June 19, 2012
Starting over...again.
How many times have I done this? How many times have I tried to lose weight, to get in shape, to be healthier? How many times have I started, failed, started, failed, started, failed and started again? Too many times to count. I'm sick of it. Something has to change. I have to change.
I realized the other day when I was taking yet another pain pill for my aching back and knees...WHY???
Why am I doing this to myself? I'm literally killing myself by eating junk and being a sedentary sloth. I hurt so bad from the pain in my knees and back that I literally can't stand for longer than five minutes, and walking? Forget it. It's ridiculous. I'm thirty eight years old, not eighty eight!!! Shoot, some eighty eight year olds are in better shape than I am right now. I cannot let this go on anymore. Not one single minute more.
Confession time (and this is hard enough to admit to myself, let alone put this out there on my blog and have everyone see it...please don't judge): I am thirty eight years old and I weigh 396 lbs. That's disgusting. I feel disgusting. I am miserable daily, and I feel ugly, gross, and unlovable on a daily basis. I am in pain all the time, I don't sleep well because I'm so fat that I can't breathe when I lay down because my own fat chokes me out. I have a sleep study set up to get on a CPAP so I can finally breathe and get some sleep. I'm so afraid to go to sleep sometimes because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I am afraid I'm going to die in my sleep.
Today I vow to not let this go on any longer. I WILL NOT die young, not from something that can be prevented. I owe it to myself, to my family, to my babies that died, to my future babies and to God to get healthy and live a life that glorifies Him.
I will need support, I will need help, I will need to be held accountable. I will stumble. I will fall. I will need a hand up now and then. But, I WILL do this. Come Hell or high water, I will lose this weight and I WILL live the life God has planned for me!
So, I have re-re-joined Weight Watchers, I've joined Spark People for their support forums, I am publicly asking for prayers and support from you my web-family. You can't get more accountable than that, can you?
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I just read your post and wanted you to know about FitnessPal.com. I have been using it since this past March and I find lots of support, motivation and accountability on it. You track your calories, fat, etc and even exercise by putting in what you weigh currently and what your goal is. If you decide to join, please let me know and we can become friends on it and support one another. This is a hard struggle...I have been overweight most of my life as well. You just need to take it day by day...it does get easier after the first couple of months because you can maintain your calories easier and your body gets use to just that much food. Good luck and I am here for ya.
ReplyDeleteCount me in your cheering section! It *is* a struggle - harder than most people realize ... but I hope that once you get going you will find it easier. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAndie
It IS tough, but it CAN be done! Weight Watchers ia great program, based on sensible eating habits -- I lost 35+ pounds on it over about 9 months, 20 years ago (although sadly after a few years of slacking off combined with pregnancy & infertility treatments, it crept back on). I find exercise the tough part. :p It does help to have a buddy who will go walking or to a gym with you. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteGo, Becca, go! Go Becca go!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!
You have to do it... I love you and I want you happy and healthy and feeling beautiful and HERE forever!
Have you heard of Eat Fat, Lose Fat by Sally Fallon?
ReplyDeleteCheering you on! You can do this, I know it :). Prayers headed your way, too...
Stopping in for ICLW. I very much identify with everything you said, I'm 31 and currently at about 320lbs - I never thought I would end up here. I'm currently highly debating getting a Lap Band in hopes that it will help push me onward towards losing weight.
ReplyDeleteWeight Watchers is a great program, I've used it off and on and probably had slightly more success with it then anything else.
For exercise I've found the Wii (Just Dance & Wii Fit) to be pretty amazing, I figure while it may not be running a marathon it's still better than sitting on the couch.
Best of luck on your journey - hopefully we will both be successful with our goals!!
Way to go! Your motivation is much more inspiring because of your weight, not despite it! Taking your journey public was a really smart decision!
ReplyDeleteCheck out this post: http://flintland.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-fat-girl.html
Then see if you like the Couch 2 5K idea (I just started).
Finally, try to retrain yourself to think of all the times that you tried before as times when you *succeeded* at dieting instead of failed. When a baby takes her first steps and falls down, we don't say "you failed at walking." Those were practice diets for this one and you will go further because of them. Even if you stop this time, don't feel bad. Just get up and try again and you WILL go further.
From ICLW
I haven't been as heavy as you, (but I have been WAY overweight for my height, which is very short) but I struggled with PCOS and asthma and that made it impossible to lose weight, and very difficult to get pregnant. The emotional rollercoasters certainly didn't help either.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some super inspirational story or suggestion. All I can say is, it does get better, but it takes time,and patience, and more patience.
Be kind to yourself, be willing to find joy every day, and focus on that instead of the stress or trials or difficulties. On my worst days I remind myself that 20 years from now I will be the person I choose to be, and that today I am making the choice for which direction I am heading.
I am cheering for you! I believe you can do anything that is important to you!!
(If you wanna join my contest this month, look for my June 1st post for all the rules.)
Julia
Just following up on your lovely comment and well wishes and reading through your last few posts. It's more than evident you have a beautiful, compassionate soul and I will definitely be in your support and prayer section as you focus in on this part of your life. I *know* you can do this! (I adore your posts, by the way!)
ReplyDeleteYou can totally do this Rebecca -- and count on us for support! I have faith in you!
ReplyDelete