I was hoping to have a more positive post for today, being it is only the 5th day of NaBloPoMo, but I'm just not in that space today. If you're looking for an upbeat, positive, cheery post...well, I'm sorry. Today will just not be that day.
Some of you already know from Twitter and Facebook that I had a pretty tough day yesterday, emotionally. I've been wavering on whether or not to post these feelings, as I've been trying to keep this a place of positivity, hope, and encouragement. To be honest, I'm not feeling any of those things right now. And, since this blog is intended to be an amalgam of all facets of my life, these feelings have their place here too.
There is not one word to define what I'm feeling. If I had to put a label on it, it would be despair. Everything has come crashing down on me in a wave, and I am struggling to get my head above water.
It's all tying into infertility in some way or another. I don't have these feelings often...or rather I don't allow myself to indulge these feelings often. Most of the time I'm able to shove them back down into the ugly little black hole in my heart where they came from...but right now they're overflowing and washing over me like a flood. I need to get them out before they completely overwhelm me.
The impact of my husband being out of work since last Christmas is hitting us, and although I don't fault him in any way, shape or form, I am frustrated. He has been putting in applications, sending out resumes, and actively looking for employment for almost a year now. He has had several interviews that didn't work out. He does have two interviews on the 15th (Thank God!), so keep us in your prayers that something comes of one of them. I feel the pressure of being the sole income, which has farther reaching ramifications than just not having much money in the bank. I find myself resentful that we can't afford the infertility treatments that I know we need. I "met" that fabulous doctor in the webchat and have yet to make an appointment because I don't want to get my hopes up and get a ball rolling on something I know we don't have the money to do (treatments). I am jealous that other people can afford to do treatments, even if it's "just" Clomid, injectibles, and IUI's. I'm uber-jealous that others can afford or have insurance coverage to do IVF. I'm jealous that other people can get loans and credit cards to pay for their treatments. With our credit (especially with the recent forclosure of our home), there is no way in Hell we could (or SHOULD, in all reality), get a loan or credit card.
I'm frustrated with my weight and my recent back injury. I am miserable, and have all the desire in the world to begin an exercise program to get back on track to losing weight (which I know will help with the PCOS and infertility...much as I hate to admit that my weight is causing problems, I know it is). I went to the gym with Matt yesterday and was only able to do 7 minutes on the treadmill at 1.7 mph before my back was killing me. I pushed myself to do 10 minutes and was in tears I hurt so bad at the end. I know I can't expect miracles, but jeez. What a pathetic loser.
I'm so depressed that I will be 37 in 5 months and am still no closer to being a mother than I was six years ago. October marked 6 years that we have been TTC. Granted the majority of that time has been "on our own" without medical treatment, we've still been TTC. It sucks. Time and time again I have been passed by, watched everyone around me get pregnant once, twice and sometimes even three times. Some of these women are very dear friends, and while I am thrilled for them, I can't help but feel jealous, hopeless, and broken because it isn't me. I know there is no "race", there is not a finite number of babies in the world, and that these women are deserving of the miracles they have been given...I can't help but foster the negative thoughts of "Why not me?". What have I done in life to deserve the heartbreak of this? Am I not deserving enough to have just one child? Why can other women have two, three, four or more, and I can't even have one? Am I not good enough? Is this God's way of keeping me from completely screwing up my future child because I will be a horrible mother? I know those thoughts are not rational, but they are real.
A friend of mine has been struggling in her life as of late, and recently wrote that in a certain turn of events of her life she felt like "in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and had a big ole laugh". My heart broke to hear her say that, but in reading her words, I heard my own voice. That's how I feel too. I have prayed, I have begged, I have dedicated my life to God and serving him through helping people. I am a devoted wife, a loyal friend, I honor my parents and I serve my community. For six long devastating years I have prayed for a child. And sometimes I feel like God has, well...for lack of better words, taken a giant steamer on my dreams. I know this is not true, in the part of me that trusts that He has a plan. But that small, sinful, untrusting part of me...well, it lurks like a festering splinter.
I want to believe God has a plan. No, I do believe God has a plan. I am just incredibly frustrated that I can't know what it is right now.
My heart hurts. My soul aches. My womb aches with the fullness of one who was never and may never be there. My arms cradle emptiness and my eyes cry hot tears of anguish over the loss of the dreams of one who never was. One who might never be.
I trust that God can work His healing in my heart, He has done it before. I will still be devoted to Him and follow His will when He chooses to light the next step.
As I am working my way out of this, I ask you all, if you are willing, to pray for me. Pray that God will work His healing in my broken heart and restore peace and hope. Pray that I can learn to put full trust in Him and His plan, whatever that may be. I know it might not look the way I envision my life, but I know that whatever it is will be exactly what He wants for my life.
Thanks for listening and being here for me.