The Beauty In Autumn

Many people see Autumn as a dreary, depressing season.  The days feel shorter, it gets dark earlier, the leaves fall and the plants die.  It's colder, we have to pack away the shorts, tank tops, capris and flip-flops to make room for sweatpants, long sleeved flannel shirts, warm shoes, boots and hoodies.  Most people bemoan the coming of October and this season of dying off.

I, always being the odd woman out, couldn't be more opposite.  

I LOVE Autumn.  

I haven't always felt this way, but over the last 10 or so years, something has switched over in me and I simply adore autumn.  

I love everything about it.

Cooler temperatures, changing and falling leaves, fires on chilly evenings, hot cocoa and snuggling under a blanket, roasting marshmallows, candy corn, sweaters, hand knit socks, scarves, pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!, rosy cheeks and chilly noses, Thanksgiving, caramel apples, the smell of fall baking.

But there's more, much more to it than all that.

I never feel more alive, more optimistic, more full of promise than I do in the fall.  The sunlight always seems brighter, the world more vibrant, more...alive somehow.  

I know, it sounds strange in a season where everything is dying off and preparing to hibernate for the winter to feel alive and full of promise.

I feel that it's more of a time to recharge.  To slow down.  To be remade.  To remake what has become worn and broken.  The earth uses fall as a season of rest; vegetation dies off so the roots can recharge and rest before the spring season of growth.  I see this also as a time of sloughing off what has become old, unuseful, worn and broken within ourselves.  It's a time for slowing down.  A time for looking inward, for making room for new growth to take root and bloom.

We all receive gifts from God, whether we know it or choose to acknowledge them.

I think one of my gifts is seeing the life in the dying, the renewing of the old, the beauty in the waning.  

And for that, I am most grateful.

The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)

Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here.  Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good!  (I'm not saying this too loud...)


The Good:

*My friend from work is recovering!  Praise God!  She is out of the coma, responsive and improving.  They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks.  Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords.  The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well.  Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.

*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!!  Another Praise God!!!  It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream.  She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all!  AMEN!!!


The Bad:


*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position.  He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him.  He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at.  We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long.  We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.


*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks.  He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding.  Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks).  Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again.  He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight.  I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight.  He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke.  Please pray for him?


The Not-So-Ugly:

Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post.  (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).

Done?  Good!

Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan.  After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.

Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently.  A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:

WE ARE ADOPTING!!!

No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.  

We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.  

I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third.  I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information.  (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do?  I have serious telephone anxiety.  I HATE talking on the phone.  You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living.  My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way.  We don't even call each other.  I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years.  However, we text, email and tweet all day long!  But the phone?  Nah.) 

One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching).  We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January.  That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.

To say we're excited is an extreme understatement.  It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days.  Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year.  I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy!  (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)  

I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through.  Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.  

We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.  

I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.  

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Love, 

Rebecca

Where I've been, and then some...

It's been so long since I've posted, I don't even know where to begin.  So, here's the past couple of months in brief.  All of these items are worthy of posts of their own, and will be eventually revisited, I just don't have the energy right now.  It's been a long few months.

~Matt graduated!  YAY!

~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well!  YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)

~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer.  She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free".  YAY YAY YAY!!!

~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost.  To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it).  I miss my babies so damn much.

~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it.  I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds.  One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo.  To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen.  We were pregnant.  Then we weren't.  I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics.  Nothing.  Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me.  Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done.  It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me.  I don't expect people to understand.

~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures.  I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her.  She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend.  She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it.  Please pray for her and her family.

~My 20 year high school reunion was this year.  I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!

~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December.  She is due on Christmas Day!  YAY!!!  Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her.  How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!

~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well.  Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar.  It hasn't.  During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream.  They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation.  To say we are all gutted is an understatement.  She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind.  Please also pray for her and her family.

~It's FALL!!!  HUGE YAY!!!

~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman.  I am so excited for them!  Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!

~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do.  Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble.  I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!