Acceptance

It amazes me sometimes, how the human heart can grow to accept and embrace our life experiences, and how these experiences...or maybe the acceptance itself...can have such a profound power to change us.

I've only consciously known about my babies, their fleeting existence, and their silent passage from my life for a little over two months.

After having this time to process it all, I can honestly say I am at peace with what has happened. I don't know exactly when this peace came over me. I do know that it took a lot of prayer, tears, and long nights of God working His healing miracles within my heart to get here.

That does not mean I'm not sad. That doesn't mean I don't miss them. I am not by any means happy that I've lost my children. That's just absurd. I am happy...no, not happy. Glad? Maybe relieved is the word...to know that I actually was able to conceive. Apparently more than once. All this time, seven years, I believed that I had never conceived. That I truly was infertile. That we truly were incapable of creating a child. That we were destined to never become parents.

What is still hard for me to reconcile in my mind is that I will never know when they were conceived, what their due dates were, or when I lost them. I don't have those "anniversaries", no matter how morbid or sad some may think they are, to remember. To time-stamp. To mark down in my history. To say definitively "this is when I lost my first baby" or "today was my second baby's due date". I have approximate time frames in my mind when I believe these events occurred, but nothing concrete. I have nothing tangible from my pregnancies, from my lost babies. No positive pee-sticks, no ultrasound pictures, no cute little onesies or baby blankets, nothing. My children were here and gone before even I knew they existed; perfect tiny souls that slipped through me on their path to Heaven.

This not knowing, I've noticed, makes it hard for other people to fully accept my losses as valid or significant. There have been a few (albeit very few) people that have been wonderful in helping me to process all of this. Others, like they've done with the rest of my infertility, would like to gloss over it. Sweep it under the rug. Pretend it never happened. What they don't realize it that while my miscarriages might not have been recent, my grief still very much is. That I may still be hurting. That I may still cry when thinking or talking about my babies. That I need to talk about my babies. Even though my losses occurred what I believe was between four to six years ago, I JUST learned about them. I need and deserve acknowledgement and validation of my feelings just as much as someone who lost their baby six months, six weeks, or six days ago.

I have been changed by the knowledge of my pregnancies and the loss of my children. Not just emotionally, but fundamentally changed. I have been given a gift. That gift is the knowledge that I am a mother. I can hold on to that knowledge for the rest of my life and know that I was able to do something that I had believed for seven years I was incapable of doing. The sad realization of all of this, of course, is that I will have to wait until I get to Heaven to see and hold my babies. Oh how I await that day...

"Sweet babies,

I never truly knew I was carrying you until you were long gone.
I never knew I lost you until now.
I never knew I could miss someone I never knew, that I never felt, that I never held.
But I do, my sweet babies. I do. So much.
I know one of you would have been about five, almost six, years old. The other about three, maybe four.
I think one of you is my precious little girl, and the other, my sweet baby boy.
You are my sweet shooting stars. You were here and gone before we ever knew, yet you have left your mark upon our lives. The path you traced through your fleeting journey from my body to heaven will forever be emblazoned on my heart and soul.
There are so many things I've missed. Holding you. Rocking you to sleep. Nursing you. Sleepless nights, dirty diapers, colic, first fevers and first smiles. First steps. First words. First birthdays and first days of school. Teaching you about the world and discovering the world anew through your eyes.  Watching you both grow from babies to toddlers to childhood. Watching your sweet personalities develop. Are you laid back like your daddy, or more anxious like me? Whose eyes do you have? What color is your hair? What would it feel like to hold your chubby little hands as you toddled up the aisle at church?
My sweet babies, my beautiful shooting stars, I will love you forever and miss you always.
Until we are reunited through God's everlasting grace, I will always be...

Your loving Mommy"

2012 Reading Challenge

It's time again to sign up for Kristin's annual Book Challenge! In an effort to encourage people to broaden their literary horizons and get us reading more, Kristin has been hosting the Book Challenges for a few years now. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know this is right up my proverbial alley. =)

I love to read. I love books. I've loved reading and books since I learned to read at the age of 3.

However...for the past two years, I have miserably missed my mark on the reading challenges. This is tragic for such a bibliophile as myself.

For 2011, I challenged myself to read 24 books. Sounds easy enough, right? Just two books a month.

Sadly I only read 13 books.

However...

In my defense...

One of them was the Bible.

The WHOLE Bible.

In 90-ish days.

So, I'm satisfied with my reading, even though I "officially" didn't reach my challenge goal, that was a huge personal goal met.

These are the books I read in 2011:

The Holy Bible
I Would If I Could - Betty Miles
Ice Cold - (Rizzoli & Isles) Tess Gerritsen
Love Letters From Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
At Home On Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
A Year On Ladybug Farm - Donna Ball
The Help - Kathryn Stockett
The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
Change of Heart - Jodi Picoult
The Shortest Distance Between Two Women - Kris Radish
The Keepsake - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Feb '11)
The Mephisto Club - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Jan/Feb '11)
The Bone Garden - Tess Gerritson (Rizzoli & Isles) (Jan '11)

If you'd like to take part in Kristin's 2012 Reading Challenge, head over to her blog, Dragondreamer's Lair to find out more and sign up for the 2012 Book Challenge!

Happy Reading!!!

International Blog Delurking Week 2012

It's that time again! 

This is the week when we gather up all our courage, take a big deep breath and venture out from behind that screen and say "Hi!  I'm here!  I'm reading you!"
This is your time to make your presence known.
 
I love finding out who is out there, reading from the wings.  Don't be shy!  Leave me a comment, tell me how we "met" and what keeps you reading, ask me a question (I'm pretty much an open book, so be warned...you ask and I answer!) or leave a suggestion of what you would like to see me write more about.  Don't forget to leave a link to your blog so I can return the favor of following you if I don't already.

So come on out, join the fun!  I promise I don't bite.  I don't even nibble.  Unless you're a cute little bunny made out of chocolate.  Then it's game on!  =)
 

Aaaaaaand........GO!

Christmas Themed Meme

I thought I'd take a break from the "serious" blogging for a while and share a fun Christmas-themed meme. Enjoy, and feel free to take for your own blog, if you do, link your post in the comments so I can see your answers as well!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? It honestly depends on the gift. Most of the time I prefer paper, but if it's an odd shaped gift or something squishy that won't hold a shape or anything, then I'll gift bag it.

2. Real tree or Artificial?. I'm an artificial gal, my hubby likes real ones. We've "compromised" (read: I've gotten my way) since we've been married and used artificial...eventually we'll try a real one.

3. When do you put up the tree? It depends. Sometimes the weekend after Thanksgiving, sometimes as late as December 15th. (As I write this we still haven't put ours up, and it's December 18th. Neither one of us are really in the mood for the tree this year though, so it's ok.)

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually after the first week of January.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, I love eggnog!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?My parents were always great at picking out gifts. And they always did all they could to make sure that Santa brought everything he could from our lists. The most memorable were my dollhouse, life sized babydoll, Cabbage Patch doll, and pajamas.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Absolutely.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My husband. He's kinda particular about things he's into. And my Dad. He's near impossible to buy for.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My Mom. She enjoys a lot of the same hobbies and interests as I do, so it's always easy to buy for her!

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, definitely.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I can't say that I've ever received a bad gift. I'm appreciative of everything someone chooses to give me.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Home Alone 1 & 2, A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, The Polar Express, all the old Christmas cartoons (Rudolph, etc).

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I have the money! I'll buy things here and there from about Thanksgiving on.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My Mom's cookies, pumpkin pie.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Again we have to compromise. I like colored, he likes clear.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, O Holy Night.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? The vast majority of my family lives within 35 miles of us so it's not like we really "travel".

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Sure can - Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen...Rudolph.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We rotate each year

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve after we get back from church, the rest Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The commercialism. The "get get get buy buy buy" rush around and stress yourself out mindset. When they put all the Christmas stuff out right after Halloween.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I don't really have a theme. Have a lot of special ornaments...the ones my Mom made while she was pregnant with me, the ones my childhood friend made before she died, some that my stepson has made, and the yearly ornament my husband and I pick out together.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Some gift certificates for knitting supplies and yarn, gift card to the bookstore, a study Bible, and a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.
I would really like (but didn't ask for) an iPad. I don't even need the iPad 2. I'd settle for a gently used plain ol' iPad 1. But we can't afford one right now.

25. What is a family tradition you would like to pass on to your significant other / children? Baking Christmas cookies together, visiting light displays, attending the Candlelight Christmas Eve service at church, stopping at our favorite local greasy spoon diner for midnight breakfast after church, "adopting" a family through our church.



Love,

Rebecca

Wandering through the mists...

I feel like that's what I've been doing the past week or so. Since I found out my bloodwork results and had the D&C, I feel like I've been standing behind a curtain of mist watching these events. I'm sure it's my head attempting to protect my heart; funny how the mind works sometimes.

(FYI the D&C went fine, I'll post more on that later).

I've talked at length with my Mom and husband about the "probable miscarriage" issue. We all agree it explains a lot in retrospect. I had several episodes of severe pain and bleeding after failed cycles. These were the times I truly believed I was pregnant. I had a very very faint BFP on one cycle...but it couldn't be confirmed because I started my period (or so I thought) before I could get a beta drawn. I always thought that it was a false positive because I tested again the next day and it was negative. I must have caught it at the tail end of dropping. I had called my doctor during these episodes, but they told me not to be concerned about it, that if I was testing negative and bleeding it was probably "just a heavy period". I could kick myself for not listening to my gut more.

I don't know 100% for sure that I did miscarry. I don't know 100% sure that I didn't. Truly, as my mom and husband both said, only God knows the truth at this point.

I was afraid to tell my husband about the probability of these miscarriages because he always said that he didn't want to try anymore if we got pregnant and lost it. He didn't want us going through that. We talked about the blood clotting issues and MTHFR, and he even said that the episodes make a lot more sense given this new information. I didn't know how he would react, but he surprised me. He took it extremely well. He was sad, and he said he wishes that it wouldn't have happened, but that he's glad we found out several years after the fact instead of when it was happening. I don't know if I agree with that or not. It makes sense in a way, because being removed from it by several years, it doesn't have the strong emotional trauma of knowing while it's occurring. However...it also makes it harder in a way. It's almost like trying to get someone to believe in a repressed memory that only I can remember. Although, in all honesty, I don't care if anyone other than my inner circle of family and friends believes it. I wish in a way I had known at the time. I wish I had the opportunity to know I was pregnant. I wish I would have been allowed to mourn them. I wish others could have shared in my grief. I wish there was a way I could acknowledge and honor them without feeling like a fraud. I feel like since I was never "confirmed" to be pregnant, I'm not "allowed" to claim losses. I have to be honest, knowing it's possible that I've miscarried brings a sense of closure to the intense questioning and grief and sense of emptiness I've felt for seven years. Almost as if I've received validation through a simple quick blood test. The reason I've felt so broken, so lost, the reason I've felt such a huge hole in my heart is because I have lost my children. I've always said I miss my children, but that they just hadn't been conceived yet.

I know now that they were. They existed.

I miss my babies. I will always miss my babies.

However, I know that God is watching over them for me until I can meet them in Heaven.

More updates...

Wow, where do I begin?

Since I last posted, so much has happened. 

My D&C is still on for tomorrow (actually later today, since I'm posting this at 12:30 am!).  It's scheduled for 4:30 pm.  I'm a little less concerned about the actual procedure and more worried about what they will find when the tissue and everything is sent off to be biopsied. 

I received a call from the doctor on Sunday evening (yep, see how dedicated this new doc is?  Called me himself on a Sunday night!) telling me he wanted to discuss the results of my bloodwork.  He said it was "interesting, and explains a lot".  I was actually at work, so I called him right back, and was totally not expecting to hear what I heard.  Basically, my body is one giant baby killing machine. :(

The results of the RPL panel showed I'm positive for:
     ~Lupus Anticoagulant
     ~Anticardiolipin Syndrome
     ~Compound Heterozygous MTHFR mutation

Sounds fun, huh?

Not so much. 

The Lupus anticoagulant and anticardiolipin syndrome (from what I've read in the small amount of research I've been able to do since hearing the news) are the two most common Antiphospholipid Antibodies (APL's), basically blood clotting disorders that cause blood clots all through various places in the body and are a primary cause of miscarriages. 
The MTHFR mutation I'm gathering is a mutation of an enzyme that breaks down homocysteine, which is an amino acid.  Elevated homocysteine levels are associated with fetal neural tube defects, blood clots, strokes, and miscarriage.

He told me again that having gastric bypass is a must for me.  This news of the blood clotting issues, my weight, my blood pressure (it's been running high lately...go figure, all this stress!), and other factors, he's extremely concerned of heart attack or stroke.  I've been talking with my family and close friends, and everyone is supportive of the weight loss surgery.  I'm all for it.  However...things can never be easy for me.  I called my insurance company to see what the requirements were to get it covered and was told that gastric bypass was an "employer excluded" benefit.  My insurance itself covers it (after jumping through hoops and red tape of course), but my employer chose NOT to have that particular benefit on our policy.  So there is no way, no how, no sir, that they will pay for it.  I'm just devastated.  I cannot pay for it.  We cannot get a loan for it.  And now I'm told that because my employer chose not to have that benefit, my insurance won't cover it.  My doctor is adamant that this is a lifesaving issue.  I have no idea where to go from here. 

I also am in a very strange place regarding the pregnancy loss issue.  All this time, I've believed I've never been pregnant.  I've thought "maybe" a few times...but it's never been confirmed.  Now someone is telling me that due to my history and these bloodwork results that he's convinced that I've probably had at least one miscarriage, if not more.  I don't know where to go with that.  I don't know where I fit, you know?  I'm not definitively sure I've ever been pregnant.  I'm not definitively sure I've had a miscarriage, yet all the evidence is indicating that I probably have.  I'm in that weird space where nothing is concrete, yet everything weighs a ton.  I don't know how to process it all yet.  It's going to take some time, that's for sure. 

Please keep me in your prayers while I figure all this out.  I sincerely appreciate it.

Love,
Rebecca

Update and prayer request

Hello readers.  I am sorry for being MIA for so long again.  Time and life get away from me and I never seem to be able to find the time to blog anymore.  I do read your blogs, mostly from my iPhone, and commenting is a pain from that.  Please know I'm still following you and your journeys, and sending you support when you need it. 

But, today I'm here to ask for the support. 

I had a consultation today with a very prominent fertility specialist here in St. Louis today.  The consultation itself was fine, he is wonderful, and I feel it's a good fit for me there.  However there were several things that I was told that concern me.

First of all, during the exam he found "at least one" polyp in my uterus.  He can't tell if there are more because my lining was almost double the thickness it should be.  The maximum they like it to be is between 12-14mm.  Mine is almost 20mm.  So, I have to have a D&C to remove the lining and polyp(s).  It could be as soon as next Wednesday.  They only do the surgery on Wednesdays.  I should hear something in the next couple of days.

Second of all, he wants me to have weight loss surgery.  He said given my age, history, previous treatments and other personal factors, he believes IVF is our only option for children.  And that at my weight I'm not a candidate.  He usually gives weight loss drugs first, but I can't take them due to a previous adverse reaction.  So he recommends weight loss surgery.  Soon. 

He is also running a LOT of bloodwork.  PCOS, thyroid, ovarian reserve, recurrent pregnancy loss, and a bunch more. 

Yes, I said recurrent pregnancy loss. 

Given the previous fertility treatments we did, and my family history of infertility and pregnancy loss, he believes I might have actually had at least one very early miscarriage and not known it.  So he wants me tested for the RPL panel. 

I'm pretty numb right now. 

I'm scared.  Of the surgeries, and of everything else.

All I can do is leave it in God's hands and pray...and ask you to do the same for me. 

I'll update when I can.

Love,

Me