June 19, 2012
How many times have I done this? How many times have I tried to lose weight, to get in shape, to be healthier? How many times have I started, failed, started, failed, started, failed and started again? Too many times to count. I'm sick of it. Something has to change. I have to change.
I realized the other day when I was taking yet another pain pill for my aching back and knees...WHY???
Why am I doing this to myself? I'm literally killing myself by eating junk and being a sedentary sloth. I hurt so bad from the pain in my knees and back that I literally can't stand for longer than five minutes, and walking? Forget it. It's ridiculous. I'm thirty eight years old, not eighty eight!!! Shoot, some eighty eight year olds are in better shape than I am right now. I cannot let this go on anymore. Not one single minute more.
Confession time (and this is hard enough to admit to myself, let alone put this out there on my blog and have everyone see it...please don't judge): I am thirty eight years old and I weigh 396 lbs. That's disgusting. I feel disgusting. I am miserable daily, and I feel ugly, gross, and unlovable on a daily basis. I am in pain all the time, I don't sleep well because I'm so fat that I can't breathe when I lay down because my own fat chokes me out. I have a sleep study set up to get on a CPAP so I can finally breathe and get some sleep. I'm so afraid to go to sleep sometimes because I'm afraid I won't wake up. I am afraid I'm going to die in my sleep.
Today I vow to not let this go on any longer. I WILL NOT die young, not from something that can be prevented. I owe it to myself, to my family, to my babies that died, to my future babies and to God to get healthy and live a life that glorifies Him.
I will need support, I will need help, I will need to be held accountable. I will stumble. I will fall. I will need a hand up now and then. But, I WILL do this. Come Hell or high water, I will lose this weight and I WILL live the life God has planned for me!
So, I have re-re-joined Weight Watchers, I've joined Spark People for their support forums, I am publicly asking for prayers and support from you my web-family. You can't get more accountable than that, can you?