I usually don't use my blog in this manner, but I feel compelled to do so this time.
Many of you remember me posting about my friend from high school that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. We heard that it was not as bad as they originally thought, right?
Well, that is wrong. Turns out it is much WORSE than originally thought.
My friend is the sweetest person you'd ever dream of meeting. She is just one of those genuinely NICE people...and it breaks my heart to know she's going through this. She has already cut off her gorgeous long hair in preparation for the inevitable hair loss from chemo and donated it to Locks of Love.
Friday will be her first chemotherapy treatment. Due to the type of cancer she has (a particularly nasty aggressive high-chance-of-recurring-high-mortality-rate type), she will be undergoing extremely aggressive chemo, and then aggressive radiation following that. She is a school music teacher and runs a small music studio with her husband, and she has been informed that she has to quit working during chemo because of immunodeficiency. So, in addition to dealing with the emotional and physical ramifications of cancer, chemo and radiation, Mouse and her husband also have to deal with the loss of half of their income during this time. Add to this the medical bills that are already starting to pile up, and well...it just sucks. I heard that her husband was looking into selling their home in order to make ends meet.
A friend of theirs has set up a donation website (which I'm glad they did because I was going to organize one if someone didn't soon) to help Mouse and her husband with the staggering medical bills and daily living expenses so they can focus on her health. Click HERE to help. Even a gift of $5 helps.
If you feel moved to do so, please donate. If you do not, or cannot, I understand. Something as simple as saying prayers for them is a huge support.
Thank you!
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
November 6, 2012
March 19, 2011
Dyed in the wool
What happens when you mix several women obsessed with yarn and knitting, some packages of Kool-Aid, some acid dyes, turkey basters, many hanks of wool and a few pots of hot water?
A whole lot of fun at a yarn dyeing party, that's what!!!
A few weeks ago my best friend had some of the women from our knitting group over and taught us how to dye our own yarn. I was fascinated by the entire process.
Here's a sampling of pictures from the evening.
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| Preparing the bare wool for dyeing |
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| Vinegar soak for kool-aid dyeing |
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| My first attempt at "hand-painting" with kool-aid dyes |
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| My best friend Kelly demonstrating the acid dye method (isn't she cute! I. Love. Her.!) |
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| Rinsing and cooling the acid-dyed yarn |
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| My very own creation! Worsted weight superwash merino Acid dyed |
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| Another of my creations! Merino Wool fingering weight (sock yarn) Kool-aid dyed |
*The yarn is actually a bit darker than the pictures show, I have horrible lighting!
**Many thanks to my bestie for making those adorable ball-bands for my hand-dyed yarn!!! I love them!!!
***We all got to name our colorways we created that evening. Mine obviously are Sweet Peach Tea (because when I mixed the dye it looked just like peach flavored iced tea) and Mardi Gras (I didn't have yellow, otherwise it would have been official Mardi Gras colors, but I think it works well anyway!).
We all had such a wonderful time at the party. Not only was it an evening of learning something new about a shared hobby, we learned a lot of new things about each other. It was an evening of friendship and fellowship, of laughter and conversation, an evening of six women drawing closer together. I like to imagine the yarn we dyed serving as a heartstring, connecting each one of us to the other, through another, in an invisible weaving of interconnectedness. A tapestry woven not by hands, but by words, by affection, by the knowledge of each other. In this knowledge I am blessed.
And I thank God daily for the blessings of friendship He has bestowed. I am truly rich in what matters most.
Love,
May 19, 2010
Where I've been...
It's been a while since I've dusted off the ol' blog and written anything. Not for lack of wanting to...more for lack of having anything to say. Well, that's really not correct either. I, as usual, have a lot of things rattling around in this noggin of mine, but they seem to get lost somewhere between the formation of the thought in my brain and this screen. Sad, really, when you think about it. So many good thoughts deprived of their proper articulation and delivery into the universe. :)
I guess I could start with Project IF, and why I didn't submit a post. I believe in my heart that it's a beautiful and important project. I had all intentions of writing a post to submit. I just couldn't get it from there to here. It just wouldn't cooperate. I think a lot of it has to do with the real reason behind my blogger's block and my absence from the blogosphere lately. There are just times when I can't be here, mentally and emotionally. I know that everyone "gets it" and understands. It pisses me off at myself to a degree sometimes though. I have been reading blogs and commenting when I can, and I hope you all know that I am with you in my thoughts through all you are going through - the good the bad and the in-between. You are all in my prayers daily. There are just times when I have to step away. It's a double edged sword, because in stepping away to protect my own interests, I hurt or alienate others in the process. I don't mean to, I really don't. It's just that I have been wavering in my emotional dealing with IF in general, especially with the recent passing of Mother's Day (more on that in a little while), and what seems to be a growing number of bloggers succeeding in their quests to become pregnant...I'm feeling a little left behind. Please know that I'm happy for you, if you reading this are one of those bloggers. I am happy in the only way I can be...that certain kind of happiness that is always tempered with a little tinge of jealousy and "why her and not me?" questioning. For the most part I have been dealing OK with my own personal IF problems. I am still angry and saddened that we don't have the opportunities that many of you out there do. We are right now a one income family (me), and we simply can't afford treatments at this point. My insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments like some of yours does. I can't afford IVF like some of you can. I can't even afford a medicated (or non medicated for that matter) IUI cycle. I could probably afford to do Femara or Clomid, but what's the use of using them without monitoring, and I can't afford that. We can't afford to adopt (and our adoption through DFS has stalled, we're waiting to see if we can get in the foster/adopt class this fall). Please understand, I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and success...I'm not an evil person. There are just times when I feel so left behind and hopeless that I can't bear to read a pregnancy post or announcement. I'm 36 years old, and time is running short for the odds of us having a child...both conceiving and adopting. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and one that I choke on sometimes. It's so hard to have hope and not become totally mired down in the bog when the road ahead is so long...and has so many roadblocks thrown in the middle. That being said...God has begun to work His healing in my heart, and for that I am grateful. It's still a daily struggle though. I consciously have to ask God daily to help me deal with this. There are times the anger, jealousy, and hurt are more than I can bear. Some days hurt more than others. I am not angry/jealous/hurting 100% of every day anymore, which is good. But there are times when that old "knee jerk bitter infertile" reaction pops to the surface, surprising me and everyone around me by taking me from Rebecca to BITCH in 0.2 seconds. It sucks. These are the times I make myself focus on God and try to open my heart just a little more to accept His healing. Then there are the good days. The days when I can allow myself to enjoy life. I can laugh. I can dream about the possibility of the future baby that we hope will be ours someday. I can see children in public and look at them without my heart breaking. I can allow myself to wish, to hope, and pray that God's Will will soon be made manifest in our lives. That's why there are times that I can't submerse myself in all things infertility. I can't allow myself to get sucked down into that bog again. I was there for a long time, and through the Grace of God and the smack upside the head help of my best friend, I have been able to pull myself up enough to begin to breathe and live again. It sucks, because I believe it is my calling from God to be a helper in peoples' lives. I am here to serve others by helping them through what they need to be helped through. That's why I love my job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. I can, on a daily basis, touch someone's life even if it means just talking to them and giving them an outlet. I feel that way about my friends, both in real life and online. I want to help. I want to offer support and counsel. I want to be there at any time they need me. I hate that my own internal pain holds me back from performing what I feel are my "duties" as a friend. For that, I am sorry and I apologize to anyone who has felt I have not been there for them. I am working with God to both forgive myself for my own shortcomings and to rely on Him for the strength to put my own feelings aside and be a better servant to Him and others.
Mother's Day was both bitter and sweet for me this year. I, of course, had the requisite infertile's dread of the impending barrage of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes on those certain social networking sites. I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel the emptiness and pain for a while, and was very touched to have a lot of support from friends and family that day. But I was also honored by my husband and stepson and reminded by many people that mean the world to me that I am a good Mom. I might not be his "real" mom, but I am a good mom to him. I do all the things that a mom should do for their child, and I was touched that my husband and stepson took time to acknowledge that for me on Mother's Day. My husband even asked me (because he knows how the day affects me) if they could get me something because my stepson had asked if he could. Of course I said yes. What kind of evil person denys a 9 year old boy when he wants to get his stepmom a Mother's Day gift? LOL They bought me a beautiful card, a birdbath for my yard, and my stepson brought me a marigold plant they had grown from seeds in school. It was so sweet.
So, that's where and how I've been lately. I don't mean to make it sound like it's all been bad, because honestly, things haven't been. Nothing is ever always all lollipops and daisies, but God never promised us that anyway. He just promised it would be worth it in the end. And that's what keeps me going.
I guess I could start with Project IF, and why I didn't submit a post. I believe in my heart that it's a beautiful and important project. I had all intentions of writing a post to submit. I just couldn't get it from there to here. It just wouldn't cooperate. I think a lot of it has to do with the real reason behind my blogger's block and my absence from the blogosphere lately. There are just times when I can't be here, mentally and emotionally. I know that everyone "gets it" and understands. It pisses me off at myself to a degree sometimes though. I have been reading blogs and commenting when I can, and I hope you all know that I am with you in my thoughts through all you are going through - the good the bad and the in-between. You are all in my prayers daily. There are just times when I have to step away. It's a double edged sword, because in stepping away to protect my own interests, I hurt or alienate others in the process. I don't mean to, I really don't. It's just that I have been wavering in my emotional dealing with IF in general, especially with the recent passing of Mother's Day (more on that in a little while), and what seems to be a growing number of bloggers succeeding in their quests to become pregnant...I'm feeling a little left behind. Please know that I'm happy for you, if you reading this are one of those bloggers. I am happy in the only way I can be...that certain kind of happiness that is always tempered with a little tinge of jealousy and "why her and not me?" questioning. For the most part I have been dealing OK with my own personal IF problems. I am still angry and saddened that we don't have the opportunities that many of you out there do. We are right now a one income family (me), and we simply can't afford treatments at this point. My insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments like some of yours does. I can't afford IVF like some of you can. I can't even afford a medicated (or non medicated for that matter) IUI cycle. I could probably afford to do Femara or Clomid, but what's the use of using them without monitoring, and I can't afford that. We can't afford to adopt (and our adoption through DFS has stalled, we're waiting to see if we can get in the foster/adopt class this fall). Please understand, I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and success...I'm not an evil person. There are just times when I feel so left behind and hopeless that I can't bear to read a pregnancy post or announcement. I'm 36 years old, and time is running short for the odds of us having a child...both conceiving and adopting. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and one that I choke on sometimes. It's so hard to have hope and not become totally mired down in the bog when the road ahead is so long...and has so many roadblocks thrown in the middle. That being said...God has begun to work His healing in my heart, and for that I am grateful. It's still a daily struggle though. I consciously have to ask God daily to help me deal with this. There are times the anger, jealousy, and hurt are more than I can bear. Some days hurt more than others. I am not angry/jealous/hurting 100% of every day anymore, which is good. But there are times when that old "knee jerk bitter infertile" reaction pops to the surface, surprising me and everyone around me by taking me from Rebecca to BITCH in 0.2 seconds. It sucks. These are the times I make myself focus on God and try to open my heart just a little more to accept His healing. Then there are the good days. The days when I can allow myself to enjoy life. I can laugh. I can dream about the possibility of the future baby that we hope will be ours someday. I can see children in public and look at them without my heart breaking. I can allow myself to wish, to hope, and pray that God's Will will soon be made manifest in our lives. That's why there are times that I can't submerse myself in all things infertility. I can't allow myself to get sucked down into that bog again. I was there for a long time, and through the Grace of God and the smack upside the head help of my best friend, I have been able to pull myself up enough to begin to breathe and live again. It sucks, because I believe it is my calling from God to be a helper in peoples' lives. I am here to serve others by helping them through what they need to be helped through. That's why I love my job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. I can, on a daily basis, touch someone's life even if it means just talking to them and giving them an outlet. I feel that way about my friends, both in real life and online. I want to help. I want to offer support and counsel. I want to be there at any time they need me. I hate that my own internal pain holds me back from performing what I feel are my "duties" as a friend. For that, I am sorry and I apologize to anyone who has felt I have not been there for them. I am working with God to both forgive myself for my own shortcomings and to rely on Him for the strength to put my own feelings aside and be a better servant to Him and others.
Mother's Day was both bitter and sweet for me this year. I, of course, had the requisite infertile's dread of the impending barrage of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes on those certain social networking sites. I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel the emptiness and pain for a while, and was very touched to have a lot of support from friends and family that day. But I was also honored by my husband and stepson and reminded by many people that mean the world to me that I am a good Mom. I might not be his "real" mom, but I am a good mom to him. I do all the things that a mom should do for their child, and I was touched that my husband and stepson took time to acknowledge that for me on Mother's Day. My husband even asked me (because he knows how the day affects me) if they could get me something because my stepson had asked if he could. Of course I said yes. What kind of evil person denys a 9 year old boy when he wants to get his stepmom a Mother's Day gift? LOL They bought me a beautiful card, a birdbath for my yard, and my stepson brought me a marigold plant they had grown from seeds in school. It was so sweet.
So, that's where and how I've been lately. I don't mean to make it sound like it's all been bad, because honestly, things haven't been. Nothing is ever always all lollipops and daisies, but God never promised us that anyway. He just promised it would be worth it in the end. And that's what keeps me going.
April 1, 2010
A few steps down the path...
There has been so much going on around here lately for us. Some of it has been good, some challenging, but all of it has been a learning experience. Through the past few weeks I've learned more about myself, grown in my faith in God, and learned so much about the people I am blessed to call my family and friends.
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
January 16, 2010
Challenging myself...
Kristin from Dragondreamer’s Lair is hosting the Annual Book Challenge. Since I read all the time anyway, why not challenge myself to see just how many books I can devour in one year? I usually average one to two a month, depending on the book length, content or subject matter, and my availability of reading time. So this year I am challenging myself to up it a bit (and maybe reap the added benefit of a little less mindless time in front of the TV…although, TV time is my knitting time, so this might be tough considering the amount of projects I have lined up!). My goal is 3 books a month, or a total of 36 books read in 2010. I have one (and a half) down already. You can check the “My Reading List” page for what I’m currently reading and have lined up to read.
In knitty news, a few weeks ago my bestest friend and I had a girls’ day out trip to a local yarn store. We had such a great time! She bought some gorgeous yarn for a sweater project, and I bought some beautiful sock yarn. I am deliriously in love with the colorway of this yarn.
It reminds me of twilight on a spring evening…cool, calm and a little mysterious.
I also bought my first 100% wool yarn. (I'm usually a cheapskate frugal, and use less expensive, mostly acrylic or "blend" yarn. I felt might hoity toity purchasing these fibers, let me tell ya!) I plan to use it for my first felted project, a Booga Bag. I have to admit, I honestly believe this has to be the UGLIEST yarn I have ever laid eyes on.
However, I just had to have it in spite of (or because of?) the sheer hideousness of it. The picture isn't true to life, but it's orange/muddy green/brighter green/red. Blech! I think it will knit up beautifully and give a gorgeous stripe. The socks and bag will have to wait for a little bit because I still have several projects STILL on the needles. In addition to the baby gifts I’m furiously trying to finish before my friend’s twin boys get here, I have a scarf for my sister (that was supposed to be part of her Christmas gift, but since she does live in Minnesota, no worries…there will be winterlike weather there for quite a while!), a knitted skullcap for my sweet husband, and my Renaissance Sweater. I have a feeling I am going to have to redo a couple of the panels because I think I wasn’t following the right section of the pattern. OOPS. Bummer. Oh well, everything is a learning experience, right? My knitting challenge for this year is to make more things for ME. I love knitting for other people, don't get me wrong! I love the feeling I get knowing that I created something one-of-a-kind for someone. However, most of my "other people" projects have been baby gifts, and sometimes it's just too darn hard for me to keep knitting baby sweater after baby sweater and baby blanket after baby blanket for everyone else but myself. So...I'm taking a step back from consistently knitting for others and taking some time to knit for myself this year. I have lots of projects lined up, and I'll share them as I start each one. :)
Another task I’m challenging myself with this year (and a significant portion of The Year of Self) is to read the Bible cover to cover. My bestest friend (who has also become sort of a “faith mentor” to me as of late) is participating in the Bible in 90 Days challenge. I’m doing a “modified” version of that. I am not setting a daily page quota, rather trying to make a conscious effort to make reading my Bible at least 30 minutes a day before any other leisure activity (including knitting…egads!). I’ve missed a couple of days just due to things going on around here, and I really find that I miss that quiet time. I’m still in Genesis, of course, but making progress. The Bible I use also has a guided topic reading track that I’m also using during my readings. I must admit, I’m surprised at how much comfort my going back to church and taking steps to reconstruct my relationship with and faith in God has brought me. I still have many, many questions and stumbling blocks to overcome, but I’m getting there. One step at a time. I’m trying to institute a routine of daily prayer time, learning how to pray*, and trying to understand and embrace the concept of “God’s Will” and submitting (the mere mention of the word raises my feminist hackles, I can’t help it) to Him while still believing I have free will. My conversations with my bestest have not only shed a different light on my view of religion, but also opened up a whole new dimension to our friendship. I cannot describe how that makes me feel. We’ve been through a lot in our friendship, and for a while I honestly didn’t know that this level of connection between us was even possible. God has been working in mysterious ways, as the old saying goes, in my life recently. And I thank Him every day for it. Now if only He could grant me a few more hours in each day to accomplish all this reading, learning and knitting …THAT would be great! Have a great night everyone!
*How do you pray? Do you have a standard prayer that you use each time you pray? Do you have an “outline” you follow when praying or do you simply speak to God about what is on your heart as you would a friend? Is there, in your opinion, a right or wrong way to pray? Would you mind sharing some examples with me?
In knitty news, a few weeks ago my bestest friend and I had a girls’ day out trip to a local yarn store. We had such a great time! She bought some gorgeous yarn for a sweater project, and I bought some beautiful sock yarn. I am deliriously in love with the colorway of this yarn.
It reminds me of twilight on a spring evening…cool, calm and a little mysterious.
I also bought my first 100% wool yarn. (I'm usually a cheapskate frugal, and use less expensive, mostly acrylic or "blend" yarn. I felt might hoity toity purchasing these fibers, let me tell ya!) I plan to use it for my first felted project, a Booga Bag. I have to admit, I honestly believe this has to be the UGLIEST yarn I have ever laid eyes on.
However, I just had to have it in spite of (or because of?) the sheer hideousness of it. The picture isn't true to life, but it's orange/muddy green/brighter green/red. Blech! I think it will knit up beautifully and give a gorgeous stripe. The socks and bag will have to wait for a little bit because I still have several projects STILL on the needles. In addition to the baby gifts I’m furiously trying to finish before my friend’s twin boys get here, I have a scarf for my sister (that was supposed to be part of her Christmas gift, but since she does live in Minnesota, no worries…there will be winterlike weather there for quite a while!), a knitted skullcap for my sweet husband, and my Renaissance Sweater. I have a feeling I am going to have to redo a couple of the panels because I think I wasn’t following the right section of the pattern. OOPS. Bummer. Oh well, everything is a learning experience, right? My knitting challenge for this year is to make more things for ME. I love knitting for other people, don't get me wrong! I love the feeling I get knowing that I created something one-of-a-kind for someone. However, most of my "other people" projects have been baby gifts, and sometimes it's just too darn hard for me to keep knitting baby sweater after baby sweater and baby blanket after baby blanket for everyone else but myself. So...I'm taking a step back from consistently knitting for others and taking some time to knit for myself this year. I have lots of projects lined up, and I'll share them as I start each one. :)
Another task I’m challenging myself with this year (and a significant portion of The Year of Self) is to read the Bible cover to cover. My bestest friend (who has also become sort of a “faith mentor” to me as of late) is participating in the Bible in 90 Days challenge. I’m doing a “modified” version of that. I am not setting a daily page quota, rather trying to make a conscious effort to make reading my Bible at least 30 minutes a day before any other leisure activity (including knitting…egads!). I’ve missed a couple of days just due to things going on around here, and I really find that I miss that quiet time. I’m still in Genesis, of course, but making progress. The Bible I use also has a guided topic reading track that I’m also using during my readings. I must admit, I’m surprised at how much comfort my going back to church and taking steps to reconstruct my relationship with and faith in God has brought me. I still have many, many questions and stumbling blocks to overcome, but I’m getting there. One step at a time. I’m trying to institute a routine of daily prayer time, learning how to pray*, and trying to understand and embrace the concept of “God’s Will” and submitting (the mere mention of the word raises my feminist hackles, I can’t help it) to Him while still believing I have free will. My conversations with my bestest have not only shed a different light on my view of religion, but also opened up a whole new dimension to our friendship. I cannot describe how that makes me feel. We’ve been through a lot in our friendship, and for a while I honestly didn’t know that this level of connection between us was even possible. God has been working in mysterious ways, as the old saying goes, in my life recently. And I thank Him every day for it. Now if only He could grant me a few more hours in each day to accomplish all this reading, learning and knitting …THAT would be great! Have a great night everyone!
*How do you pray? Do you have a standard prayer that you use each time you pray? Do you have an “outline” you follow when praying or do you simply speak to God about what is on your heart as you would a friend? Is there, in your opinion, a right or wrong way to pray? Would you mind sharing some examples with me?
January 4, 2010
Come out, come out, whoever you are!
My first stop on the blog trail this morning was Mel's place, where I quickly learned it was Delurking Week! How fun!!! An entire week dedicated to simply stepping out from behind the screen and saying "Hey there, I'm reading you".
In the spirit of delurking, I hope that anyone that is reading this silly old thing will pipe up and say howdy! Feel free to tell me about yourself and how you found my blog. Or if you're the shy sort, just a simple "Hi, I'm with you" will do.
And in the spirit of conversation, I'm opening up the Q and A for delurking week. I'm an open book, so if there is anything you've ever wanted to know, now is the time to ask. Just leave your question in the comments section and I will collect them and answer them in a post later this week. I have several posts floating around my noggin right now, so stay tuned a week of wordiness! :)
I hope everyone is having a fantastic week!
December 25, 2009
Come join me for the journey...
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend."
Welcome to my new blog.
This is the third in my blogging journey.
I can’t pinpoint why I felt like making a new blog, I just got a wild hair the other day and thought it would be a good thing. I feel like my entire life is on the cusp of change, and changing blogs simply felt right. Like a movement forward.
As the title implies, my whole life feels like it’s been a long and winding road, leading me somewhere…I’m not exactly sure where yet. Because I’m not there, I know I’m not. Oh, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now…but where it all ends up…that’s yet to be seen.
I’ll be talking about a lot of different things in this blog…infertility, my crazy obsession with books, knitting, daily life, depression, anxiety, marriage, faith, and honestly whatever strikes my fancy. I sometimes feel like I compartmentalized these things in my other blogs, and this will be an attempt to integrate all of these facets of my life into one blog…hopefully working through some of the issues and integrating them all into a healthier me.
So grab a chair and a cup of your favorite hot beverage, put your feet up and read along as I traverse this adventure called life and walk the long and winding road to wherever it is we’re going.
Enjoy!
Welcome to my new blog.
This is the third in my blogging journey.
I can’t pinpoint why I felt like making a new blog, I just got a wild hair the other day and thought it would be a good thing. I feel like my entire life is on the cusp of change, and changing blogs simply felt right. Like a movement forward.
As the title implies, my whole life feels like it’s been a long and winding road, leading me somewhere…I’m not exactly sure where yet. Because I’m not there, I know I’m not. Oh, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now…but where it all ends up…that’s yet to be seen.
I’ll be talking about a lot of different things in this blog…infertility, my crazy obsession with books, knitting, daily life, depression, anxiety, marriage, faith, and honestly whatever strikes my fancy. I sometimes feel like I compartmentalized these things in my other blogs, and this will be an attempt to integrate all of these facets of my life into one blog…hopefully working through some of the issues and integrating them all into a healthier me.
So grab a chair and a cup of your favorite hot beverage, put your feet up and read along as I traverse this adventure called life and walk the long and winding road to wherever it is we’re going.
Enjoy!
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