Right Now I'm...
Reading: The Fiery Cross (Outlander Series, #5) by Diana Gabaldon. Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. Captivating: Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge. Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young.
Just finished re-reading The Shack by William Paul Young and waiting to see the movie with my Mom.
Watching: Just watched the series finale of Bones the other night. I was seriously bummed when I heard this was the final season. I've loved Bones since the first episode, and loved the books the series was based on as well. Getting ready to cue up last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy...although, after the heartwrenching episode last week I'm not sure if I should or not! (Major Daddy dying triggers in the last episode.) Have you seen This Is Us? If you haven't, you're seriously missing out! I think it's the most real show I've seen in forever. There was not a single episode that didn't touch me in some way, shape, or form. There were definitely a lot of emotional triggers in the whole season, but in a weird way, each episode helped me deal with "something". Just watch it. Seriously.
Following: Daniel Euan Henderson on YouTube. I think I stumbled upon a video of his on Facebook one time and I've been a fan ever since. He's an adorable Scottish guy who does these short "motivational" videos. He's a riot! He also has some serious videos about depression, anxiety, and overcoming your own obstacles. And his accent! Just go watch him!
Eating: A lot healthier! That will be a series of posts in an of itself, but suffice it to say I've been improving my eating habits in order to heal some chronic health issues I've been dealing with. All in all, it's going pretty well. More on that later!
Wearing: Sweatpants, a t-shirt, and warm fuzzy socks. I'm on vacation, I can wear what I want!
Recuperating: Mentally and emotionally, still from Daddy's death. I have years' worth of writing to do on that topic, trust me. I will eventually get around to putting all my feelings into words here. I just need a bit of time. Physically, my back and knee are getting a tad bit better, mainly from my better eating, more activity, and some good pain pills (finally!).
Wondering: How many readers I have and what I'll post next...
Looking Forward: To the next TWELVE days of vacation time!!!
Enjoying: Not having to go to work for the next twelve days! hahaha
Planning: Lots of work around the house for the next twelve days of vacation. My mom and I will be getting some things organized, pictures hung (finally...we've only lived here two and a half years already and don't have a damn thing hung up!), the garden started, flowerbeds and memory garden built...so many things I'm tired just thinking about it!
I stole this little meme from my friend to get me back in the groove of blogging again.
Thanks for reading!
Have a great Friday night!
Rebecca
Showing posts with label catching up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label catching up. Show all posts
April 7, 2017
November 5, 2013
Want some cheese with that "whine"?
No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...it just feels like that some days!
I'm fighting my way back from a hellacious bout of bronchitis and pneumonia...it's been hanging on for almost three weeks now. To say it's been "hard" or "exhausting" is an understatement. I was out of work for almost two weeks (so long I ran out of sick time...no sick time = no pay! I was already over $400 short on my paycheck as it was from missing work so there was no way we could survive if I missed more). I'm slowly...and I do mean slowly...recovering. I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally, from all of this. I'm used to getting knocked down by colds and flu, but I can usually overcome them pretty quick. This has knocked me on my ass, backed up, ran over me, backed up again and parked it's nasty self directly in my lungs. And on top of the sinus infection/bronchitis/pneumonia, my doctor diagnosed me with asthma as well. She actually believes that is the underlying cause of why this hit me so hard. She thinks I've probably had it for a while, a few years at least, but since I haven't ever really complained of any major symptoms (other than a lot of wheezing during exertion or when I'm sick), we never diagnosed it. She's pretty sure that since my lungs are already compromised from the asthma, it was a perfect storm for this crap to attack me so hard. I've done two rounds of antibiotics, two rounds of steroids (AKA crazyinabottle) more DayQuil and NyQuil than any person's liver and kidneys should have to metabolize in a lifetime, and was sent home with my own handy dandy little nebulizer for breathing treatments 4x a day. It's been 19 days and I'm STILL worn out and have to be careful not to overdo it otherwise I end up wheezing and huffing and puffing like a crazy person. I have I think 4 or 5 days left on the breathing treatments, then I'll meet with my doctor to set up a long-term plan for the asthma diagnosis.
I've really tried hard not to complain while I've been sick, but it's been so hard. I just want to feel better. I want to BREATHE! I want to be able to walk from the couch to the bathroom without having to take a hit off the inhaler because the exertion is causing my lungs to spasm. I am so bone tired, and so very tired of BEING tired. I live with chronic pain due to my back (which ironically hasn't hurt a lick since I've been on steroids!), but this is a totally different kind of incapacitated. I feel like people think I'm "milking" this illness...that I "should" be better by now. So I feel guilty when I keep saying I'm still worn out, having trouble breathing, and generally still sick. It has done NOTHING to help the anxiety and depression I deal with on a daily basis anyway. I've had a few really bad days, sitting on the couch in tears because I'm so depressed that I just want to FEEL BETTER!!! Don't get me wrong, there has been minor improvement. I can finally breathe through my nose again. I can wear my CPAP so I can sleep again. (I went about 4 or 5 days in the beginning when I didn't sleep at all because I had so much trouble breathing. Those were fun days I tell ya.) But I'm still just so damn worn out. And I'm sick of being sick. And my husband got sick too...of course. So, you know who got to take care of him while I was still sick, which didn't make me feel any better at all!
Hopefully within the next week or so this will all be a thing of the past and I can move on with getting the asthma under control and back on track to my FABULOUS BY FORTY plan and training for the Chance to Hope 5K...which sadly has gone nowhere lately. :(
That's about all for now...just a quick catch up and hello. I'm hoping to get back in the swing of this blogging thing...I've missed it, but still sometimes feel it's kind of pointless because I really have nothing of interest to say.
Hope whoever's reading is doing well!
October 18, 2012
The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)
Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here. Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good! (I'm not saying this too loud...)
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
WE ARE ADOPTING!!!
No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.
We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.
I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third. I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information. (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do? I have serious telephone anxiety. I HATE talking on the phone. You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living. My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way. We don't even call each other. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years. However, we text, email and tweet all day long! But the phone? Nah.)
One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching). We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January. That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.
To say we're excited is an extreme understatement. It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days. Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year. I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy! (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)
I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through. Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.
We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.
I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.
Hope everyone is having a great week!
Love,
Rebecca
October 9, 2012
Where I've been, and then some...
It's been so long since I've posted, I don't even know where to begin. So, here's the past couple of months in brief. All of these items are worthy of posts of their own, and will be eventually revisited, I just don't have the energy right now. It's been a long few months.
~Matt graduated! YAY!
~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well! YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)
~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free". YAY YAY YAY!!!
~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost. To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it). I miss my babies so damn much.
~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it. I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds. One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo. To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen. We were pregnant. Then we weren't. I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics. Nothing. Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me. Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done. It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me. I don't expect people to understand.
~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures. I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her. She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend. She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it. Please pray for her and her family.
~My 20 year high school reunion was this year. I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!
~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December. She is due on Christmas Day! YAY!!! Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her. How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!
~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well. Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar. It hasn't. During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream. They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation. To say we are all gutted is an understatement. She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind. Please also pray for her and her family.
~It's FALL!!! HUGE YAY!!!
~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman. I am so excited for them! Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!
~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble. I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!
~Matt graduated! YAY!
~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well! YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)
~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free". YAY YAY YAY!!!
~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost. To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it). I miss my babies so damn much.
~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it. I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds. One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo. To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen. We were pregnant. Then we weren't. I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics. Nothing. Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me. Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done. It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me. I don't expect people to understand.
~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures. I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her. She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend. She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it. Please pray for her and her family.
~My 20 year high school reunion was this year. I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!
~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December. She is due on Christmas Day! YAY!!! Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her. How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!
~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well. Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar. It hasn't. During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream. They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation. To say we are all gutted is an understatement. She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind. Please also pray for her and her family.
~It's FALL!!! HUGE YAY!!!
~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman. I am so excited for them! Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!
~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble. I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!
May 1, 2012
Drive-by...
Just a quickie to let you all know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Life has been, as life always is, incredibly hectic!
Just a few highlights...
~We've moved. That's a blog post or twelve in and of itself. Let me just reiterate how much I despise the physical and mental/emotional process and act of moving. It blows. But, we're all moved in and slowly but surely getting everything settled. Bonus: I now have an 8 minute commute to work and a less than 10 minute drive to my parents' home.
~My Grandmother's health is continuing to decline due to Alzheimer's. It sucks, and I'm not sure exactly where we stand with it all.
~Please pray for someone very near and dear to me. I can't give information (mutual friends read this blog, and the story isn't mine to tell). God knows what the prayer need is, so please pray for my friend.
~If you can spare them, I could use a few prayers as well. I'm going through a rough patch personally and could use some guidance and clarity.
I will come back in the next few days to elaborate on things, but I just wanted to touch base and let y'all know I am still here!
Love and hugs to all!
July 15, 2011
A Few Good Days...
Hey all!
Been a while again, hasn't it?
Yeah, sorry about that. Life's been crazy around here lately...
But it's also been good.
I had a couple of big days this week...
Yesterday I spent most of the day shuttling between doctor's appointments. My back has still been giving me trouble, and yesterday it dawned on me that it's been almost a YEAR that I've been dealing with this crap. It was mid August I believe that it started last year, after I tweaked it when we moved into our apartment. I've been going on and off to a chiropractor, who says I have an "easily movable pelvis" which is rotated and tilted. We worked on getting it readjusted, which would help for a while, only to have the pain come back worse every time. So I finally went to my regular MD about it. She thought it could possibly be arthritis (which she still thinks it is) and put me on a series of several different muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory pills, pain pills and ice/heat regimens. Nothing helped ease the pain for more than a day at most. I finally had enough. Yesterday she finally agreed with me that the pills were not helping (really?) and gave me a cortisone shot. In my back. In my SI (sacroiliac) joint. One might think that it would have been extremely painful, but surprisingly, it wasn't. It hurt a little, but not as much as everyone was building it up to be. I am SO thankful for this shot! Amazingly, it took hold and started working by late last night. Today was even better. So much so that for the first time in nearly a year I was able to be up moving around for more than 5 minutes at a time!!! You have no idea how big of a deal this is. My pain had gotten so bad that walking from my front door to the car (all of about 250 feet at the most) would have me doubled over in pain. Standing for any length of time (to cook dinner, standing in line at a movie, in a checkout line at the store) was sheer misery. This wasn't just "oh, my back hurts" type of pain. This was double me over, drop me to my knees, sweating and out of breath, please take the machete out of my lower back type of pain. I had gotten to the point of nearly being immobile. But I pushed through each day out of stubborn frustration. I cried daily because the pain was so bad, because I was tired of feeling like a fat lump of uselessness, because I felt that nothing was ever going to help. People just don't realize how seriously a person can be affected mentally and emotionally by severe chronic pain. I've had moments in this past year that I don't even want to admit to. Moments when I just wanted the pain to stop any way I could get it to. The biggest frustration for me is that I know that my weight does not in anyway help my back problems. They're not the entire cause, but they certainly don't help. I know that I have to lose weight. I WANT to lose weight. I want to be active and not just sit at home like a bump on a log every day. I need to lose weight in order for us to TTC again, because at this weight it is impossible. I have every intention and desire to get back to an exercise program, but my back pain simply wasn't letting me. Everyone kept telling me, "Just push through it. Work through the pain." Well, when it drops you to your knees and takes your breath away, it's pretty impossible to "work through it". It's a vicious cycle. I'm in pain partially because of my weight, I need to move to lose weight, moving is nearly impossible because of the pain, but I'm in pain partially because of my weight... I felt so hopeless. Useless. Worthless. But, as of today I'm doing pretty well. I was able to go grocery shopping for the first time in months without being in pain by the time I walked into the store. I was getting sore by the time I was hitting the checkout line, but for me, that's amazing!
I felt so good that I actually went over to our storage shed and went through some of my books and took them to a local used book store! Yes, ME. I parted with some of my precious books! I think I was still high from the shot, if you want to know the truth! LOL Nah, these were books that I knew I wasn't going to read again, ever. They took the majority of them (I had taken 4 reusable shopping bags packed FULL, and I only had 1/2 a bag to take back), and I wound up getting $78 in store credit!!! WOOHOO!!! I bought 3 "new to me" books and my husband bought one, and we still have almost $65 credit left. They have a lot of books my husband was interested in, so he will be going back to pick some out soon. The only thing that bothered me about the whole thing was the condition of some of these books. It almost made me cry. One thing anyone knows about me is how OCD I am about my books. I take insanely good care of my books. I always have. Books are treasures to me. I don't dog-ear the pages, I am very gentle with them so the covers always stay in good shape, and for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus I cannot fathom breaking the spine!!! I nearly cried when I saw shelf after shelf after shelf of spines so broken you could barely even tell what the name of the book was anymore. Such a tragedy. I know that most people don't treat their books like I do, but it almost seems a bit disrespectful. I think it comes from the way I was raised. We never had a lot of money, but books were one thing that my parents always made sure we had. Reading was a family affair for us. We used the library a lot, but when we were able to purchase new books, it was a treat. We (my sister and I) were always well aware that my parents worked hard and sacrificed much to give us the few "extras" they were able to provide for us. So we learned from an early age to appreciate our belongings. And the value of hard work. Which is why I get so frustrated when I see books not taken care of. Someone worked hard to write that book...what would they think if they saw it all beat up and damaged? Oy. I guess you could say I'm a little too emotionally invested in my books, eh?
Matt and I also had a couple of really good discussions these past couple of days. The kind that afterwards left me with a smile on my face AND in my heart. But we'll talk about those another day.
Love,
Rebecca
~"...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:14-16
Been a while again, hasn't it?
Yeah, sorry about that. Life's been crazy around here lately...
But it's also been good.
I had a couple of big days this week...
Yesterday I spent most of the day shuttling between doctor's appointments. My back has still been giving me trouble, and yesterday it dawned on me that it's been almost a YEAR that I've been dealing with this crap. It was mid August I believe that it started last year, after I tweaked it when we moved into our apartment. I've been going on and off to a chiropractor, who says I have an "easily movable pelvis" which is rotated and tilted. We worked on getting it readjusted, which would help for a while, only to have the pain come back worse every time. So I finally went to my regular MD about it. She thought it could possibly be arthritis (which she still thinks it is) and put me on a series of several different muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory pills, pain pills and ice/heat regimens. Nothing helped ease the pain for more than a day at most. I finally had enough. Yesterday she finally agreed with me that the pills were not helping (really?) and gave me a cortisone shot. In my back. In my SI (sacroiliac) joint. One might think that it would have been extremely painful, but surprisingly, it wasn't. It hurt a little, but not as much as everyone was building it up to be. I am SO thankful for this shot! Amazingly, it took hold and started working by late last night. Today was even better. So much so that for the first time in nearly a year I was able to be up moving around for more than 5 minutes at a time!!! You have no idea how big of a deal this is. My pain had gotten so bad that walking from my front door to the car (all of about 250 feet at the most) would have me doubled over in pain. Standing for any length of time (to cook dinner, standing in line at a movie, in a checkout line at the store) was sheer misery. This wasn't just "oh, my back hurts" type of pain. This was double me over, drop me to my knees, sweating and out of breath, please take the machete out of my lower back type of pain. I had gotten to the point of nearly being immobile. But I pushed through each day out of stubborn frustration. I cried daily because the pain was so bad, because I was tired of feeling like a fat lump of uselessness, because I felt that nothing was ever going to help. People just don't realize how seriously a person can be affected mentally and emotionally by severe chronic pain. I've had moments in this past year that I don't even want to admit to. Moments when I just wanted the pain to stop any way I could get it to. The biggest frustration for me is that I know that my weight does not in anyway help my back problems. They're not the entire cause, but they certainly don't help. I know that I have to lose weight. I WANT to lose weight. I want to be active and not just sit at home like a bump on a log every day. I need to lose weight in order for us to TTC again, because at this weight it is impossible. I have every intention and desire to get back to an exercise program, but my back pain simply wasn't letting me. Everyone kept telling me, "Just push through it. Work through the pain." Well, when it drops you to your knees and takes your breath away, it's pretty impossible to "work through it". It's a vicious cycle. I'm in pain partially because of my weight, I need to move to lose weight, moving is nearly impossible because of the pain, but I'm in pain partially because of my weight... I felt so hopeless. Useless. Worthless. But, as of today I'm doing pretty well. I was able to go grocery shopping for the first time in months without being in pain by the time I walked into the store. I was getting sore by the time I was hitting the checkout line, but for me, that's amazing!
I felt so good that I actually went over to our storage shed and went through some of my books and took them to a local used book store! Yes, ME. I parted with some of my precious books! I think I was still high from the shot, if you want to know the truth! LOL Nah, these were books that I knew I wasn't going to read again, ever. They took the majority of them (I had taken 4 reusable shopping bags packed FULL, and I only had 1/2 a bag to take back), and I wound up getting $78 in store credit!!! WOOHOO!!! I bought 3 "new to me" books and my husband bought one, and we still have almost $65 credit left. They have a lot of books my husband was interested in, so he will be going back to pick some out soon. The only thing that bothered me about the whole thing was the condition of some of these books. It almost made me cry. One thing anyone knows about me is how OCD I am about my books. I take insanely good care of my books. I always have. Books are treasures to me. I don't dog-ear the pages, I am very gentle with them so the covers always stay in good shape, and for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus I cannot fathom breaking the spine!!! I nearly cried when I saw shelf after shelf after shelf of spines so broken you could barely even tell what the name of the book was anymore. Such a tragedy. I know that most people don't treat their books like I do, but it almost seems a bit disrespectful. I think it comes from the way I was raised. We never had a lot of money, but books were one thing that my parents always made sure we had. Reading was a family affair for us. We used the library a lot, but when we were able to purchase new books, it was a treat. We (my sister and I) were always well aware that my parents worked hard and sacrificed much to give us the few "extras" they were able to provide for us. So we learned from an early age to appreciate our belongings. And the value of hard work. Which is why I get so frustrated when I see books not taken care of. Someone worked hard to write that book...what would they think if they saw it all beat up and damaged? Oy. I guess you could say I'm a little too emotionally invested in my books, eh?
Matt and I also had a couple of really good discussions these past couple of days. The kind that afterwards left me with a smile on my face AND in my heart. But we'll talk about those another day.
Love,
Rebecca
~"...choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:14-16
June 2, 2011
she returns...
I feel like I should be kneeling behind a dark screen in a confessional...
"Forgive me blogland, it's been a month since my last posting..."
It's not that I've meant to be away this long...it's just that, well...I don't know. I've sat here at my laptop everyday for the past month, opened up a new post, and stared at the screen dumbfounded and empty-headed as if I had suddenly forgotten what the heck this contraption was. It's not a good feeling. I've felt so disconnected from everything and everyone. I've tried to keep up with everyone's blogs, but sadly that has suffered too. It's not been an intentional "blogging break" like I've taken before. I've fully intended to write about what's been going on around here...just every time I do I go deaf, mute, and dumb.
So here's the last month in review:
~ I started making beaded bracelets and knitting stitch markers.
~ I opened an Etsy store for said jewelry (in the hopes of helping to fund our next cycle of fertility treatments or adoption, whichever comes first). There's a sampling of my items up top under my header...take a peek and spread the word.
~ I celebrated my SIX MONTH anniversary of quitting smoking!!!
~The hubby and I had our 7 year anniversary of our first date. Awwww.
~ My husband was accepted into Sanford Brown College (a private vocational school). You might remember he's been monkeying around with a different college for four years now and we finally had enough of that (long story) and he applied and was accepted into their Polysomnography (sleep study technologist) program. His classes begin August 8th. We had to do some creative financing (read: borrow a shitload of money) but he's in. In 50 weeks he should be done. DONE. Out. In the JOB MARKET!!! One more year of living paycheck to paycheck on one income...hopefully! Keep us in your prayers please during this year!!!
~ Beginning next Wednesday my best friend and I, along with a group of several other women will begin a Bible in 90 Days program. We will be reading through the ENTIRE Bible in...you guessed it...90 days! She participated in this program last year and said it was awesome. I've struggled through reading the Bible this past year, and I'm still only in Isaiah. I'm hoping this will be a positive experience for me to truly delve into God's Word with a group of other faithful women. It should be interesting!
So...
That's about it. Kinda boring, huh?
I hope to have something more to say soon...
Love,
Rebecca
"Forgive me blogland, it's been a month since my last posting..."
It's not that I've meant to be away this long...it's just that, well...I don't know. I've sat here at my laptop everyday for the past month, opened up a new post, and stared at the screen dumbfounded and empty-headed as if I had suddenly forgotten what the heck this contraption was. It's not a good feeling. I've felt so disconnected from everything and everyone. I've tried to keep up with everyone's blogs, but sadly that has suffered too. It's not been an intentional "blogging break" like I've taken before. I've fully intended to write about what's been going on around here...just every time I do I go deaf, mute, and dumb.
So here's the last month in review:
~ I started making beaded bracelets and knitting stitch markers.
~ I opened an Etsy store for said jewelry (in the hopes of helping to fund our next cycle of fertility treatments or adoption, whichever comes first). There's a sampling of my items up top under my header...take a peek and spread the word.
~ I celebrated my SIX MONTH anniversary of quitting smoking!!!
~The hubby and I had our 7 year anniversary of our first date. Awwww.
~ My husband was accepted into Sanford Brown College (a private vocational school). You might remember he's been monkeying around with a different college for four years now and we finally had enough of that (long story) and he applied and was accepted into their Polysomnography (sleep study technologist) program. His classes begin August 8th. We had to do some creative financing (read: borrow a shitload of money) but he's in. In 50 weeks he should be done. DONE. Out. In the JOB MARKET!!! One more year of living paycheck to paycheck on one income...hopefully! Keep us in your prayers please during this year!!!
~ Beginning next Wednesday my best friend and I, along with a group of several other women will begin a Bible in 90 Days program. We will be reading through the ENTIRE Bible in...you guessed it...90 days! She participated in this program last year and said it was awesome. I've struggled through reading the Bible this past year, and I'm still only in Isaiah. I'm hoping this will be a positive experience for me to truly delve into God's Word with a group of other faithful women. It should be interesting!
So...
That's about it. Kinda boring, huh?
I hope to have something more to say soon...
Love,
Rebecca
October 30, 2010
Time Flies...
Sorry for my absence you wonderful bloggy friends! I have missed you all! Life has a serious way of getting in my way sometimes, and I am just now getting a chance to stop, take a breath, and catch up. (And by catch up I mean read the 430 blog posts that are stacking up in my reader, redo a little blog and website designing, and get back into the swing of semi-normal life!)
Lets see...what's been going on around here?
The Road: First of all, you might notice some blog changes. I am incredibly A.D.D. and O.C.D. when it comes to my blog. I have spent more hours than I care to count combing the web for the PERFECT blog layout. Then I spend more time tweaking little things...my widgets and links, buttons and sidebars. I drive myself crazy with it. I settled on this layout today (finally!) even though it's a Thanksgiving theme, because I love the colors and the words "Give Thanks" on it. It's a subtle little nudge everytime I open my blog to be thankful and live with gratitude. (I'm not totally hip to the "dinner at Grandma's" type photo idea, but I can't do anything about it, so I'm rollin' with it).
Next, I have added a couple different buttons to my sidebar. Over there to the right you'll see a section called "Snag A Button". They are both for you to take if you so choose. One links to this blog, and the other links to my Women's Prayer Ministry website. Feel free to grab them. And please, if you feel moved to do so, visit/join my ministry site and pass it on to anyone you believe would like to join.
Under the buttons, there are two scrolling marquees. These are people I follow. "IF friends" are my infertility blogging buddies, and "Women of Faith" are some really insightful Christian women bloggers/sites I've come across lately. If you have a blog button and I haven't snagged it for my marquees, PLEASE notify me! I would LOVE to have it!!!
Up top, right below the header, are three page tabs. "My Journey" details the origin of this blog. "The Bookshelf" chronicles my insane addiction to books. :) "My Women's Ministry" page explains the genesis of Let Me Sow Love: A Meeting Place For Christian Women, my prayer ministry website.
And last but certainly not least, over on the left sidebar are links to my Ravelry page and Twitter. Add me to either or both, if you so choose!
Work: I was switched crews a couple of weeks ago, so instead of working my usual 28 days of dayshift, I worked 14 days of dayshift, then went back to nightshift for the other 14 days. Now I have this weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun) off and will start another 28 days of dayshift beginning Monday morning. The quick turn from days to nights a couple weeks ago, coupled with the changing season has me upside down and topsy turvy. I'm lucky to remember what day it is and if I put on clean underwear!
For those of you who are newcomers to The Road, I work as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. Yes, it is a crazy job; stressful, long hours, dealing with the crazy public and even crazier cops! But, it is also a very fulfilling job. I love that in doing what I do I am able to fulfill my calling to help others in some way. Whether it be as serious as talking someone through CPR on a loved one, dispatching an officer to a fight in progress or domestic disturbance, staying on the phone with a scared citizen who believes there might be someone in their home, calming a suicidal subject down until the officers and paramedics can get there to help them...or as minor as giving a caller the phone number to the jail...I serve someone in their time of need. Trust me, there are days I feel like burying my head under the covers and not dealing with the craziness, but there are always moments in every shift that make it worth it to leave my husband and family for 12 hours a day, weekends, nights, and holidays. And that's what keeps me going. My work schedule is one that confuses even me. On dayshift I work 6am to 6pm, and on nightshift, 6pm to 6am. There are a couple of short days thrown in there to even it out to 40 hrs a week...sometimes I'll work 3 12's and a 4 hour day, sometimes 2 12's and 2 8's...it all depends on what the staffing needs are on that particular week. The good thing about my schedule is that I always have every other weekend Friday thru Sunday off, and every other Wednesday/Thursday off. Makes it a lot easier to schedule doctor's appointments, family get-togethers, etc.
Health: This has been a struggle lately. About 3 weeks or a month ago, I came down with a severe sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. It kicked my butt, I tell ya what! I finally kicked it, and by the time I felt halfway human, Matt picked it up. With him being diabetic and having a compromised immune system (he has blood disorders called thrombocytopenia and leukopenia; basically his spleen is enlarged and "eats" the majority of his white blood cells, so he can't fight infection as well as someone without it, and his blood doesn't clot well), any sickness hits him HARD. His sinus infection/URI turned into bronchitis and he was in bad order for a while. We're both over that now, thank goodness!
And, last week sometime I began having serious lower back pain. As in could barely move, felt like someone was stabbing me in the butt, call off work and lay in my recliner for three days back pain. I went to the local urgent care and the doctor there "diagnosed" me with a probable slipped disc and muscle sprain. I was given muscle relaxers and painkillers and sent home to rest. I didn't truly believe there was a slipped disc (first of all he didn't do any x-rays, MRI, nothing to actually SEE a disc problem). So I called a chiropractor and went in last Monday for an exam and adjustment. He took x-rays and did a much more thorough exam than the urgent care doctor did, and performed several adjustments on my lower back. After he read the x-rays, he told me I did not in fact have a slipped disc...the problem was that my pelvis was seriously tilted forward and much higher on the left than on the right. This was what was causing the pain, because in tilting and rotating it was pinching off the nerves on the left side of my spine in the pelvic region. The muscle pain was from my body unconsciously trying to overcompensate for my pelvis being off-kilter. So, I'm on a regimen of scheduled adjustments and pelvic exercises to get it back in place and strengthen the muscles to keep it in alignment. When I first went in to the chiro, I was afraid he was going to take one look at me and blame the pain all on my weight (as every doctor I've been to blames everything on...pain, my PCOS, my infertility, you name it doctors have blamed my weight for it). Now, I'm not an unintelligent person. I realize I'm overweight. By more than a few pounds. But I've hovered around my current weight for several years (unfortunately), and have NEVER had such severe sudden onset of back pain EVER. I explained this to him and he stopped me in my tracks. He looked at me and said "Skinny people have back problems too. Their spines and pelvises get out of alignment too. You think only overweight people need chiropractic care?" That made me feel so much better! He even said he's sure that I realize that my weight doesn't make it any easier on my back, and that losing some would certainly help, but that it wasn't the CAUSE of my pelvis getting torqued. Anything could have happened to do that. And I do realize that I need to lose a substantial amount of weight for many reasons. And I am trying. My PCOS and untreated thyroid condition make it so very hard though. (And I say "untreated" because every doctor I've gone to has refused to treat my hypothyroidism. Bastards.) Anyway...long story short (too late!), I'm on the road to recovery from that and actually can't wait til I can get back to the gym and get some of this nasty blubber off me!
PCOS: Speaking of the bane of my existence, I really need to get this under control. A few months back, I was notified by my husband and mom of a webchat with a prominent St. Louis fertility specialist. I logged on and chatted with him and several other women for a while. He is AMAZING! I had asked him if he believed in the link between PCOS, thyroid problems, and infertility. He amazed me and said yes, there is a HUGE link between all three! No one ever wanted to believe me before (even after printing out research on it and shoving it in their faces!). He said that he wanted me to make an appointment because he wanted to get me going on treatment. He specializes in PCOS, and is a leading doc in the country for infertility issues/IVF/ICSI. Whodathunkit? Right here in my own backyard...a FAMOUS infertility doc?!?!?! I still have yet to make the appointment...don't know why. I think I'm scared.
Church: With all the aforementioned issues going on, we haven't been to church in over a month, and we're both starting to miss it! If it wasn't me on nights, it was me sick, then Matt sick, then me injured...we're going to church this Sunday come Hades or high water! LOL
I also need to get back into a routine of Bible reading/focused prayer time. When I was doing that I felt so much more centered, more peaceful, more connected to God. I miss that. I know that He is always there, and He is ready to listen...I just haven't made the time lately to talk to Him.
Knitting: I'm currently working on another pair of socks. Imagine that! I love sock-knitting. I don't know why, but they're some of my favorite projects to make. This time I'm learning a few different techniques (for you non-knitters this will be gibberish, so feel free to gloss over this section!). The first was a provisional cast-on with crochet chain. After watching a couple YouTube video tutorials, it was pretty much no big deal. The only problem was that I couldn't get my provisional stitches to "unzip" the way they're supposed to, so I had to "uncrochet" all of them. That was a pain in my ample backside, let me tell ya. That led into the next new technique: socks from the toe up using a short row toe. I have no earthly idea HOW this works, and if I had the option to explain how the short rows make the little toe pocket or sleep on a bed of nails...lets just say I'd have to buy stock in Band-Aid for all the little puncture wounds on my back. That's how clueless I am of the workings of short rows. Don't know how they work, don't really care to...all I know is that with a few wraps of the yarn and several turns of your work, VOILA! You have what looks like a little pocket for the toe of your sock. It's a little bit of knitting magic, really. I'll post some pics in the next few days of my progress on the current sock...I think you're gonna love it!
Holy jeebus! This was intended as a short "where I've been/what I've been up to" catch up post! Well, that idea flew out the window about 1000 words ago, didn't it?
I do hope you're all doing well. Please fill me in on the goings-on in your lives if I've missed an important post. And, if you or anyone you know has a prayer need or request, let me know. I feel very moved to pray for others and will add every request to my daily prayers.
Lets see...what's been going on around here?
The Road: First of all, you might notice some blog changes. I am incredibly A.D.D. and O.C.D. when it comes to my blog. I have spent more hours than I care to count combing the web for the PERFECT blog layout. Then I spend more time tweaking little things...my widgets and links, buttons and sidebars. I drive myself crazy with it. I settled on this layout today (finally!) even though it's a Thanksgiving theme, because I love the colors and the words "Give Thanks" on it. It's a subtle little nudge everytime I open my blog to be thankful and live with gratitude. (I'm not totally hip to the "dinner at Grandma's" type photo idea, but I can't do anything about it, so I'm rollin' with it).
Next, I have added a couple different buttons to my sidebar. Over there to the right you'll see a section called "Snag A Button". They are both for you to take if you so choose. One links to this blog, and the other links to my Women's Prayer Ministry website. Feel free to grab them. And please, if you feel moved to do so, visit/join my ministry site and pass it on to anyone you believe would like to join.
Under the buttons, there are two scrolling marquees. These are people I follow. "IF friends" are my infertility blogging buddies, and "Women of Faith" are some really insightful Christian women bloggers/sites I've come across lately. If you have a blog button and I haven't snagged it for my marquees, PLEASE notify me! I would LOVE to have it!!!
Up top, right below the header, are three page tabs. "My Journey" details the origin of this blog. "The Bookshelf" chronicles my insane addiction to books. :) "My Women's Ministry" page explains the genesis of Let Me Sow Love: A Meeting Place For Christian Women, my prayer ministry website.
And last but certainly not least, over on the left sidebar are links to my Ravelry page and Twitter. Add me to either or both, if you so choose!
Work: I was switched crews a couple of weeks ago, so instead of working my usual 28 days of dayshift, I worked 14 days of dayshift, then went back to nightshift for the other 14 days. Now I have this weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun) off and will start another 28 days of dayshift beginning Monday morning. The quick turn from days to nights a couple weeks ago, coupled with the changing season has me upside down and topsy turvy. I'm lucky to remember what day it is and if I put on clean underwear!
For those of you who are newcomers to The Road, I work as a 9-1-1 dispatcher. Yes, it is a crazy job; stressful, long hours, dealing with the crazy public and even crazier cops! But, it is also a very fulfilling job. I love that in doing what I do I am able to fulfill my calling to help others in some way. Whether it be as serious as talking someone through CPR on a loved one, dispatching an officer to a fight in progress or domestic disturbance, staying on the phone with a scared citizen who believes there might be someone in their home, calming a suicidal subject down until the officers and paramedics can get there to help them...or as minor as giving a caller the phone number to the jail...I serve someone in their time of need. Trust me, there are days I feel like burying my head under the covers and not dealing with the craziness, but there are always moments in every shift that make it worth it to leave my husband and family for 12 hours a day, weekends, nights, and holidays. And that's what keeps me going. My work schedule is one that confuses even me. On dayshift I work 6am to 6pm, and on nightshift, 6pm to 6am. There are a couple of short days thrown in there to even it out to 40 hrs a week...sometimes I'll work 3 12's and a 4 hour day, sometimes 2 12's and 2 8's...it all depends on what the staffing needs are on that particular week. The good thing about my schedule is that I always have every other weekend Friday thru Sunday off, and every other Wednesday/Thursday off. Makes it a lot easier to schedule doctor's appointments, family get-togethers, etc.
Health: This has been a struggle lately. About 3 weeks or a month ago, I came down with a severe sinus infection/upper respiratory infection. It kicked my butt, I tell ya what! I finally kicked it, and by the time I felt halfway human, Matt picked it up. With him being diabetic and having a compromised immune system (he has blood disorders called thrombocytopenia and leukopenia; basically his spleen is enlarged and "eats" the majority of his white blood cells, so he can't fight infection as well as someone without it, and his blood doesn't clot well), any sickness hits him HARD. His sinus infection/URI turned into bronchitis and he was in bad order for a while. We're both over that now, thank goodness!
And, last week sometime I began having serious lower back pain. As in could barely move, felt like someone was stabbing me in the butt, call off work and lay in my recliner for three days back pain. I went to the local urgent care and the doctor there "diagnosed" me with a probable slipped disc and muscle sprain. I was given muscle relaxers and painkillers and sent home to rest. I didn't truly believe there was a slipped disc (first of all he didn't do any x-rays, MRI, nothing to actually SEE a disc problem). So I called a chiropractor and went in last Monday for an exam and adjustment. He took x-rays and did a much more thorough exam than the urgent care doctor did, and performed several adjustments on my lower back. After he read the x-rays, he told me I did not in fact have a slipped disc...the problem was that my pelvis was seriously tilted forward and much higher on the left than on the right. This was what was causing the pain, because in tilting and rotating it was pinching off the nerves on the left side of my spine in the pelvic region. The muscle pain was from my body unconsciously trying to overcompensate for my pelvis being off-kilter. So, I'm on a regimen of scheduled adjustments and pelvic exercises to get it back in place and strengthen the muscles to keep it in alignment. When I first went in to the chiro, I was afraid he was going to take one look at me and blame the pain all on my weight (as every doctor I've been to blames everything on...pain, my PCOS, my infertility, you name it doctors have blamed my weight for it). Now, I'm not an unintelligent person. I realize I'm overweight. By more than a few pounds. But I've hovered around my current weight for several years (unfortunately), and have NEVER had such severe sudden onset of back pain EVER. I explained this to him and he stopped me in my tracks. He looked at me and said "Skinny people have back problems too. Their spines and pelvises get out of alignment too. You think only overweight people need chiropractic care?" That made me feel so much better! He even said he's sure that I realize that my weight doesn't make it any easier on my back, and that losing some would certainly help, but that it wasn't the CAUSE of my pelvis getting torqued. Anything could have happened to do that. And I do realize that I need to lose a substantial amount of weight for many reasons. And I am trying. My PCOS and untreated thyroid condition make it so very hard though. (And I say "untreated" because every doctor I've gone to has refused to treat my hypothyroidism. Bastards.) Anyway...long story short (too late!), I'm on the road to recovery from that and actually can't wait til I can get back to the gym and get some of this nasty blubber off me!
PCOS: Speaking of the bane of my existence, I really need to get this under control. A few months back, I was notified by my husband and mom of a webchat with a prominent St. Louis fertility specialist. I logged on and chatted with him and several other women for a while. He is AMAZING! I had asked him if he believed in the link between PCOS, thyroid problems, and infertility. He amazed me and said yes, there is a HUGE link between all three! No one ever wanted to believe me before (even after printing out research on it and shoving it in their faces!). He said that he wanted me to make an appointment because he wanted to get me going on treatment. He specializes in PCOS, and is a leading doc in the country for infertility issues/IVF/ICSI. Whodathunkit? Right here in my own backyard...a FAMOUS infertility doc?!?!?! I still have yet to make the appointment...don't know why. I think I'm scared.
Church: With all the aforementioned issues going on, we haven't been to church in over a month, and we're both starting to miss it! If it wasn't me on nights, it was me sick, then Matt sick, then me injured...we're going to church this Sunday come Hades or high water! LOL
I also need to get back into a routine of Bible reading/focused prayer time. When I was doing that I felt so much more centered, more peaceful, more connected to God. I miss that. I know that He is always there, and He is ready to listen...I just haven't made the time lately to talk to Him.
Knitting: I'm currently working on another pair of socks. Imagine that! I love sock-knitting. I don't know why, but they're some of my favorite projects to make. This time I'm learning a few different techniques (for you non-knitters this will be gibberish, so feel free to gloss over this section!). The first was a provisional cast-on with crochet chain. After watching a couple YouTube video tutorials, it was pretty much no big deal. The only problem was that I couldn't get my provisional stitches to "unzip" the way they're supposed to, so I had to "uncrochet" all of them. That was a pain in my ample backside, let me tell ya. That led into the next new technique: socks from the toe up using a short row toe. I have no earthly idea HOW this works, and if I had the option to explain how the short rows make the little toe pocket or sleep on a bed of nails...lets just say I'd have to buy stock in Band-Aid for all the little puncture wounds on my back. That's how clueless I am of the workings of short rows. Don't know how they work, don't really care to...all I know is that with a few wraps of the yarn and several turns of your work, VOILA! You have what looks like a little pocket for the toe of your sock. It's a little bit of knitting magic, really. I'll post some pics in the next few days of my progress on the current sock...I think you're gonna love it!
Holy jeebus! This was intended as a short "where I've been/what I've been up to" catch up post! Well, that idea flew out the window about 1000 words ago, didn't it?
I do hope you're all doing well. Please fill me in on the goings-on in your lives if I've missed an important post. And, if you or anyone you know has a prayer need or request, let me know. I feel very moved to pray for others and will add every request to my daily prayers.
August 14, 2010
Getting settled...
Well, we're finally all settled in the new apartment.
We still have a box or two to go through and organize, and we need to hang up some pictures and personalize the place, but it's coming along nicely. I tried to take some pictures, but the light wasn't very good when I was taking them, so I'll have to post some later.
I think the physical act of moving residences blew the dust off of some issues I've been hanging on to. I've been moving them back and forth in my mind, trying to reorganize them back into their respective boxes and not succeeding very well. Let's just say it's been an emotional week for me. I had a good cry on hubby's shoulders last night about some of them, and that did make me feel somewhat better, but I still have a little lingering "emotional hangover" today. I'm sure with a little time and some extra prayers I will be okay in a few days.
Sorry for the quick disjointed post, but I just wanted to let you all know I am still around, reading if not commenting on your blogs and keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
We'll talk soon...off to knit!
We still have a box or two to go through and organize, and we need to hang up some pictures and personalize the place, but it's coming along nicely. I tried to take some pictures, but the light wasn't very good when I was taking them, so I'll have to post some later.
I think the physical act of moving residences blew the dust off of some issues I've been hanging on to. I've been moving them back and forth in my mind, trying to reorganize them back into their respective boxes and not succeeding very well. Let's just say it's been an emotional week for me. I had a good cry on hubby's shoulders last night about some of them, and that did make me feel somewhat better, but I still have a little lingering "emotional hangover" today. I'm sure with a little time and some extra prayers I will be okay in a few days.
Sorry for the quick disjointed post, but I just wanted to let you all know I am still around, reading if not commenting on your blogs and keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
We'll talk soon...off to knit!
June 3, 2010
Take a few more steps with me...
A couple of months ago I wrote this post chronicling the first few steps I had taken down the road I'm on. The first steps of accepting the help of others, of finding my way back to God, of allowing God to work within me to heal my heart and of finding my purpose in life in the absence of my own desires.
It hasn't all been a smooth, straight shot. Life is still a little rough around the edges, and there are many things I need to release, some I need to accept, and more lessons I need to learn. There have been setbacks, there has been denial and resistance.
But there has also been peace. Happiness. Love. Trust. Things I didn't believe I could feel again.
Because I allowed them a place to grow.
I asked God to help me release what was holding me back in my life, what I was holding on to that was darkening the very core of my soul.
The seedlings of faith, healing, and complete surrender are taking root in my heart and in my life...and it's an amazing feeling.
It's a little disconcerting sometimes to not have that death-grip of control over every little thing that happens. It's hard to not want to hold on to the anger, the bitterness, the jealousy, the self-pity. Because as much as I do want to hold on to them (because they are familiar, they are what I know, they are what I'm used to, they are as comfortable to me as a worn pair of pajamas) I know they are not healthy. They are not conducive to the new life I have been given. They are not what God wants in my heart. And they are not what I want in my heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt and I had a meeting on Wednesday with the pastor of the church we have been attending to talk to him about becoming members there. Pastor T is just awesome. I love his ministering style, his sermons are always relevant, and he is just an all around nice guy. Anyway, we talked at length about us joining and we learned that another couple are also interested in joining as well. The four of us will be taking the instructional classes to become new members starting next Friday. :) I'm really excited about it. I was raised in the Methodist church, so I am very interested in learning all I can about the Lutheran faith. Matt will be taking the classes with me, even though he was confirmed as a teenager. Pastor T recommends that anyway, to re-take the classes as an adult, because there is so much more one can get from them after they have some life experience under their belt. Even if he didn't recommend it, Matt was going to take them anyway, to support me through them. Have I mentioned lately that my husband rocks? :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am still chugging along with my "Bible Cover to Cover" project. I started in January reading straight through the Bible and am now starting 2 Chronicles. It's been a true learning experience for me, because I've never read the Bible straight through cover to cover before. I've read snippets and stories and learned verses as most people that were "raised in church" have. But to dive in headfirst from "In the beginning...", it's a totally different thing. I'm really enjoying it. My best friend joined an online group in January that was reading the Bible in 90 Days. There's another group starting in July, and I'm considering joining along, but I'm still not sure. I need to do a little more thinking and praying about it. One reason I'm hesitant is that we will be right in the middle of our instructional classes at church, and I'm not sure I want to take away from that or from the Bible by trying to do too much at once. We'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of people have asked where we are on the TTC/adoption front, so I thought I would update that as well. We're pretty much at a standstill with it all. We've submitted our application for homestudy and review for the adoption through DFS, but we still haven't heard if we are going to be able to get into the foster/adopt class this fall. Everything is up in the air. I did also send off for an informational packet from an adoption agency I heard of and I received that the other day. It seems promising, but it's still a long way off for us I'm afraid. Their fees alone are $19,500. That doesn't include homestudy fees, our lawyer to finalize the adoption, any other expenses that need to be paid. That's just to match us and facilitate the adoption. It all makes me want to cry honestly. It's been such a long road, why does it have to be so expensive too? I just don't know what our next step is. We have a lot of praying to do there as well. TTC is pretty much nonexistent right now as AF has been MIA for some time. I have an appointment in June for my yearly exam at the gyno, and I will be discussing some options with him then. For right now, I'm trying to focus on getting this blasted PCOS under control and losing some weight. Both of them are enough to make me crazy. I've been prescribed Metformin for my PCOS for years, but haven't taken it for quite a while. I don't have a valid reason, I just haven't taken it. So that is step #1 I guess, get started back on the Metformin and see what happens with that and some weight loss.
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And there you have it. The good, bad and indifferent of what's been going on with me.
How are you?
April 1, 2010
A few steps down the path...
There has been so much going on around here lately for us. Some of it has been good, some challenging, but all of it has been a learning experience. Through the past few weeks I've learned more about myself, grown in my faith in God, and learned so much about the people I am blessed to call my family and friends.
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
We "came out" recently on a popular social networking site in regards to our infertility struggle and our adoption path. Well...I did anyway. My husband was "outed" by default in the process. I did this for several reasons. I've always been open and brutally honest here and on previous blogs about our infertility and the feelings and struggles we've faced because of it, both personally and within our marriage. I have kind of kept a lid on it in other places mostly because I'm tired of the well-meaning ass-vice that people love to give. It's a hard balance to keep sometimes. Well, I'm tired of hiding. If you can have five kids and post a zillion pictures and update everyone about the status of your "miserable pregnancy" then I can say "Hey, I'm infertile and if you don't like what I have to say or the way I respond, then there's the unfriend button, click away honey." I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm infertile. It's not my fault. It's not my husband's fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's not even God's fault. It took me a long time to realize that. It's taken me a long time to get to the point of accepting that I might never conceive and give birth to a child that is biologically of me and my husband. It hurts to accept that. I'm not going to lie, it hurts bad. There will always be a hollowed out spot in my heart and in our family that I believe belongs to that child that might never be. I will always to long to look at our child and see my husband's eyes, my nose, his cute jutting chin and my chubby cheeks looking back at me. I believe I will always long to have that. But I've gotten to a place where I'm accepting that it just might not happen. I have learned in the past few months that God has a plan that is bigger than I could ever imagine. And I don't believe that God would have put the desire to be a mother in my heart if He didn't have a way in mind to make that happen.
I truly believe that God has plans for us to be parents together. For me to be a mother, for my husband to be a full-time father. However, and what has frustrated me for the past six years is that His plan is not always the same as MY plan. It has taken a lot of prayer, soul-searching, and humbling of myself before I realized that our goals are the same...just the paths are a little different. My path, the path I've been trudging along for five years and five months has been me wandering in the jungle, hacking away at the dense choking foliage with the machete of my iron will. It was dark, stifling, treacherous, claustrophobic, and filled with the scary sounds of jungle creatures and sometimes myself screaming in the night. Most of all it was lonely. Good grief was it fucking lonely. God's path however...how mightily different the few steps I've taken on it have been.
Wait.
Let me back up a bit.
I've already stated here before that several months ago I began to re-explore my relationship with God, or lack thereof. My husband and I sought out and found a church "home" we feel comfortable in and have been attending services regularly (well, as regularly as my nutty schedule will allow anyway). I began taking time daily to read my Bible, and have been reading several books geared toward "new believers" pertaining to establishing a relationship adn walk with God. My best friend and I have had several very interesting and fulfilling conversations about faith, religion and our personal walks and challenges in our faith. I look forward to spending time with her every week not only because we have fun together, but because we can talk faith and I know both of us enjoy that immensely.
One particular book that has totally changed the way I pray and view my relationship with God is called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On" by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend it. She likens our walk with God to that of a child learning to walk. Instead of the goal of INdependence when teaching our children to walk (and in raising them altogether), we must learn that without total DEpendence on God, we are unable to take even the smallest of steps along the path He has laid out for us. I'll be the first to admit, it sounds a bit simplistic at first, but as I've delved further into this book I've found that it's a very comforting premise. I've also learned a lot about the concept of "God's will". For years I've had a knee jerk reaction to those words. My hackles raised, my eyes involuntarily rolled, and I could feel the bitterness bubbling up like acid in my stomach burning a hole right through my soul. Mostly because those words were always prefaced by some well-meaning idiot who decided that it would be comforting to tell me that my infertility or my friends' pregnancy losses were "God's will" and that it was "God's will" that I wasn't meant to have a child. I call bullshit on that one. I have learned that God does have a plan. That doesn't mean that He CAUSES bad things to happen. He doesn't want bad things to happen to His children any more than any loving parent does. He never promise there wouldn't be struggles or hard times. He just promised that He would be there to comfort us if we allow Him to. It is NOT God's plan for any child to die. It is NOT His plan for any of His children to experience loss and disappointment. Bad things happen. Sometimes there are no explanations, and that's hard to accept. It's hard for me to accept, I know that for a fact. But I believe it to be true. God has a plan for me, and there is no way for me with my human eyes, heart and mind to comprehend how awesome it is. I've glimpsed tiny visions of it, because He has allowed me to. He has shone a light just big enough on the path before my feet to let me know I'm going in the right direction.
I have recently changed the way I pray. In all my years growing up in the church, I never truly learned how to pray. I was taught to thank God for what you do have and ask for what you want. That was it. So, for years, that's what I did. I spent the last six years basically begging God to let me get pregnant and to give us a child. To cure me of my infertility and stop the pain of my breaking heart. I spent the last six years hacking my way through the jungle, forging my own path through the wilderness, believing that since God wasn't answering my prayers and giving me a child, that I was being punished. My punishment for whatever I had done in my past that was so heinous was walking the Hell of infertility. There were a few people who tried to get me to understand that this was simply not true. I didn't want to believe them. I believed that I was such an awful person, God decided to refuse the one thing I truly wanted in life. The Bible even says that children are a reward, that if I ask I shall receive. Apparently (in my mind) God had deemed me not worthy of that reward, of that blessing, and I certainly wasn't going to receive no matter how many times/how loud/in how many languages I asked.
It's ok. Go ahead and laugh. I laugh at myself just writing that.
My first step was to accept that my infertility was not and IS NOT a punishment. That was a hard step to take. I am not unworthy. Like a lot of people in this world, I seemed to enjoy playing the "victim card". Woe is me, the lonely bitter jaded misunderstood infertile woman. Granted, infertility is lonely; sometimes we do become bitter and jaded; and a lot of people don't understand it. I see now though, that I overplayed it a LOT.
My second step was to accept that there are things in this life and in this world that I am simply not meant to understand or have control over. As much as it frustrates me and hurts, my infertility and the possibility that I might never conceive a child is one of those things. I don't know why I might never know the joy of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child. And maybe I'm not meant to understand.
My third step was to admit that I am helpless to overcome this aching chasm in my heart without God's help.
My fourth step was to accept that God has a plan for all of us. Just because it doesn't look the way we imagine it SHOULD look or the way we WANT it to look, doesn't mean that it's not a fantabulously amazing plan. God wants us to dream. He puts dreams in our hearts. He put the desire to be a mother into my heart, that I know for a fact. But pursuing dreams that are not in line with His will for our lives will only bring misery, frustration and unfulfillment. I'm learning that more everyday.
My fifth step was to learn a new way of praying. And that was to declare my total and utter dependence on God, ask him to reveal to me his plan for my life, and for Him to show me the path that is in line with his plan for my life.
A few months ago, I said my prayer of "God, I admit that I have no control of this situation, but I do know that you placed the desire to be a mother into my heart for a reason. I trust that you have a way to make that happen, and I am fully dependent on you to lead me down that path. I am surrendering my life to Your will. Please make Your will known to us. If it is Your will for us to be parents, please show us the way and the path we should be moving on".
When I began praying in that manner, praying for God to reveal his plans for us and to make his will known, and when I consciously surrendered the grip of control I wanted to have on my life...things began to change. My relationship with my husband changed. We became softer and more open with each other. We began going to church together, reading our Bibles together, reading a couples' daily devotional together. My relationship with several of my friends began to change. My heart has opened and started to heal enough that I was able to spend an evening with my best friend and her two adorable sons without wanting to run from the room bursting into tears of jealousy and anger. I didn't even feel that when I was with them. I truly only felt blessed to get to witness my best friend, the little girl I've known since the day she was born, who used to sit in my bedroom and play Barbie's and trade secrets with me mothering her children. I didn't feel that old pang of "I can't be here, it's too painful". There was a moment of "yeah, I can't wait for that".
One of my biggest hindrances in my faith is being open to hearing the answers God has for me regarding my life rather than begging him for something and getting pissed off when He doesn't answer the way I think He should. Hmm. Pretentious much? I'm learning that I can't put limits on God. He works in His own way and His own time. Just because we don't get the answer we WANT, doesn't mean the answer is NO. Maybe the answer is "Well, maybe not now."
Soon after I changed my method of praying and truly opening myself up to the answers God was giving me, we heard about the adoption situation I discussed in my previous post. Even though that didn't pan out, we still feel that at this moment, we are being led to pursue adoption. I'm not saying we are giving up TTC. We will probably still keep trying as we move through the adoption process. We always wanted two anyway. The adoption process is going to be a while anyway, so anything can happen in that time.
All of that being said...we have started the process for adopting through our county Children's Division (DFS). I printed out and have begun completing the home assessment application. I contacted several of our friends to ask if we could use them as references. I have a list of items we need to gather to show that we are prepared (materially and physical space wise) for a child placement. A friend from work has donated a crib to us, and several people have offered us clothing from their children or relative's children.
I spoke to a case worker at the Children's Division today and even though I wasn't real encouraged by what she had to say, it was still a step in the right direction. She is mailing us out a homestudy packet and information on the adoption program, and I should get that next week. We have to go through the foster/adopt classes, and unfortunately they aren't having another one until September. We can take it in a different county as long as it's still in Missouri, and they might have one sooner. They will probably come do our homestudy in the next couple of months. As soon as we get the homestudy done and complete the classes and are approved, all we do then is wait for our child! She did say that we will probably have a longer wait because we specified that we are "adopt only" and that we prefer an infant up to 2-3 years old. There's a longer wait for that. But...one thing she did say is once we get the homestudy done, if we find out about a private adoption situation, we can use that homestudy for that and it's one less thing to go through.
Even though I was disappointed in the "hurry up and wait" aspect of everything, I'm relying on God to get me through it. One of the biggest lessons God has been trying to beat into me teach me for years is patience. September is only five months away. This gives us more time to get the projects done around the house that we have planned (remodeling the bathroom, rebuilding our front deck, painting inside and outside of the house).
Everyone we have told about this has been nothing but supportive and incredibly helpful. To be honest, I've been quite amazed at the outpouring of support we have received. I know I have amazing friends and family, but still. It's a little overwhelming when you receive text messages and emails for a full day from people offering help and support.
God is GOOD!!!
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday To Me! I'm 36 today, and although it's a little later than I wanted it to happen, I'm finally on my way to being a Mommy! That's the best present I could ever dream of!!!
(Stay tuned for a fun knitting update post this weekend!)
February 7, 2010
This and that...
Good morning fellow travelers!
I hope everyone is having an enjoyable Superbowl Sunday so far. Who are you rooting for?
We're not football fans around here (ducking to avoid the projectiles being hurled at my head after that comment!)...actually we don't care for much in the way of sports except for watching the Olympics. I guess we're weird that way. Our Superbowl Sunday is being spent being totally and utterly lazy! We tried to go to church this morning, but when we got there, we realized that they changed the time of the service. It used to be at 9am. We arrived about 8:37 to see a sign that they are now having two Sunday morning services, at 8am and 10:45 am. So we headed back toward home, stopped for a bite to eat, and hubby started feeling really bad. He's had the flu this week, and he had a few dizzy spells before we were supposed to leave for the 10:45 service. So, I decided to stay home to monitor him instead of going to church. I think God would understand!
I have a turkey breast roasting in the oven for dinner, and aside from checking that once in a while, I'm 100% committed to doing little more today than camping out in the living room catching up on my shows that have DVR'd this week and knitting my little heart out! I love love love lazy days!!!
Did I hear someone ask what I'm knitting? :) Well, as a matter of fact, I'm working on my first "me" project of the year...my Booga Bag. This is my first felted project. Remember the hideously ugly yarn I bought a while back? Go check the picture, I'll wait. :)
Here's that yarn again, this time being worked into a Booga Bag. I still think it's gloriously ugly, but the striping effect is nice. I've nicknamed this my "Booger Bag"...because although you can't tell very well in the picture, parts of the yarn appear the beautifully appetizing color of snot. Or baby poop. But I didn't think Poopoo bag had the same flair as Booger Bag. But, maybe that's just me.
"Booger" Bag in progress:
Yesterday I had to make a hasty trip to the yarn store in order to pick up another skein of said hideous yarn, because when I first bought it, I didn't know quite what I was going to use it for. So, I bought three skeins. I should have bought four, because once I got into knitting the bag, I realized it's quite chunky and I was afraid I was going to run out. While I was there, I found another colorway of the same yarn, which since it was on SALE, I bought as well. :) Oddly enough, these two skeins shown are the same colorway, but because of the long color changes, they appear to be totally different. I really liked these shades, and will probably do a second Booga with this. Or maybe not. It all depends on what strikes my fancy!
Nashua Handknits Wooly Stripes (pastels):
I hope everyone is having an enjoyable Superbowl Sunday so far. Who are you rooting for?
We're not football fans around here (ducking to avoid the projectiles being hurled at my head after that comment!)...actually we don't care for much in the way of sports except for watching the Olympics. I guess we're weird that way. Our Superbowl Sunday is being spent being totally and utterly lazy! We tried to go to church this morning, but when we got there, we realized that they changed the time of the service. It used to be at 9am. We arrived about 8:37 to see a sign that they are now having two Sunday morning services, at 8am and 10:45 am. So we headed back toward home, stopped for a bite to eat, and hubby started feeling really bad. He's had the flu this week, and he had a few dizzy spells before we were supposed to leave for the 10:45 service. So, I decided to stay home to monitor him instead of going to church. I think God would understand!
I have a turkey breast roasting in the oven for dinner, and aside from checking that once in a while, I'm 100% committed to doing little more today than camping out in the living room catching up on my shows that have DVR'd this week and knitting my little heart out! I love love love lazy days!!!
Did I hear someone ask what I'm knitting? :) Well, as a matter of fact, I'm working on my first "me" project of the year...my Booga Bag. This is my first felted project. Remember the hideously ugly yarn I bought a while back? Go check the picture, I'll wait. :)
Here's that yarn again, this time being worked into a Booga Bag. I still think it's gloriously ugly, but the striping effect is nice. I've nicknamed this my "Booger Bag"...because although you can't tell very well in the picture, parts of the yarn appear the beautifully appetizing color of snot. Or baby poop. But I didn't think Poopoo bag had the same flair as Booger Bag. But, maybe that's just me.
"Booger" Bag in progress:
Yesterday I had to make a hasty trip to the yarn store in order to pick up another skein of said hideous yarn, because when I first bought it, I didn't know quite what I was going to use it for. So, I bought three skeins. I should have bought four, because once I got into knitting the bag, I realized it's quite chunky and I was afraid I was going to run out. While I was there, I found another colorway of the same yarn, which since it was on SALE, I bought as well. :) Oddly enough, these two skeins shown are the same colorway, but because of the long color changes, they appear to be totally different. I really liked these shades, and will probably do a second Booga with this. Or maybe not. It all depends on what strikes my fancy!
Nashua Handknits Wooly Stripes (pastels):
In His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you...ability...[use it] with as much faith as God has given you. ~Romans 12:6 NLT
January 7, 2010
Updates in brief
I really would love to be able to devote the time I want to developing this blog post, however given that I haven't been able to breathe through my nose for the past 36 hours, I'm running a fever, have gone through two boxes of Kleenex and a roll of toilet paper trying to staunch the flow whatever is coming out of my nose (how is it that mucus can clog my sinuses like concrete one minute and be free flowing out my nostrils the next? I mean really.)...I'm just going to do a quickie update and come back later and expand on it. :)
~New Year's Eve service at our "new" church = beautiful. I think we've found our church home.
~I finished up two of the baby sweaters I've been knitting as gifts for a dear friend expecting twins via surrogate. They are adorable! Pictures will be available after I know she's received them (haven't shipped them yet as I still have a couple more surprises up my sleeve for her and her boys!)
~Haven't had AF since going off the pill in November. Apparently I didn't ovulate and am inducing AF with progesterone so we can get the ball rolling.
~Bitter record cold temps here recently and our first "big" snow of the season fell overnight. People STILL don't know how to drive on snow around here. Busy day at work dispatching calls for idiots in SUV's that thought they were invincible and wound up in ditches all day.
~Learned today that although Carmex is amazing for chapped lips...one ought not use it on a chapped nose rubbed raw by Kleenex and noseblowing. That's all I'm sayin'.
Off to drift into a Nyquil induced coma...I'm off all weekend so hopefully this crap will leave me soon so I can enjoy some of it!
~New Year's Eve service at our "new" church = beautiful. I think we've found our church home.
~I finished up two of the baby sweaters I've been knitting as gifts for a dear friend expecting twins via surrogate. They are adorable! Pictures will be available after I know she's received them (haven't shipped them yet as I still have a couple more surprises up my sleeve for her and her boys!)
~Haven't had AF since going off the pill in November. Apparently I didn't ovulate and am inducing AF with progesterone so we can get the ball rolling.
~Bitter record cold temps here recently and our first "big" snow of the season fell overnight. People STILL don't know how to drive on snow around here. Busy day at work dispatching calls for idiots in SUV's that thought they were invincible and wound up in ditches all day.
~Learned today that although Carmex is amazing for chapped lips...one ought not use it on a chapped nose rubbed raw by Kleenex and noseblowing. That's all I'm sayin'.
Off to drift into a Nyquil induced coma...I'm off all weekend so hopefully this crap will leave me soon so I can enjoy some of it!
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