March 22, 2017


May 12, 2015.

The day my world was forever changed. The day we found out my Dad had liver cancer. 

Three months and fourteen days later, August 26 2015, at 3:50 p.m., my precious Daddy died. 

I haven't been able to find a way to get myself to write about it until now, and even now it's hard to get the words from my heart and brain into the keyboard onto the screen. 

I talk about his death in person, and on Facebook. But to actually sit down and write about his diagnosis, illness, and death? For some reason it's been nearly impossible for me. 

I recently started seeing a counselor to help me deal with my ongoing grief and some other issues and she suggested it might be time to start writing about Dad. 

So, here I am. 

Starting small. 

My Daddy died. 

God how I miss him. 

March 4, 1947 - August 26, 2015

November 8, 2013

The Crappy Day...

Today’s been a shitty day…literally.

I woke up early…three hours before the alarm to be exact.  At first I was a little peeved because it’s my weekend off, after getting up at 4:15 am all week, I wanted to sleep in.  Hubby had a doctor’s appointment (more on that later) and I was going to take him so I could also talk to the doctor about a couple of things as well.  We see the same doctor, so it makes it easy!  Well, 6 am came and my eyes popped open and there I was.  All awake and not a lick of “sleeping-in” was to be seen.  So I played around on my phone for a little bit, checking Facebook, Twitter, sending a few words in Words with Friends, played a bit of Candy Crush, you know the drill, until my bladder couldn’t hold out any longer and I HAD to get up out of my nice warm bed.  Hubby was sleeping nicely, so I decided to throw a load of laundry in and take advantage of a little quiet time before he got up.  So there I was, in the middle of my breathing treatment, when I hear hubby bounding down the hallway yelling “turn the washer off, turn the washer off, TURN THE WASHER OFF!!!”

Part of me wanted to look at him and say “I’m sorry, do I need to turn the washer OFF?”…however the look on his face made me think twice.

Apparently, the issues we’ve been having with our septic system were not resolved by the landlord having the tank pumped like he thought.  Apparently, the whole system was clogged to high Heaven and back, because the water from the washer draining caused the toilet AND bathtub in to back up.  And overflow.  Onto the bathroom floor.  And my pretty bathroom rug.  And my gorgeous shower curtain I love.  Not just any old water.  Sewage water.  Sew. Age.  Use your imagination…and it was probably worse
So…my day was spent between shopvac-ing the poop water off the bathroom floor, cleaning the crap out of everything (literally), and waiting for the landlord to come to fix the plumbing.  He finally got here and augured every drain in the apartment (including going onto the roof and snaking out the vent stack?).  The toilet works like a charm and the drains run faster than Forrest Gump going for a touchdown.  However.  Now my washer is FUBARED.  Apparently when I had to stop it in the middle of the spin cycle, it got a little pissed at me and now refuses to work.  We think the drive belt came off or something like that.  It makes all the appropriate noises (plus a really loud grinding one) but the tub goes nowhere.  And now I have a washer full of wet clothes and six more loads waiting because of course with this being my weekend off, it was laundry day.  Tomorrow morning it will be loaded up and transported to Mommy and Daddy’s house (thank God they only live 5 miles away!) so I can do all my laundry there.

Oh yeah, the doctor’s appointments.  Poor hubby came down with the gunk I had, and he was not improving even after two rounds of antibiotics and other over the counter remedies.  He started having some trouble breathing yesterday, being really short of breath and wheezy, so he called to get in to get looked at today. Our doctor took one listen to him and said “yep, lungs are full!”  He got a lovely little steroid shot and another round of a stronger antibiotic plus some good cough medicine to help him clear his lungs up. Crazy thing is our doctor is sick with it too!  She’s on her second round of antibiotics and still sounds and feels terrible!  Seriously, whatever precautions you need to take to avoid getting this respiratory shit this year, DO IT!  It’s bad bad juju!

While we were there I asked her about my recent asthma diagnosis and what we should plan on doing for it since I’m pretty much over the pneumonia/bronchitis/avian swine zombie flu.  It wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but she’s the doctor.  She wants to just play it by ear and see how things go with just a rescue inhaler to keep on hand if I have symptoms of a flare up (wheezing, shortness of breath, excessive coughing).  I have the nebulizer and enough medication for six breathing treatments if I need them, but she wants to see how “serious” my asthma is without having to be on a daily medication.  She said if I find myself needing a breathing treatment more than twice a week or using the rescue inhaler more than twice a day to call her and we will then talk about what kind of daily maintenance drug (such as Advair or other inhaled anti-inflammatory/corticosteroid) we will use.  I guess that’s good…one less medication to have to be on, but it also kind of worries me.  I just wanted to know that she is taking it seriously.  I mean, she’s my doctor, she takes my conditions seriously, but well, I don’t know what I mean.  LOL

Well, I have a few more things I want to write about, but I think I’ll sign off for tonight and leave those for another post over the weekend.  We're supposed to go down to hubby's friend's house tomorrow evening for a "make up" bonfire (they had one two weeks ago that I had to miss because I was so sick), and then Sunday we'll be going to church, I'll be donating blood at a local blood drive, and prepping for the week ahead!  What's on deck for your weekend?  Anything fun?

Now, though, it's time for some knitting and Doctor Who!!!

November 5, 2013

Want some cheese with that "whine"?

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the just feels like that some days!

I'm fighting my way back from a hellacious bout of bronchitis and's been hanging on for almost three weeks now.  To say it's been "hard" or "exhausting" is an understatement.  I was out of work for almost two weeks (so long I ran out of sick sick time = no pay!  I was already over $400 short on my paycheck as it was from missing work so there was no way we could survive if I missed more).  I'm slowly...and I do mean slowly...recovering. I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally, from all of this.  I'm used to getting knocked down by colds and flu, but I can usually overcome them pretty quick.  This has knocked me on my ass, backed up, ran over me, backed up again and parked it's nasty self directly in my lungs.  And on top of the sinus infection/bronchitis/pneumonia, my doctor diagnosed me with asthma as well.  She actually believes that is the underlying cause of why this hit me so hard.  She thinks I've probably had it for a while, a few years at least, but since I haven't ever really complained of any major symptoms (other than a lot of wheezing during exertion or when I'm sick), we never diagnosed it.  She's pretty sure that since my lungs are already compromised from the asthma, it was a perfect storm for this crap to attack me so hard.  I've done two rounds of antibiotics, two rounds of steroids (AKA crazyinabottle) more DayQuil and NyQuil than any person's liver and kidneys should have to metabolize in a lifetime, and was sent home with my own handy dandy little nebulizer for breathing treatments 4x a day.  It's been 19 days and I'm STILL worn out and have to be careful not to overdo it otherwise I end up wheezing and huffing and puffing like a crazy person.  I have I think 4 or 5 days left on the breathing treatments, then I'll meet with my doctor to set up a long-term plan for the asthma diagnosis. 

I've really tried hard not to complain while I've been sick, but it's been so hard.  I just want to feel better.  I want to BREATHE!  I want to be able to walk from the couch to the bathroom without having to take a hit off the inhaler because the exertion is causing my lungs to spasm.  I am so bone tired, and so very tired of BEING tired.  I live with chronic pain due to my back (which ironically hasn't hurt a lick since I've been on steroids!), but this is a totally different kind of incapacitated. I feel like people think I'm "milking" this illness...that I "should" be better by now.  So I feel guilty when I keep saying I'm still worn out, having trouble breathing, and generally still sick.  It has done NOTHING to help the anxiety and depression I deal with on a daily basis anyway.  I've had a few really bad days, sitting on the couch in tears because I'm so depressed that I just want to FEEL BETTER!!!  Don't get me wrong, there has been minor improvement.  I can finally breathe through my nose again.  I can wear my CPAP so I can sleep again. (I went about 4 or 5 days in the beginning when I didn't sleep at all because I had so much trouble breathing.  Those were fun days I tell ya.)  But I'm still just so damn worn out.  And I'm sick of being sick.  And my husband got sick too...of course.  So, you know who got to take care of him while I was still sick, which didn't make me feel any better at all!  
Hopefully within the next week or so this will all be a thing of the past and I can move on with getting the asthma under control and back on track to my FABULOUS BY FORTY plan and training for the Chance to Hope 5K...which sadly has gone nowhere lately.  :(  

That's about all for now...just a quick catch up and hello.  I'm hoping to get back in the swing of this blogging thing...I've missed it, but still sometimes feel it's kind of pointless because I really have nothing of interest to say.  

Hope whoever's reading is doing well!

June 3, 2013

New post on the new crafty blog!

Head on over to Sticks and Strings and Sewing Things for all the knitting updates you never knew you always wanted!

I'll be back tomorrow to update here on all the other non crafty stuff going on around here!



May 29, 2013

Come visit my new crafty blog!

Hey friends!  I decided to start a new blog to journal my knitting/sewing/crafty/DIY projects...and to keep the focus of this blog more on what it was originally intended, my journey through infertility, faith, life, and marriage.  

Come see my new blog (no thrilling crafty posts up yet, but there will be soon!) 

And yes, you're welcome for that earworm.  10 points for anyone who can name the vulgar rap song the title reminds me of!  

Love y'all!


February 9, 2013

Returning...and remembering

It always feels weird returning to the ol' blog after an absence.  I don't know why.  I guess I feel there won't be anyone left reading, or anyone interested enough to stick with me through these breaks in blogging.  But, truthfully, I don't blog for others...not to the extent that some do.  Sure, I want people to be interested in what I read, I want them to come back, I want to "inspire" in some way my readers, and I want this blog to be useful to me and others. But my blog has always been an outlet for the crazy mixed up jumble of thoughts and emotions I've dealt with as we've trudged through infertility, miscarriage, and life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my readers and really really want you to continue to read...just please abide with me through the quiet times.

The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.


My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her.  She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.


My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th.  She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body.  Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia).  At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma.  Her Bible was one of them.  I thumbed through it at the visitation.  It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin.  There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout.  It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well.  I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it.  I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did.  (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have.  I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young.  My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's.  I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day.  I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over.  For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own.  My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me.  I was floored and bawled my eyes out.  I couldn't believe I was holding it again.  I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)


Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August.  He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job.  The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar.  We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have.  He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly.  Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.


My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's.  I hate Alzheimer's.  I HATE IT!!!  I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease.  She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated.  She sleeps most of the day.  She rarely eats.  She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk.  She cannot do anything for herself.  My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore.  My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general).  She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal.  She can't respond to questions.  When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish.  Once in a great while she will respond to me.  It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love.  She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me.  Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting.  (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!)  I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you" which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm".  About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!).  The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"!  I laughed all the way home!  This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home.  She has no real quality of life.  She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her.  We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago.  What is carrying on now is simply her body.  Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between...  What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother.  The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother.  She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her.  My heart breaks every day for her.  Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny.  As devastating as it will be for me to lose her ( will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this.  There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.


So...that's where I'm at right now.  There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now.  And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!

I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!

November 6, 2012

A Plea For Help

I usually don't use my blog in this manner, but I feel compelled to do so this time.

Many of you remember me posting about my friend from high school that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  We heard that it was not as bad as they originally thought, right?

Well, that is wrong.  Turns out it is much WORSE than originally thought.

My friend is the sweetest person you'd ever dream of meeting.  She is just one of those genuinely NICE people...and it breaks my heart to know she's going through this.  She has already cut off her gorgeous long hair in preparation for the inevitable hair loss from chemo and donated it to Locks of Love.  

Friday will be her first chemotherapy treatment.  Due to the type of cancer she has (a particularly nasty aggressive high-chance-of-recurring-high-mortality-rate type), she will be undergoing extremely aggressive chemo, and then aggressive radiation following that.  She is a school music teacher and runs a small music studio with her husband, and she has been informed that she has to quit working during chemo because of immunodeficiency.  So, in addition to dealing with the emotional and physical ramifications of cancer, chemo and radiation, Mouse and her husband also have to deal with the loss of half of their income during this time. Add to this the medical bills that are already starting to pile up, and just sucks.  I heard that her husband was looking into selling their home in order to make ends meet.

A friend of theirs has set up a donation website (which I'm glad they did because I was going to organize one if someone didn't soon) to help Mouse and her husband with the staggering medical bills and daily living expenses so they can focus on her health.  Click HERE to help. Even a gift of $5 helps.

If you feel moved to do so, please donate.  If you do not, or cannot, I understand.  Something as simple as saying prayers for them is a huge support.

Thank you!