May 19, 2010

Where I've been...

It's been a while since I've dusted off the ol' blog and written anything.  Not for lack of wanting to...more for lack of having anything to say.  Well, that's really not correct either.  I, as usual, have a lot of things rattling around in this noggin of mine, but they seem to get lost somewhere between the formation of the thought in my brain and this screen.  Sad, really, when you think about it.  So many good thoughts deprived of their proper articulation and delivery into the universe.  :)

I guess I could start with Project IF, and why I didn't submit a post.  I believe in  my heart that it's a beautiful and important project.  I had all intentions of writing a post to submit.  I just couldn't get it from there to here.  It just wouldn't cooperate.  I think a lot of it has to do with the real reason behind my blogger's block and my absence from the blogosphere lately.  There are just times when I can't be here, mentally and emotionally.  I know that everyone "gets it" and understands.  It pisses me off at myself to a degree sometimes though.  I have been reading blogs and commenting when I can, and I hope you all know that I am with you in my thoughts through all you are going through - the good the bad and the in-between.  You are all in my prayers daily.  There are just times when I have to step away.  It's a double edged sword, because in stepping away to protect my own interests, I hurt or alienate others in the process.  I don't mean to, I really don't.  It's just that I have been wavering in my emotional dealing with IF in general, especially with the recent passing of Mother's Day (more on that in a little while), and what seems to be a growing number of bloggers succeeding in their quests to become pregnant...I'm feeling a little left behind.  Please know that I'm happy for you, if you reading this are one of those bloggers.  I am happy in the only way I can be...that certain kind of happiness that is always tempered with a little tinge of jealousy and "why her and not me?" questioning.  For the most part I have been dealing OK with my own personal IF problems.  I am still angry and saddened that we don't have the opportunities that many of you out there do.  We are right now a one income family (me), and we simply can't afford treatments at this point.  My insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments like some of yours does.  I can't afford IVF like some of you can.  I can't even afford a medicated (or non medicated for that matter) IUI cycle.  I could probably afford to do Femara or Clomid, but what's the use of using them without monitoring, and I can't afford that.  We can't afford to adopt (and our adoption through DFS has stalled, we're waiting to see if we can get in the foster/adopt class this fall).  Please understand, I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and success...I'm not an evil person.  There are just times when I feel so left behind and hopeless that I can't bear to read a pregnancy post or announcement.  I'm 36 years old, and time is running short for the odds of us having a child...both conceiving and adopting.  It's a bitter pill to swallow, and one that I choke on sometimes.  It's so hard to have hope and not become totally mired down in the bog when the road ahead is so long...and has so many roadblocks thrown in the middle.  That being said...God has begun to work His healing in my heart, and for that I am grateful.  It's still a daily struggle though.  I consciously have to ask God daily to help me deal with this.  There are times the anger, jealousy, and hurt are more than I can bear.  Some days hurt more than others.  I am not angry/jealous/hurting 100% of every day anymore, which is good.  But there are times when that old "knee jerk bitter infertile" reaction pops to the surface, surprising me and everyone around me by taking me from Rebecca to BITCH in 0.2 seconds.  It sucks.  These are the times I make myself focus on God and try to open my heart just a little more to accept His healing.  Then there are the good days.  The days when I can allow myself to enjoy life.  I can laugh.  I can dream about the possibility of the future baby that we hope will be ours someday.  I can see children in public and look at them without my heart breaking.  I can allow myself to wish, to hope, and pray that God's Will will soon be made manifest in our lives.  That's why there are times that I can't submerse myself in all things infertility.  I can't allow myself to get sucked down into that bog again.  I was there for a long time, and through the Grace of God and the smack upside the head help of my best friend, I have been able to pull myself up enough to begin to breathe and live again.  It sucks, because I believe it is my calling from God to be a helper in peoples' lives.  I am here to serve others by helping them through what they need to be helped through.  That's why I love my job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher.  I can, on a daily basis, touch someone's life even if it means just talking to them and giving them an outlet.  I feel that way about my friends, both in real life and online.  I want to help.  I want to offer support and counsel.  I want to be there at any time they need me.  I hate that my own internal pain holds me back from performing what I feel are my "duties" as a friend.  For that, I am sorry and I apologize to anyone who has felt I have not been there for them.  I am working with God to both forgive myself for my own shortcomings and to rely on Him for the strength to put my own feelings aside and be a better servant to Him and others.

Mother's Day was both bitter and sweet for me this year.  I, of course, had the requisite infertile's dread of the impending barrage of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes on those certain social networking sites.  I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel the emptiness and pain for a while, and was very touched to have a lot of support from friends and family that day.  But I was also honored by my husband and stepson and reminded by many people that mean the world to me that I am a good Mom.  I might not be his "real" mom, but I am a good mom to him.  I do all the things that a mom should do for their child, and I was touched that my husband and stepson took time to acknowledge that for me on Mother's Day.  My husband even asked me (because he knows how the day affects me) if they could get me something because my stepson had asked if he could.  Of course I said yes.  What kind of evil person denys a 9 year old boy when he wants to get his stepmom a Mother's Day gift?  LOL  They bought me a beautiful card, a birdbath for my yard, and my stepson brought me a marigold plant they had grown from seeds in school.  It was so sweet.

So, that's where and how I've been lately.  I don't mean to make it sound like it's all been bad, because honestly, things haven't been.  Nothing is ever always all lollipops and daisies, but God never promised us that anyway.  He just promised it would be worth it in the end.    And that's what keeps me going.

8 comments:

  1. I understand what you mean about needing to pull away for your own peace and sanity. I have pulled away from other outlets for the same reason. We all need to find our own balance in all of this.

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  2. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a very similar space and am struggling daily with the "deadline" it seems is looming ahead for me. I know that people become parents at a variety of ages these days but something about being 36 and trying to figure out how to complete our family now is weighing me down. Take care of you!

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  3. i read something recently that may help. maybe sometimes. maybe not. i don't know, but here it is: you can't base your own personal happiness on the things that you can't control.
    i certainly understand wanting and desire and jealousy and all of that. very natural human responses. but try not to let them control your life. try to let go. easier said than done, i know i know. just take little steps. breathe. appreciate some of the good that you have ... a loving husband, and a stepson who obviously adores you. wow. that is something. and he is still at the age where i bet he will let you hug him and hold him, not in front of his friends of course! enjoy him. he obviously is reaching out to you. you can be a mother to him you know. the word step is not a necessary prefix for what you can feel in your heart for this child.
    best to you always.

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  4. It sounds as if your faith has been a great source of strength for you.

    ICLW

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  5. Faith for me thru our journey took almost a harder hit than finding out biological children were impossible. I blamed God and I took it personal. What kind of father would do this (strike them barren) to their child? For me, coming back to a much missed relationship with God has been a massive learning experience. Everything I hoped and prayed for before, everything that I 'believed' God was going to do for me, didn't quite end the way I wanted it to. And I have quickly realized that for most of my 19 years of IF struggle, I obessed on the potential pregnancy/baby and really never obessed on God Himself.
    I am a mom through adoption (the beginning of that road was more hell than I ever care to go thru again) but he is my world and was worth ever step we took to get him! But sometimes I do still feel 'robbed'. I do still get the twinges of jealousy when I see/hear that the undeserving teen/drug addict is pregnant again... I don't know it that will ever fully go away.
    That's why I'm here. I want fellow infertiles to know they are not alone and that it's perfectly ok to be pissed off at infertility.

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  6. Faith is amazing. It gets me through so much. I wish you find peace and happiness.

    ICLW(#64)

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  7. I didn't contribute to the project either. It was a wonderful project, but I just didn't feel in the right place to participate. Knowing one's self enough to know our limitations is something to be proud of.

    ICLW

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  8. Thanks for this honest and heartfelt post, Rebecca. I think you're right; we've all been there before and we all need breaks every now and again from the blogging world. Sometimes it's too much, and it's okay to pull back a little. This journey is certainly hard in so many ways - emotionally, physically, financially...
    I still struggle with the emotional scars from so many years of waiting, feeling left behind, and recurrent losses. I think it takes a long time to heal, but God is with me just as He is with you. Please know that you're in my prayers. I know it feels like time isn't on your side but I also know that with God, nothing is impossible! Thinking of you, friend.

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Thank you for taking the time to share your comments and insight with me, for being a part of my journey on The Road, and for allowing me to be a part of yours...come back soon!