Where I've been...

It's been a while since I've dusted off the ol' blog and written anything.  Not for lack of wanting to...more for lack of having anything to say.  Well, that's really not correct either.  I, as usual, have a lot of things rattling around in this noggin of mine, but they seem to get lost somewhere between the formation of the thought in my brain and this screen.  Sad, really, when you think about it.  So many good thoughts deprived of their proper articulation and delivery into the universe.  :)

I guess I could start with Project IF, and why I didn't submit a post.  I believe in  my heart that it's a beautiful and important project.  I had all intentions of writing a post to submit.  I just couldn't get it from there to here.  It just wouldn't cooperate.  I think a lot of it has to do with the real reason behind my blogger's block and my absence from the blogosphere lately.  There are just times when I can't be here, mentally and emotionally.  I know that everyone "gets it" and understands.  It pisses me off at myself to a degree sometimes though.  I have been reading blogs and commenting when I can, and I hope you all know that I am with you in my thoughts through all you are going through - the good the bad and the in-between.  You are all in my prayers daily.  There are just times when I have to step away.  It's a double edged sword, because in stepping away to protect my own interests, I hurt or alienate others in the process.  I don't mean to, I really don't.  It's just that I have been wavering in my emotional dealing with IF in general, especially with the recent passing of Mother's Day (more on that in a little while), and what seems to be a growing number of bloggers succeeding in their quests to become pregnant...I'm feeling a little left behind.  Please know that I'm happy for you, if you reading this are one of those bloggers.  I am happy in the only way I can be...that certain kind of happiness that is always tempered with a little tinge of jealousy and "why her and not me?" questioning.  For the most part I have been dealing OK with my own personal IF problems.  I am still angry and saddened that we don't have the opportunities that many of you out there do.  We are right now a one income family (me), and we simply can't afford treatments at this point.  My insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments like some of yours does.  I can't afford IVF like some of you can.  I can't even afford a medicated (or non medicated for that matter) IUI cycle.  I could probably afford to do Femara or Clomid, but what's the use of using them without monitoring, and I can't afford that.  We can't afford to adopt (and our adoption through DFS has stalled, we're waiting to see if we can get in the foster/adopt class this fall).  Please understand, I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and success...I'm not an evil person.  There are just times when I feel so left behind and hopeless that I can't bear to read a pregnancy post or announcement.  I'm 36 years old, and time is running short for the odds of us having a child...both conceiving and adopting.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, and one that I choke on sometimes.  It's so hard to have hope and not become totally mired down in the bog when the road ahead is so long...and has so many roadblocks thrown in the middle.  That being said...God has begun to work His healing in my heart, and for that I am grateful.  It's still a daily struggle though.  I consciously have to ask God daily to help me deal with this.  There are times the anger, jealousy, and hurt are more than I can bear.  Some days hurt more than others.  I am not angry/jealous/hurting 100% of every day anymore, which is good.  But there are times when that old "knee jerk bitter infertile" reaction pops to the surface, surprising me and everyone around me by taking me from Rebecca to BITCH in 0.2 seconds.  It sucks.  These are the times I make myself focus on God and try to open my heart just a little more to accept His healing.  Then there are the good days.  The days when I can allow myself to enjoy life.  I can laugh.  I can dream about the possibility of the future baby that we hope will be ours someday.  I can see children in public and look at them without my heart breaking.  I can allow myself to wish, to hope, and pray that God's Will will soon be made manifest in our lives.  That's why there are times that I can't submerse myself in all things infertility.  I can't allow myself to get sucked down into that bog again.  I was there for a long time, and through the Grace of God and the smack upside the head help of my best friend, I have been able to pull myself up enough to begin to breathe and live again.  It sucks, because I believe it is my calling from God to be a helper in peoples' lives.  I am here to serve others by helping them through what they need to be helped through.  That's why I love my job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher.  I can, on a daily basis, touch someone's life even if it means just talking to them and giving them an outlet.  I feel that way about my friends, both in real life and online.  I want to help.  I want to offer support and counsel.  I want to be there at any time they need me.  I hate that my own internal pain holds me back from performing what I feel are my "duties" as a friend.  For that, I am sorry and I apologize to anyone who has felt I have not been there for them.  I am working with God to both forgive myself for my own shortcomings and to rely on Him for the strength to put my own feelings aside and be a better servant to Him and others.

Mother's Day was both bitter and sweet for me this year.  I, of course, had the requisite infertile's dread of the impending barrage of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes on those certain social networking sites.  I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel the emptiness and pain for a while, and was very touched to have a lot of support from friends and family that day.  But I was also honored by my husband and stepson and reminded by many people that mean the world to me that I am a good Mom.  I might not be his "real" mom, but I am a good mom to him.  I do all the things that a mom should do for their child, and I was touched that my husband and stepson took time to acknowledge that for me on Mother's Day.  My husband even asked me (because he knows how the day affects me) if they could get me something because my stepson had asked if he could.  Of course I said yes.  What kind of evil person denys a 9 year old boy when he wants to get his stepmom a Mother's Day gift?  LOL  They bought me a beautiful card, a birdbath for my yard, and my stepson brought me a marigold plant they had grown from seeds in school.  It was so sweet.

So, that's where and how I've been lately.  I don't mean to make it sound like it's all been bad, because honestly, things haven't been.  Nothing is ever always all lollipops and daisies, but God never promised us that anyway.  He just promised it would be worth it in the end.    And that's what keeps me going.