February 9, 2013

Returning...and remembering

It always feels weird returning to the ol' blog after an absence.  I don't know why.  I guess I feel there won't be anyone left reading, or anyone interested enough to stick with me through these breaks in blogging.  But, truthfully, I don't blog for others...not to the extent that some do.  Sure, I want people to be interested in what I read, I want them to come back, I want to "inspire" in some way my readers, and I want this blog to be useful to me and others. But my blog has always been an outlet for the crazy mixed up jumble of thoughts and emotions I've dealt with as we've trudged through infertility, miscarriage, and life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my readers and really really want you to continue to read...just please abide with me through the quiet times.

The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.

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My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her.  She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.

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My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th.  She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body.  Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia).  At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma.  Her Bible was one of them.  I thumbed through it at the visitation.  It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin.  There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout.  It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well.  I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it.  I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did.  (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have.  I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young.  My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's.  I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day.  I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over.  For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own.  My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me.  I was floored and bawled my eyes out.  I couldn't believe I was holding it again.  I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)

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Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August.  He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job.  The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar.  We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have.  He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly.  Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.

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My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's.  I hate Alzheimer's.  I HATE IT!!!  I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease.  She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated.  She sleeps most of the day.  She rarely eats.  She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk.  She cannot do anything for herself.  My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore.  My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general).  She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal.  She can't respond to questions.  When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish.  Once in a great while she will respond to me.  It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love.  She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me.  Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting.  (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!)  I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you"...to which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm".  About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!).  The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"!  I laughed all the way home!  This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home.  She has no real quality of life.  She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her.  We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago.  What is carrying on now is simply her body.  Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between...  What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother.  The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother.  She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her.  My heart breaks every day for her.  Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny.  As devastating as it will be for me to lose her (truly...it will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this.  There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.

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So...that's where I'm at right now.  There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now.  And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!

I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!

November 6, 2012

A Plea For Help

I usually don't use my blog in this manner, but I feel compelled to do so this time.

Many of you remember me posting about my friend from high school that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  We heard that it was not as bad as they originally thought, right?

Well, that is wrong.  Turns out it is much WORSE than originally thought.

My friend is the sweetest person you'd ever dream of meeting.  She is just one of those genuinely NICE people...and it breaks my heart to know she's going through this.  She has already cut off her gorgeous long hair in preparation for the inevitable hair loss from chemo and donated it to Locks of Love.  

Friday will be her first chemotherapy treatment.  Due to the type of cancer she has (a particularly nasty aggressive high-chance-of-recurring-high-mortality-rate type), she will be undergoing extremely aggressive chemo, and then aggressive radiation following that.  She is a school music teacher and runs a small music studio with her husband, and she has been informed that she has to quit working during chemo because of immunodeficiency.  So, in addition to dealing with the emotional and physical ramifications of cancer, chemo and radiation, Mouse and her husband also have to deal with the loss of half of their income during this time. Add to this the medical bills that are already starting to pile up, and well...it just sucks.  I heard that her husband was looking into selling their home in order to make ends meet.

A friend of theirs has set up a donation website (which I'm glad they did because I was going to organize one if someone didn't soon) to help Mouse and her husband with the staggering medical bills and daily living expenses so they can focus on her health.  Click HERE to help. Even a gift of $5 helps.

If you feel moved to do so, please donate.  If you do not, or cannot, I understand.  Something as simple as saying prayers for them is a huge support.

Thank you!

October 23, 2012

The Beauty In Autumn



Many people see Autumn as a dreary, depressing season.  The days feel shorter, it gets dark earlier, the leaves fall and the plants die.  It's colder, we have to pack away the shorts, tank tops, capris and flip-flops to make room for sweatpants, long sleeved flannel shirts, warm shoes, boots and hoodies.  Most people bemoan the coming of October and this season of dying off.

I, always being the odd woman out, couldn't be more opposite.  

I LOVE Autumn.  

I haven't always felt this way, but over the last 10 or so years, something has switched over in me and I simply adore autumn.  
I love everything about it.

Cooler temperatures, changing and falling leaves, fires on chilly evenings, hot cocoa and snuggling under a blanket, roasting marshmallows, candy corn, sweaters, hand knit socks, scarves, pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!, rosy cheeks and chilly noses, Thanksgiving, caramel apples, the smell of fall baking.

But there's more, much more to it than all that.

I never feel more alive, more optimistic, more full of promise than I do in the fall.  The sunlight always seems brighter, the world more vibrant, more...alive somehow.  

I know, it sounds strange in a season where everything is dying off and preparing to hibernate for the winter to feel alive and full of promise.

I feel that it's more of a time to recharge.  To slow down.  To be remade.  To remake what has become worn and broken.  The earth uses fall as a season of rest; vegetation dies off so the roots can recharge and rest before the spring season of growth.  I see this also as a time of sloughing off what has become old, unuseful, worn and broken within ourselves.  It's a time for slowing down.  A time for looking inward, for making room for new growth to take root and bloom.

We all receive gifts from God, whether we know it or choose to acknowledge them.

I think one of my gifts is seeing the life in the dying, the renewing of the old, the beauty in the waning.  

And for that, I am most grateful.


October 18, 2012

The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)

Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here.  Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good!  (I'm not saying this too loud...)


The Good:

*My friend from work is recovering!  Praise God!  She is out of the coma, responsive and improving.  They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks.  Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords.  The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well.  Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.

*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!!  Another Praise God!!!  It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream.  She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all!  AMEN!!!


The Bad:


*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position.  He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him.  He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at.  We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long.  We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.


*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks.  He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding.  Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks).  Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again.  He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight.  I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight.  He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke.  Please pray for him?


The Not-So-Ugly:

Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post.  (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).

Done?  Good!

Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan.  After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.

Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently.  A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:



WE ARE ADOPTING!!!


No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.  

We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.  

I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third.  I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information.  (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do?  I have serious telephone anxiety.  I HATE talking on the phone.  You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living.  My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way.  We don't even call each other.  I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years.  However, we text, email and tweet all day long!  But the phone?  Nah.) 

One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching).  We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January.  That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.

To say we're excited is an extreme understatement.  It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days.  Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year.  I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy!  (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)  

I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through.  Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.  

We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.  

I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.  

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Love, 

Rebecca

October 9, 2012

Where I've been, and then some...

It's been so long since I've posted, I don't even know where to begin.  So, here's the past couple of months in brief.  All of these items are worthy of posts of their own, and will be eventually revisited, I just don't have the energy right now.  It's been a long few months.

~Matt graduated!  YAY!

~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well!  YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)

~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer.  She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free".  YAY YAY YAY!!!

~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost.  To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it).  I miss my babies so damn much.

~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it.  I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds.  One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo.  To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen.  We were pregnant.  Then we weren't.  I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics.  Nothing.  Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me.  Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done.  It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me.  I don't expect people to understand.

~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures.  I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her.  She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend.  She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it.  Please pray for her and her family.

~My 20 year high school reunion was this year.  I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!

~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December.  She is due on Christmas Day!  YAY!!!  Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her.  How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!

~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well.  Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar.  It hasn't.  During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream.  They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation.  To say we are all gutted is an understatement.  She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind.  Please also pray for her and her family.

~It's FALL!!!  HUGE YAY!!!

~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman.  I am so excited for them!  Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!

~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do.  Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble.  I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!

August 1, 2012

Try It Out Tuesday - Orange Marmalade (IS apparently harder than it looks!)



I decided on trying my hand at orange marmalade this week to use up a gigantic bag of oranges we had in the fridge (which apparently no one was going to eat).

Click here for the original pin on my Food/Recipes board.
Follow me on Pinterest.

*Don't forget to click over to Kelly's blog, My Purple Brick Road, for a tasty review of Nutella S'mores!

I chose this recipe simply because it looked easy, fool-proof and didn't use pectin (I don't keep that on hand and didn't want to buy any).  This particular site gave wonderful step by step directions and photos.  The original recipe it links to is here.

I peeled the oranges, slivered the peel, cut up the oranges and plopped them all into my trusty stock pot.




I added water and sugar in the amounts called for and set it to boiling. I am damn sure think this is where I went wrong.


When I looked back over the recipe (I read it a dozen times before I started, one would think I'd get it right!)...it says to boil the oranges and peel for at least an hour until soft...THEN add the sugar.  It should only take about an hour to hour and a half to obtain marmalade-y texture and consistency.

Yeah, right. 

I boiled and boiled and boiled my mixture. 




And boiled some more.


When it hit the three hour mark with no signs of the slightest inclination of jelling...I called it a draw. 


I now have a stock pot full of orange vanilla sludge.  It smells wonderful, it even tastes pretty good.  However, it is no where NEAR marmalade.

Modifications: I added about a tsp of vanilla. It smelled delicious and gave it an interesting flavor.

Fail Factors: The entire project was a total and utter fail. But I believe that is all my fault as I didn't wait to add the sugar.

For The Win: The recipe really is simple. (And successful if done right, I assume).

Will I attempt this recipe again? Yes, simply because I will NOT BE DEFEATED!!! LOL

Have you made homemade jams or jellies?  With or without pectin? How have yours turned out? Any tips for the novice?


*"Try It Out Tuesday" is a blog hop (or blog party) created by 3 friends, and is inspired by Pinterest. We choose one, sometimes two "pins" (if you want to be labeled an overachiever, just sayin') per week, try them out, and review them on our blogs. Anyone can join in, just leave the link to your Try It Out Tuesday post in the comments and we'll add you to the list! C'mon, Try It Out!

July 24, 2012

Try It Out Tuesday - Shower Caddy



Linking up with Kelly for Try It Out Tuesday!  She has an awesome post about DIY makeup remover AND homemade, reusable makeup remover pads.  


Today's TIOT is so quick and easy I'm almost embarrassed to post it.  It's one of those ideas that when you see it, you want to smack yourself in the head and say "Now, why didn't I think of that???"


You can find the pin on my Organizational Ideas board on Pinterest.  You can also follow me by clicking this link.  


The Idea: To move your hang-over-the-shower head caddy (if you have one) to the opposite wall of the shower so it doesn't interfere with the shower head (especially if you, like me, have a detachable sprayer shower head...that dumb hose catches that caddy every time!), and to keep the caddy and the items in it from getting so wet and mildewy.  The original pin called for a large coat hook mounted to the bathroom wall, and to hang the caddy from that.  Well...our bathroom has a shower surround thingie that sticks out too far for me to to that.  See: 
(that's not dirt...it's paint spatter)


Also, we rent this place, so I don't want to have to remove a coat hook and patch the hole when we move.  And, honestly, since I'm flat-ass-broke on a bit of a budget being that we only have one income...I didn't want to spend any money if I didn't really HAVE to.  


I then remembered that I had some 3M Command Hooks in the kitchen junk drawer!  


Ta-DAAAA!


All that was left was to hang the caddy from said command hook.  


VIOLA!!!  

Modifications:  Command hook stuck to the shower surround wall instead of a coat hook screwed into the bathroom wall.

Fail Factors:  None that I can think of.  It's pretty idiot proof.  Unless the adhesive strip fails and the caddy goes crashing to the floor of the tub in the middle of the night, thereby scaring the living daylights out of me.  I then may need to change my sheets.  :)

For The Win: This particular project didn't cost me anything.  Not one single red cent.  Except for the cost of the command hook, but since I already had it, I'm not counting that cost.
                     This project literally took five minutes to accomplish.  You can't get any more "winning" than that!


*"Try It Out Tuesday" is a blog hop (or blog party) created by 3 friends, and is inspired by Pinterest. We choose one, sometimes two "pins" (if you want to be labeled an overachiever, just sayin') per week, try them out, and review them on our blogs. Anyone can join in, just leave the link to your Try It Out Tuesday post in the comments and we'll add you to the list! C'mon, Try It Out!
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD. ~Jeremiah 29:11-14