2012 Reading Challenge

It's time again to sign up for Kristin's annual Book Challenge! In an effort to encourage people to broaden their literary horizons and get us reading more, Kristin has been hosting the Book Challenges for a few years now. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know this is right up my proverbial alley. =)

I love to read. I love books. I've loved reading and books since I learned to read at the age of 3.

However...for the past two years, I have miserably missed my mark on the reading challenges. This is tragic for such a bibliophile as myself.

For 2011, I challenged myself to read 24 books. Sounds easy enough, right? Just two books a month.

Sadly I only read 13 books.

However...

In my defense...

One of them was the Bible.

The WHOLE Bible.

In 90-ish days.

So, I'm satisfied with my reading, even though I "officially" didn't reach my challenge goal, that was a huge personal goal met.

These are the books I read in 2011:

The Holy Bible
I Would If I Could - Betty Miles
Ice Cold - (Rizzoli & Isles) Tess Gerritsen
Love Letters From Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
At Home On Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
A Year On Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
The Help - Kathryn Stockett
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
Change of Heart - Jodi Picoult
The Shortest Distance Between Two Women - Kris Radish
The Keepsake - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Feb '11)
The Mephisto Club - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Jan/Feb '11)
The Bone Garden - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Jan '11)

If you'd like to take part in Kristin's 2012 Reading Challenge, head over to her blog, Dragondreamer's Lair to find out more and sign up for the 2012 Book Challenge!

Happy Reading!!!

Reconciling Infertility and Faith, Part II: My Conclusions

I've been giving this topic a lot of thought since my last post.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to reconcile my feelings about my infertility with my still growing faith in God and my daily walk with Christ. There are so many negative feelings surrounding my infertility fight thus far, and I pray daily for God's guidance in this and many other arenas. I ask Him daily to lead me in the direction in which He wants me to proceed. I try to temper my own desires and wants, to surrender my dreams and follow the nudges, pokes, and sometimes shoves from my Heavenly Father. I still feel confident that my desire to be a mother is a desire given from God. There's no other explanation for it. I don't believe that He would have given me this desire if He didn't have a plan to fulfill it. I just wish, in the small sinful mistrusting secret places in my heart, I wish I knew when that plan was going to come to fruition. And what that plan is. Because also in that small secret place, I have the fear that this will be withheld from me forever. And I also fear that the ache will be there forever.

I pray for the ability to “delight in the Lord” (Ps 37:4), for the ability to relinquish my dream and “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” (Ps 37:7).

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand. That's the hard part for my analytical part of my brain and heart to comprehend. It's hard for me to understand the logistics of NOT understanding. All my life I've endeavored to comprehend, to know WHY. To find out the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Especially when. And why. Such tiny words. Such a huge stumbling block.

I know that when I allow Him to, He can heal the ache in my heart. What I don't understand is why He won't allow my aching heart to be healed by filling my womb. (HUGE AHA MOMENT): maybe that's the lesson? That the two are not interdependent? That this is not a cause and effect situation? Well, for seven years of battling infertility, my womb has been barren. Empty. Unfilled. Unfulfilled. As has my heart. So to me, it stands to reason (in my humanly skewed perception) that the heartache will remain until I am able to conceive or we are able to adopt. Until I am a mother. Is it possible that my happiness and lightness of heart and dare I say JOY isn't and perhaps shouldn't be contingent upon my reproductive status? Perhaps God is waiting for me to realize that true happiness and joy come only from Him and that once I can experience that...then, and maybe only then, can the rest fall into place for child(ren) He has planned for us to be born?

Wow. Talk about HUGE. *(and honestly...I truly had that revelation only as I was typing this...it literally just smacked me in the head).

I know God is enough. I know this life I have is enough. (Why do I have to physically restrain myself from tacking “for now” on the end of those sentences???)

Perhaps this is what I'm supposed to be learning.

Patience.

Courage.

Acceptance.

To live for today, not worrying over yesterday, not trying to over-plan for tomorrow. Trying not to dwell on the tomorrows that I want...but embracing with open arms the tomorrows that God has PLANNED for me.

Maybe there is no reconciliation.

And I think I'm okay with that.

2011 Reading Challenge

Last year I signed up for Kristin's Reading Challenge.  I, being an avid reader and book lover, thought "Hm, no problem!  I read all the time!  I can do this!"  I set my sights on reading a conservative 36 books throughout the year.  I was surprised to find out when I counted them a while ago that I missed that mark terribly.  I only completed 13 books.  That's only 1/3 of my goal.  And it was, compared to the goals of the other challengers, a quite meager goal.

But...

I decided to give myself a break instead of downing myself.  Why?

Because along with those other 13 books, I also read over half of the Bible.  I'm still plodding along, I'm a little stuck right now in my Bible reading.  I'm working on it.  I also took the confirmation class for church which involved a pretty fair amount of reading in itself.

This year I'm aiming for 24 books, plus finishing the Bible cover-to-cover (I'm in Isaiah I believe right now), and reading 2 Lenten devotional/Bible Studies.

If you'd like to join in the 2011 Reading Challenge, head over to Kristin's and sign up!  For those of you wondering...yes, audio books count too!!!  So if you choose to listen instead of read, you can still participate!

Happy Reading!