Acceptance

It amazes me sometimes, how the human heart can grow to accept and embrace our life experiences, and how these experiences...or maybe the acceptance itself...can have such a profound power to change us.

I've only consciously known about my babies, their fleeting existence, and their silent passage from my life for a little over two months.

After having this time to process it all, I can honestly say I am at peace with what has happened. I don't know exactly when this peace came over me. I do know that it took a lot of prayer, tears, and long nights of God working His healing miracles within my heart to get here.

That does not mean I'm not sad. That doesn't mean I don't miss them. I am not by any means happy that I've lost my children. That's just absurd. I am happy...no, not happy. Glad? Maybe relieved is the word...to know that I actually was able to conceive. Apparently more than once. All this time, seven years, I believed that I had never conceived. That I truly was infertile. That we truly were incapable of creating a child. That we were destined to never become parents.

What is still hard for me to reconcile in my mind is that I will never know when they were conceived, what their due dates were, or when I lost them. I don't have those "anniversaries", no matter how morbid or sad some may think they are, to remember. To time-stamp. To mark down in my history. To say definitively "this is when I lost my first baby" or "today was my second baby's due date". I have approximate time frames in my mind when I believe these events occurred, but nothing concrete. I have nothing tangible from my pregnancies, from my lost babies. No positive pee-sticks, no ultrasound pictures, no cute little onesies or baby blankets, nothing. My children were here and gone before even I knew they existed; perfect tiny souls that slipped through me on their path to Heaven.

This not knowing, I've noticed, makes it hard for other people to fully accept my losses as valid or significant. There have been a few (albeit very few) people that have been wonderful in helping me to process all of this. Others, like they've done with the rest of my infertility, would like to gloss over it. Sweep it under the rug. Pretend it never happened. What they don't realize it that while my miscarriages might not have been recent, my grief still very much is. That I may still be hurting. That I may still cry when thinking or talking about my babies. That I need to talk about my babies. Even though my losses occurred what I believe was between four to six years ago, I JUST learned about them. I need and deserve acknowledgement and validation of my feelings just as much as someone who lost their baby six months, six weeks, or six days ago.

I have been changed by the knowledge of my pregnancies and the loss of my children. Not just emotionally, but fundamentally changed. I have been given a gift. That gift is the knowledge that I am a mother. I can hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life and know that I was able to do something that I had believed for seven years I was incapable of doing. The sad realization of all of this, of course, is that I will have to wait until I get to Heaven to see and hold my babies. Oh how I await that day...

"Sweet babies,

I never truly knew I was carrying you until you were long gone.
I never knew I lost you until now.
I never knew I could miss someone I never knew, that I never felt, that I never held.
But I do, my sweet babies. I do. So much.
I know one of you would have been about five, almost six, years old. The other about three, maybe four.
I think one of you is my precious little girl, and the other, my sweet baby boy.
You are my sweet shooting stars. You were here and gone before we ever knew, yet you have left your mark upon our lives. The path you traced through your fleeting journey from my body to heaven will forever be emblazoned on my heart and soul.
There are so many things I've missed. Holding you. Rocking you to sleep. Nursing you. Sleepless nights, dirty diapers, colic, first fevers and first smiles. First steps. First words. First birthdays and first days of school. Teaching you about the world and discovering the world anew through your eyes.  Watching you both grow from babies to toddlers to childhood. Watching your sweet personalities develop. Are you laid back like your daddy, or more anxious like me? Whose eyes do you have? What color is your hair? What would it feel like to hold your chubby little hands as you toddled up the aisle at church?
My sweet babies, my beautiful shooting stars, I will love you forever and miss you always.
Until we are reunited through God's everlasting grace, I will always be...

Your loving Mommy"

Wandering through the mists...

I feel like that's what I've been doing the past week or so. Since I found out my bloodwork results and had the D&C, I feel like I've been standing behind a curtain of mist watching these events. I'm sure it's my head attempting to protect my heart; funny how the mind works sometimes.

(FYI the D&C went fine, I'll post more on that later).

I've talked at length with my Mom and husband about the "probable miscarriage" issue. We all agree it explains a lot in retrospect. I had several episodes of severe pain and bleeding after failed cycles. These were the times I truly believed I was pregnant. I had a very very faint BFP on one cycle...but it couldn't be confirmed because I started my period (or so I thought) before I could get a beta drawn. I always thought that it was a false positive because I tested again the next day and it was negative. I must have caught it at the tail end of dropping. I had called my doctor during these episodes, but they told me not to be concerned about it, that if I was testing negative and bleeding it was probably "just a heavy period". I could kick myself for not listening to my gut more.

I don't know 100% for sure that I did miscarry. I don't know 100% sure that I didn't. Truly, as my mom and husband both said, only God knows the truth at this point.

I was afraid to tell my husband about the probability of these miscarriages because he always said that he didn't want to try anymore if we got pregnant and lost it. He didn't want us going through that. We talked about the blood clotting issues and MTHFR, and he even said that the episodes make a lot more sense given this new information. I didn't know how he would react, but he surprised me. He took it extremely well. He was sad, and he said he wishes that it wouldn't have happened, but that he's glad we found out several years after the fact instead of when it was happening. I don't know if I agree with that or not. It makes sense in a way, because being removed from it by several years, it doesn't have the strong emotional trauma of knowing while it's occurring. However...it also makes it harder in a way. It's almost like trying to get someone to believe in a repressed memory that only I can remember. Although, in all honesty, I don't care if anyone other than my inner circle of family and friends believes it. I wish in a way I had known at the time. I wish I had the opportunity to know I was pregnant. I wish I would have been allowed to mourn them. I wish others could have shared in my grief. I wish there was a way I could acknowledge and honor them without feeling like a fraud. I feel like since I was never "confirmed" to be pregnant, I'm not "allowed" to claim losses. I have to be honest, knowing it's possible that I've miscarried brings a sense of closure to the intense questioning and grief and sense of emptiness I've felt for seven years. Almost as if I've received validation through a simple quick blood test. The reason I've felt so broken, so lost, the reason I've felt such a huge hole in my heart is because I have lost my children. I've always said I miss my children, but that they just hadn't been conceived yet.

I know now that they were. They existed.

I miss my babies. I will always miss my babies.

However, I know that God is watching over them for me until I can meet them in Heaven.

More updates...

Wow, where do I begin?

Since I last posted, so much has happened. 

My D&C is still on for tomorrow (actually later today, since I'm posting this at 12:30 am!).  It's scheduled for 4:30 pm.  I'm a little less concerned about the actual procedure and more worried about what they will find when the tissue and everything is sent off to be biopsied. 

I received a call from the doctor on Sunday evening (yep, see how dedicated this new doc is?  Called me himself on a Sunday night!) telling me he wanted to discuss the results of my bloodwork.  He said it was "interesting, and explains a lot".  I was actually at work, so I called him right back, and was totally not expecting to hear what I heard.  Basically, my body is one giant baby killing machine. :(

The results of the RPL panel showed I'm positive for:
     ~Lupus Anticoagulant
     ~Anticardiolipin Syndrome
     ~Compound Heterozygous MTHFR mutation

Sounds fun, huh?

Not so much. 

The Lupus anticoagulant and anticardiolipin syndrome (from what I've read in the small amount of research I've been able to do since hearing the news) are the two most common Antiphospholipid Antibodies (APL's), basically blood clotting disorders that cause blood clots all through various places in the body and are a primary cause of miscarriages. 
The MTHFR mutation I'm gathering is a mutation of an enzyme that breaks down homocysteine, which is an amino acid.  Elevated homocysteine levels are associated with fetal neural tube defects, blood clots, strokes, and miscarriage.

He told me again that having gastric bypass is a must for me.  This news of the blood clotting issues, my weight, my blood pressure (it's been running high lately...go figure, all this stress!), and other factors, he's extremely concerned of heart attack or stroke.  I've been talking with my family and close friends, and everyone is supportive of the weight loss surgery.  I'm all for it.  However...things can never be easy for me.  I called my insurance company to see what the requirements were to get it covered and was told that gastric bypass was an "employer excluded" benefit.  My insurance itself covers it (after jumping through hoops and red tape of course), but my employer chose NOT to have that particular benefit on our policy.  So there is no way, no how, no sir, that they will pay for it.  I'm just devastated.  I cannot pay for it.  We cannot get a loan for it.  And now I'm told that because my employer chose not to have that benefit, my insurance won't cover it.  My doctor is adamant that this is a lifesaving issue.  I have no idea where to go from here. 

I also am in a very strange place regarding the pregnancy loss issue.  All this time, I've believed I've never been pregnant.  I've thought "maybe" a few times...but it's never been confirmed.  Now someone is telling me that due to my history and these bloodwork results that he's convinced that I've probably had at least one miscarriage, if not more.  I don't know where to go with that.  I don't know where I fit, you know?  I'm not definitively sure I've ever been pregnant.  I'm not definitively sure I've had a miscarriage, yet all the evidence is indicating that I probably have.  I'm in that weird space where nothing is concrete, yet everything weighs a ton.  I don't know how to process it all yet.  It's going to take some time, that's for sure. 

Please keep me in your prayers while I figure all this out.  I sincerely appreciate it.

Love,
Rebecca

Update and prayer request

Hello readers.  I am sorry for being MIA for so long again.  Time and life get away from me and I never seem to be able to find the time to blog anymore.  I do read your blogs, mostly from my iPhone, and commenting is a pain from that.  Please know I'm still following you and your journeys, and sending you support when you need it. 

But, today I'm here to ask for the support. 

I had a consultation today with a very prominent fertility specialist here in St. Louis today.  The consultation itself was fine, he is wonderful, and I feel it's a good fit for me there.  However there were several things that I was told that concern me.

First of all, during the exam he found "at least one" polyp in my uterus.  He can't tell if there are more because my lining was almost double the thickness it should be.  The maximum they like it to be is between 12-14mm.  Mine is almost 20mm.  So, I have to have a D&C to remove the lining and polyp(s).  It could be as soon as next Wednesday.  They only do the surgery on Wednesdays.  I should hear something in the next couple of days.

Second of all, he wants me to have weight loss surgery.  He said given my age, history, previous treatments and other personal factors, he believes IVF is our only option for children.  And that at my weight I'm not a candidate.  He usually gives weight loss drugs first, but I can't take them due to a previous adverse reaction.  So he recommends weight loss surgery.  Soon. 

He is also running a LOT of bloodwork.  PCOS, thyroid, ovarian reserve, recurrent pregnancy loss, and a bunch more. 

Yes, I said recurrent pregnancy loss. 

Given the previous fertility treatments we did, and my family history of infertility and pregnancy loss, he believes I might have actually had at least one very early miscarriage and not known it.  So he wants me tested for the RPL panel. 

I'm pretty numb right now. 

I'm scared.  Of the surgeries, and of everything else.

All I can do is leave it in God's hands and pray...and ask you to do the same for me. 

I'll update when I can.

Love,

Me