our credit (especially with the recent forclosure of our home), there is no way in Hell we could (or SHOULD, in all reality), get a loan or credit card.

I'm frustrated with my weight and my recent back injury. I am miserable, and have all the desire in the world to begin an exercise program to get back on track to losing weight (which I know will help with the PCOS and infertility...much as I hate to admit that my weight is causing problems, I know it is). I went to the gym with Matt yesterday and was only able to do 7 minutes on the treadmill at 1.7 mph before my back was killing me. I pushed myself to do 10 minutes and was in tears I hurt so bad at the end. I know I can't expect miracles, but jeez. What a pathetic loser.

I'm so depressed that I will be 37 in 5 months and am still no closer to being a mother than I was six years ago. October marked 6 years that we have been TTC. Granted the majority of that time has been "on our own" without medical treatment, we've still been TTC. It sucks. Time and time again I have been passed by, watched everyone around me get pregnant once, twice and sometimes even three times. Some of these women are very dear friends, and while I am thrilled for them, I can't help but feel jealous, hopeless, and broken because it isn't me. I know there is no "race", there is not a finite number of babies in the world, and that these women are deserving of the miracles they have been given...I can't help but foster the negative thoughts of "Why not me?". What have I done in life to deserve the heartbreak of this? Am I not deserving enough to have just one child? Why can other women have two, three, four or more, and I can't even have one? Am I not good enough? Is this God's way of keeping me from completely screwing up my future child because I will be a horrible mother? I know those thoughts are not rational, but they are real.

A friend of mine has been struggling in her life as of late, and recently wrote that in a certain turn of events of her life she felt like "in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and had a big ole laugh". My heart broke to hear her say that, but in reading her words, I heard my own voice. That's how I feel too. I have prayed, I have begged, I have dedicated my life to God and serving him through helping people. I am a devoted wife, a loyal friend, I honor my parents and I serve my community. For six long devastating years I have prayed for a child. And sometimes I feel like God has, well...for lack of better words, taken a giant steamer on my dreams. I know this is not true, in the part of me that trusts that He has a plan. But that small, sinful, untrusting part of me...well, it lurks like a festering splinter.

I want to believe God has a plan. No, I do believe God has a plan. I am just incredibly frustrated that I can't know what it is right now.

My heart hurts. My soul aches. My womb aches with the fullness of one who was never and may never be there. My arms cradle emptiness and my eyes cry hot tears of anguish over the loss of the dreams of one who never was. One who might never be.

I trust that God can work His healing in my heart, He has done it before. I will still be devoted to Him and follow His will when He chooses to light the next step.

As I am working my way out of this, I ask you all, if you are willing, to pray for me. Pray that God will work His healing in my broken heart and restore peace and hope. Pray that I can learn to put full trust in Him and His plan, whatever that may be. I know it might not look the way I envision my life, but I know that whatever it is will be exactly what He wants for my life.

Thanks for listening and being here for me.

Well, at least I accomplished one thing this weekend...

The Open Rib socks are complete!

• Pattern: Open Rib from Sensational Knitted Socks by Charlene Schurch.
• Yarn: Premiere Yarns Serenity Sock Yarn in color Chili (although to me they look more like Christmas candies!)
• Needles: Size US 2 dpn's
• Made for: Me!
• Pattern notes: Overall I'm really happy with this pattern. This was the first time in making socks that I carried the pattern all the way down the instep to the toes, and even though it was a little tedious, I like the look (we'll see if I like the feel when I wear them with shoes! LOL). I also opted for a three-needle bind off for the toes because I loathe kitchener stitch/toe grafting. This is also the reason my next project is socks from the toe up with a provisional cast-on/short row toe. =)

In other news...well, there's not a lot to report.

I'm a little, OK a LOT melancholy and weepy tonight. I don't know why. I have felt on the verge of tears all night long and can't really put a finger on the reason, aside from some frustration with the way some things are going. Namely:

• Being indefinitely in a holding pattern regarding TTC.
• My husband being out of work since last Christmas, with only one job offer that didn't pan out because of his disability (severe vision impairment).
• My prayer ministry forum going absolutely nowhere. I know it's new, and I know that it hasn't really had a chance to take off, but I felt such a calling to do this, and I'm beginning to question whether it was really what God wanted me to do. I mean, you put your heart and soul and time into creating something and it goes nowhere...it's just kind of depressing.
• Being changed crews at work (which means I am going back on nights starting Monday, will be on nights for two weeks, then back to days for a month unless I get changed again. You wouldn't think so, but such changes take a toll on a person).

I know these things are out of my control, so I know I shouldn't get worked up about them, but sometimes you just can't help it. If you are the praying kind, say a few extras for me, OK?

Lame excuse for a post...

I'm still here.  It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, getting back into the swing of being on night shift, some issues I'm dealing with, and coming down with an early season cold and such.  But I'm here.  I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs, I've been reading and thinking about all of you, and keeping you all in my prayers.

I'm kind of at a loss for anything witty, insightful or inspiring to write about.  I'm just tapped out right now.

I did finally finish the gifts I was working on for my friend in PA.  Since I know she's already received them, I will post pics of them now.

[caption id="attachment_804" align="alignnone" width="225" caption="Log Cabin Baby Blanket"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Kimono style baby sweater"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_806" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Sweet baby gifts"][/caption]

I was really happy with the way they both turned out.  These patterns were "firsts" for me, I hadn't done them before, so it was nice to kind of stretch my legs a bit and venture out of the ordinary. 

I'm now knitting on another pair of socks for myself.  I love knitting socks, and this pair is turning out really nice so far.

[caption id="attachment_807" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Open Rib Socks"][/caption]

 

(My mom made the little blue bag so I can carry my sock knitting project with me.  And it comes in quite handy!) 

If you're curious about the patterns or more info about these knitting projects, you can click on my Ravelry button on the right sidebar and it will take you to my Ravelry page where you can see what I've been working on.  :)

I guess I'll sign off for now.  Sorry this was such a lame post, I just don't feel like saying much right now.  :(