June 3, 2010
Take a few more steps with me...
A couple of months ago I wrote this post chronicling the first few steps I had taken down the road I'm on. The first steps of accepting the help of others, of finding my way back to God, of allowing God to work within me to heal my heart and of finding my purpose in life in the absence of my own desires.
It hasn't all been a smooth, straight shot. Life is still a little rough around the edges, and there are many things I need to release, some I need to accept, and more lessons I need to learn. There have been setbacks, there has been denial and resistance.
But there has also been peace. Happiness. Love. Trust. Things I didn't believe I could feel again.
Because I allowed them a place to grow.
I asked God to help me release what was holding me back in my life, what I was holding on to that was darkening the very core of my soul.
The seedlings of faith, healing, and complete surrender are taking root in my heart and in my life...and it's an amazing feeling.
It's a little disconcerting sometimes to not have that death-grip of control over every little thing that happens. It's hard to not want to hold on to the anger, the bitterness, the jealousy, the self-pity. Because as much as I do want to hold on to them (because they are familiar, they are what I know, they are what I'm used to, they are as comfortable to me as a worn pair of pajamas) I know they are not healthy. They are not conducive to the new life I have been given. They are not what God wants in my heart. And they are not what I want in my heart.
Matt and I had a meeting on Wednesday with the pastor of the church we have been attending to talk to him about becoming members there. Pastor T is just awesome. I love his ministering style, his sermons are always relevant, and he is just an all around nice guy. Anyway, we talked at length about us joining and we learned that another couple are also interested in joining as well. The four of us will be taking the instructional classes to become new members starting next Friday. :) I'm really excited about it. I was raised in the Methodist church, so I am very interested in learning all I can about the Lutheran faith. Matt will be taking the classes with me, even though he was confirmed as a teenager. Pastor T recommends that anyway, to re-take the classes as an adult, because there is so much more one can get from them after they have some life experience under their belt. Even if he didn't recommend it, Matt was going to take them anyway, to support me through them. Have I mentioned lately that my husband rocks? :)
I am still chugging along with my "Bible Cover to Cover" project. I started in January reading straight through the Bible and am now starting 2 Chronicles. It's been a true learning experience for me, because I've never read the Bible straight through cover to cover before. I've read snippets and stories and learned verses as most people that were "raised in church" have. But to dive in headfirst from "In the beginning...", it's a totally different thing. I'm really enjoying it. My best friend joined an online group in January that was reading the Bible in 90 Days. There's another group starting in July, and I'm considering joining along, but I'm still not sure. I need to do a little more thinking and praying about it. One reason I'm hesitant is that we will be right in the middle of our instructional classes at church, and I'm not sure I want to take away from that or from the Bible by trying to do too much at once. We'll see.
A couple of people have asked where we are on the TTC/adoption front, so I thought I would update that as well. We're pretty much at a standstill with it all. We've submitted our application for homestudy and review for the adoption through DFS, but we still haven't heard if we are going to be able to get into the foster/adopt class this fall. Everything is up in the air. I did also send off for an informational packet from an adoption agency I heard of and I received that the other day. It seems promising, but it's still a long way off for us I'm afraid. Their fees alone are $19,500. That doesn't include homestudy fees, our lawyer to finalize the adoption, any other expenses that need to be paid. That's just to match us and facilitate the adoption. It all makes me want to cry honestly. It's been such a long road, why does it have to be so expensive too? I just don't know what our next step is. We have a lot of praying to do there as well. TTC is pretty much nonexistent right now as AF has been MIA for some time. I have an appointment in June for my yearly exam at the gyno, and I will be discussing some options with him then. For right now, I'm trying to focus on getting this blasted PCOS under control and losing some weight. Both of them are enough to make me crazy. I've been prescribed Metformin for my PCOS for years, but haven't taken it for quite a while. I don't have a valid reason, I just haven't taken it. So that is step #1 I guess, get started back on the Metformin and see what happens with that and some weight loss.
And there you have it. The good, bad and indifferent of what's been going on with me.
How are you?