Right Now I'm...
Reading: The Fiery Cross (Outlander Series, #5) by Diana Gabaldon. Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. Captivating: Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldridge. Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young.
Just finished re-reading The Shack by William Paul Young and waiting to see the movie with my Mom.
Watching: Just watched the series finale of Bones the other night. I was seriously bummed when I heard this was the final season. I've loved Bones since the first episode, and loved the books the series was based on as well. Getting ready to cue up last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy...although, after the heartwrenching episode last week I'm not sure if I should or not! (Major Daddy dying triggers in the last episode.) Have you seen This Is Us? If you haven't, you're seriously missing out! I think it's the most real show I've seen in forever. There was not a single episode that didn't touch me in some way, shape, or form. There were definitely a lot of emotional triggers in the whole season, but in a weird way, each episode helped me deal with "something". Just watch it. Seriously.
Following: Daniel Euan Henderson on YouTube. I think I stumbled upon a video of his on Facebook one time and I've been a fan ever since. He's an adorable Scottish guy who does these short "motivational" videos. He's a riot! He also has some serious videos about depression, anxiety, and overcoming your own obstacles. And his accent! Just go watch him!
Eating: A lot healthier! That will be a series of posts in an of itself, but suffice it to say I've been improving my eating habits in order to heal some chronic health issues I've been dealing with. All in all, it's going pretty well. More on that later!
Wearing: Sweatpants, a t-shirt, and warm fuzzy socks. I'm on vacation, I can wear what I want!
Recuperating: Mentally and emotionally, still from Daddy's death. I have years' worth of writing to do on that topic, trust me. I will eventually get around to putting all my feelings into words here. I just need a bit of time. Physically, my back and knee are getting a tad bit better, mainly from my better eating, more activity, and some good pain pills (finally!).
Wondering: How many readers I have and what I'll post next...
Looking Forward: To the next TWELVE days of vacation time!!!
Enjoying: Not having to go to work for the next twelve days! hahaha
Planning: Lots of work around the house for the next twelve days of vacation. My mom and I will be getting some things organized, pictures hung (finally...we've only lived here two and a half years already and don't have a damn thing hung up!), the garden started, flowerbeds and memory garden built...so many things I'm tired just thinking about it!
I stole this little meme from my friend to get me back in the groove of blogging again.
Thanks for reading!
Have a great Friday night!
Rebecca
April 7, 2017
March 26, 2017
My Dad
May 12, 2015.
The day my world was forever changed.
That was the day my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer.
Three months and fourteen days later, on August 26, 2015 at 3:50 p.m. my precious Daddy took his last breath and died.
I haven't been able to find a way to get myself to write about it until now, and even now it's hard to get the words from my heart and brain into the keyboard and onto the screen.
I talk about his death in person and on Facebook all the time. But to actually sit down and write about his diagnosis, illness, and death? For some reason it's been nearly impossible for me to make myself do that.
I recently started seeing a counselor to help me deal with my ongoing grief and some other issues. She suggested it might be time to start writing about Dad.
So here I am.
Starting small.
The day my world was forever changed.
That was the day my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer.
Three months and fourteen days later, on August 26, 2015 at 3:50 p.m. my precious Daddy took his last breath and died.
I haven't been able to find a way to get myself to write about it until now, and even now it's hard to get the words from my heart and brain into the keyboard and onto the screen.
I talk about his death in person and on Facebook all the time. But to actually sit down and write about his diagnosis, illness, and death? For some reason it's been nearly impossible for me to make myself do that.
I recently started seeing a counselor to help me deal with my ongoing grief and some other issues. She suggested it might be time to start writing about Dad.
So here I am.
Starting small.
My Daddy died.
Damn it how I miss him.
Like a bad penny...I keep turning up.
So, I haven't dusted off the old blog and posted in what seems like forever. About three and a half or four years.
So much has happened, but there's really no way to catch up on every little detail, so I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to start fresh and post when I can. Not like anyone still reads this thing anyway. =)
But, in the off chance that there is still anyone out there, here I am.
So much has happened, but there's really no way to catch up on every little detail, so I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to start fresh and post when I can. Not like anyone still reads this thing anyway. =)
But, in the off chance that there is still anyone out there, here I am.
November 8, 2013
The Crappy Day...
Today’s been a shitty day…literally.
I woke up early…three hours before the alarm to be exact. At first I was a little peeved because it’s my weekend off, after getting up at 4:15 am all week, I wanted to sleep in. Hubby had a doctor’s appointment (more on that later) and I was going to take him so I could also talk to the doctor about a couple of things as well. We see the same doctor, so it makes it easy! Well, 6 am came and my eyes popped open and there I was. All awake and not a lick of “sleeping-in” was to be seen. So I played around on my phone for a little bit, checking Facebook, Twitter, sending a few words in Words with Friends, played a bit of Candy Crush, you know the drill, until my bladder couldn’t hold out any longer and I HAD to get up out of my nice warm bed. Hubby was sleeping nicely, so I decided to throw a load of laundry in and take advantage of a little quiet time before he got up. So there I was, in the middle of my breathing treatment, when I hear hubby bounding down the hallway yelling “turn the washer off, turn the washer off, TURN THE WASHER OFF!!!”
Part of me wanted to look at him and say “I’m sorry, do I need to turn the washer OFF?”…however the look on his face made me think twice.
Apparently, the issues we’ve been having with our septic system were not resolved by the landlord having the tank pumped like he thought. Apparently, the whole system was clogged to high Heaven and back, because the water from the washer draining caused the toilet AND bathtub in to back up. And overflow. Onto the bathroom floor. And my pretty bathroom rug. And my gorgeous shower curtain I love. Not just any old water. Sewage water. Sew. Age. Use your imagination…and it was probably worse
.
So…my day was spent between shopvac-ing the poop water off the bathroom floor, cleaning the crap out of everything (literally), and waiting for the landlord to come to fix the plumbing. He finally got here and augured every drain in the apartment (including going onto the roof and snaking out the vent stack?). The toilet works like a charm and the drains run faster than Forrest Gump going for a touchdown. However. Now my washer is FUBARED. Apparently when I had to stop it in the middle of the spin cycle, it got a little pissed at me and now refuses to work. We think the drive belt came off or something like that. It makes all the appropriate noises (plus a really loud grinding one) but the tub goes nowhere. And now I have a washer full of wet clothes and six more loads waiting because of course with this being my weekend off, it was laundry day. Tomorrow morning it will be loaded up and transported to Mommy and Daddy’s house (thank God they only live 5 miles away!) so I can do all my laundry there.
Oh yeah, the doctor’s appointments. Poor hubby came down with the gunk I had, and he was not improving even after two rounds of antibiotics and other over the counter remedies. He started having some trouble breathing yesterday, being really short of breath and wheezy, so he called to get in to get looked at today. Our doctor took one listen to him and said “yep, lungs are full!” He got a lovely little steroid shot and another round of a stronger antibiotic plus some good cough medicine to help him clear his lungs up. Crazy thing is our doctor is sick with it too! She’s on her second round of antibiotics and still sounds and feels terrible! Seriously, whatever precautions you need to take to avoid getting this respiratory shit this year, DO IT! It’s bad bad juju!
While we were there I asked her about my recent asthma diagnosis and what we should plan on doing for it since I’m pretty much over the pneumonia/bronchitis/avian swine zombie flu. It wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but she’s the doctor. She wants to just play it by ear and see how things go with just a rescue inhaler to keep on hand if I have symptoms of a flare up (wheezing, shortness of breath, excessive coughing). I have the nebulizer and enough medication for six breathing treatments if I need them, but she wants to see how “serious” my asthma is without having to be on a daily medication. She said if I find myself needing a breathing treatment more than twice a week or using the rescue inhaler more than twice a day to call her and we will then talk about what kind of daily maintenance drug (such as Advair or other inhaled anti-inflammatory/corticosteroid) we will use. I guess that’s good…one less medication to have to be on, but it also kind of worries me. I just wanted to know that she is taking it seriously. I mean, she’s my doctor, she takes my conditions seriously, but well, I don’t know what I mean. LOL
Well, I have a few more things I want to write about, but I think I’ll sign off for tonight and leave those for another post over the weekend. We're supposed to go down to hubby's friend's house tomorrow evening for a "make up" bonfire (they had one two weeks ago that I had to miss because I was so sick), and then Sunday we'll be going to church, I'll be donating blood at a local blood drive, and prepping for the week ahead! What's on deck for your weekend? Anything fun?
Now, though, it's time for some knitting and Doctor Who!!!
I woke up early…three hours before the alarm to be exact. At first I was a little peeved because it’s my weekend off, after getting up at 4:15 am all week, I wanted to sleep in. Hubby had a doctor’s appointment (more on that later) and I was going to take him so I could also talk to the doctor about a couple of things as well. We see the same doctor, so it makes it easy! Well, 6 am came and my eyes popped open and there I was. All awake and not a lick of “sleeping-in” was to be seen. So I played around on my phone for a little bit, checking Facebook, Twitter, sending a few words in Words with Friends, played a bit of Candy Crush, you know the drill, until my bladder couldn’t hold out any longer and I HAD to get up out of my nice warm bed. Hubby was sleeping nicely, so I decided to throw a load of laundry in and take advantage of a little quiet time before he got up. So there I was, in the middle of my breathing treatment, when I hear hubby bounding down the hallway yelling “turn the washer off, turn the washer off, TURN THE WASHER OFF!!!”
Part of me wanted to look at him and say “I’m sorry, do I need to turn the washer OFF?”…however the look on his face made me think twice.
Apparently, the issues we’ve been having with our septic system were not resolved by the landlord having the tank pumped like he thought. Apparently, the whole system was clogged to high Heaven and back, because the water from the washer draining caused the toilet AND bathtub in to back up. And overflow. Onto the bathroom floor. And my pretty bathroom rug. And my gorgeous shower curtain I love. Not just any old water. Sewage water. Sew. Age. Use your imagination…and it was probably worse
.
So…my day was spent between shopvac-ing the poop water off the bathroom floor, cleaning the crap out of everything (literally), and waiting for the landlord to come to fix the plumbing. He finally got here and augured every drain in the apartment (including going onto the roof and snaking out the vent stack?). The toilet works like a charm and the drains run faster than Forrest Gump going for a touchdown. However. Now my washer is FUBARED. Apparently when I had to stop it in the middle of the spin cycle, it got a little pissed at me and now refuses to work. We think the drive belt came off or something like that. It makes all the appropriate noises (plus a really loud grinding one) but the tub goes nowhere. And now I have a washer full of wet clothes and six more loads waiting because of course with this being my weekend off, it was laundry day. Tomorrow morning it will be loaded up and transported to Mommy and Daddy’s house (thank God they only live 5 miles away!) so I can do all my laundry there.
Oh yeah, the doctor’s appointments. Poor hubby came down with the gunk I had, and he was not improving even after two rounds of antibiotics and other over the counter remedies. He started having some trouble breathing yesterday, being really short of breath and wheezy, so he called to get in to get looked at today. Our doctor took one listen to him and said “yep, lungs are full!” He got a lovely little steroid shot and another round of a stronger antibiotic plus some good cough medicine to help him clear his lungs up. Crazy thing is our doctor is sick with it too! She’s on her second round of antibiotics and still sounds and feels terrible! Seriously, whatever precautions you need to take to avoid getting this respiratory shit this year, DO IT! It’s bad bad juju!
While we were there I asked her about my recent asthma diagnosis and what we should plan on doing for it since I’m pretty much over the pneumonia/bronchitis/avian swine zombie flu. It wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but she’s the doctor. She wants to just play it by ear and see how things go with just a rescue inhaler to keep on hand if I have symptoms of a flare up (wheezing, shortness of breath, excessive coughing). I have the nebulizer and enough medication for six breathing treatments if I need them, but she wants to see how “serious” my asthma is without having to be on a daily medication. She said if I find myself needing a breathing treatment more than twice a week or using the rescue inhaler more than twice a day to call her and we will then talk about what kind of daily maintenance drug (such as Advair or other inhaled anti-inflammatory/corticosteroid) we will use. I guess that’s good…one less medication to have to be on, but it also kind of worries me. I just wanted to know that she is taking it seriously. I mean, she’s my doctor, she takes my conditions seriously, but well, I don’t know what I mean. LOL
Well, I have a few more things I want to write about, but I think I’ll sign off for tonight and leave those for another post over the weekend. We're supposed to go down to hubby's friend's house tomorrow evening for a "make up" bonfire (they had one two weeks ago that I had to miss because I was so sick), and then Sunday we'll be going to church, I'll be donating blood at a local blood drive, and prepping for the week ahead! What's on deck for your weekend? Anything fun?
Now, though, it's time for some knitting and Doctor Who!!!
November 5, 2013
Want some cheese with that "whine"?
No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...it just feels like that some days!
I'm fighting my way back from a hellacious bout of bronchitis and pneumonia...it's been hanging on for almost three weeks now. To say it's been "hard" or "exhausting" is an understatement. I was out of work for almost two weeks (so long I ran out of sick time...no sick time = no pay! I was already over $400 short on my paycheck as it was from missing work so there was no way we could survive if I missed more). I'm slowly...and I do mean slowly...recovering. I'm so exhausted, physically and emotionally, from all of this. I'm used to getting knocked down by colds and flu, but I can usually overcome them pretty quick. This has knocked me on my ass, backed up, ran over me, backed up again and parked it's nasty self directly in my lungs. And on top of the sinus infection/bronchitis/pneumonia, my doctor diagnosed me with asthma as well. She actually believes that is the underlying cause of why this hit me so hard. She thinks I've probably had it for a while, a few years at least, but since I haven't ever really complained of any major symptoms (other than a lot of wheezing during exertion or when I'm sick), we never diagnosed it. She's pretty sure that since my lungs are already compromised from the asthma, it was a perfect storm for this crap to attack me so hard. I've done two rounds of antibiotics, two rounds of steroids (AKA crazyinabottle) more DayQuil and NyQuil than any person's liver and kidneys should have to metabolize in a lifetime, and was sent home with my own handy dandy little nebulizer for breathing treatments 4x a day. It's been 19 days and I'm STILL worn out and have to be careful not to overdo it otherwise I end up wheezing and huffing and puffing like a crazy person. I have I think 4 or 5 days left on the breathing treatments, then I'll meet with my doctor to set up a long-term plan for the asthma diagnosis.
I've really tried hard not to complain while I've been sick, but it's been so hard. I just want to feel better. I want to BREATHE! I want to be able to walk from the couch to the bathroom without having to take a hit off the inhaler because the exertion is causing my lungs to spasm. I am so bone tired, and so very tired of BEING tired. I live with chronic pain due to my back (which ironically hasn't hurt a lick since I've been on steroids!), but this is a totally different kind of incapacitated. I feel like people think I'm "milking" this illness...that I "should" be better by now. So I feel guilty when I keep saying I'm still worn out, having trouble breathing, and generally still sick. It has done NOTHING to help the anxiety and depression I deal with on a daily basis anyway. I've had a few really bad days, sitting on the couch in tears because I'm so depressed that I just want to FEEL BETTER!!! Don't get me wrong, there has been minor improvement. I can finally breathe through my nose again. I can wear my CPAP so I can sleep again. (I went about 4 or 5 days in the beginning when I didn't sleep at all because I had so much trouble breathing. Those were fun days I tell ya.) But I'm still just so damn worn out. And I'm sick of being sick. And my husband got sick too...of course. So, you know who got to take care of him while I was still sick, which didn't make me feel any better at all!
Hopefully within the next week or so this will all be a thing of the past and I can move on with getting the asthma under control and back on track to my FABULOUS BY FORTY plan and training for the Chance to Hope 5K...which sadly has gone nowhere lately. :(
That's about all for now...just a quick catch up and hello. I'm hoping to get back in the swing of this blogging thing...I've missed it, but still sometimes feel it's kind of pointless because I really have nothing of interest to say.
Hope whoever's reading is doing well!
June 3, 2013
New post on the new crafty blog!
Head on over to Sticks and Strings and Sewing Things for all the knitting updates you never knew you always wanted!
I'll be back tomorrow to update here on all the other non crafty stuff going on around here!
Love,
Rebecca
I'll be back tomorrow to update here on all the other non crafty stuff going on around here!
Love,
Rebecca
May 29, 2013
Come visit my new crafty blog!
Hey friends! I decided to start a new blog to journal my knitting/sewing/crafty/DIY projects...and to keep the focus of this blog more on what it was originally intended, my journey through infertility, faith, life, and marriage.
Come see my new blog (no thrilling crafty posts up yet, but there will be soon!)
And yes, you're welcome for that earworm. 10 points for anyone who can name the vulgar rap song the title reminds me of!
Love y'all!
Rebecca
February 9, 2013
Returning...and remembering
It always feels weird returning to the ol' blog after an absence. I don't know why. I guess I feel there won't be anyone left reading, or anyone interested enough to stick with me through these breaks in blogging. But, truthfully, I don't blog for others...not to the extent that some do. Sure, I want people to be interested in what I read, I want them to come back, I want to "inspire" in some way my readers, and I want this blog to be useful to me and others. But my blog has always been an outlet for the crazy mixed up jumble of thoughts and emotions I've dealt with as we've trudged through infertility, miscarriage, and life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my readers and really really want you to continue to read...just please abide with me through the quiet times.
The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.
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My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her. She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.
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My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th. She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body. Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia). At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma. Her Bible was one of them. I thumbed through it at the visitation. It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin. There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout. It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well. I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it. I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did. (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have. I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young. My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's. I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day. I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over. For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own. My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me. I was floored and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't believe I was holding it again. I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August. He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job. The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar. We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have. He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly. Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.
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My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's. I HATE IT!!! I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease. She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated. She sleeps most of the day. She rarely eats. She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk. She cannot do anything for herself. My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore. My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general). She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal. She can't respond to questions. When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish. Once in a great while she will respond to me. It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love. She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me. Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting. (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!) I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you"...to which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm". About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!). The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"! I laughed all the way home! This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home. She has no real quality of life. She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her. We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago. What is carrying on now is simply her body. Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between... What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother. The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother. She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her. My heart breaks every day for her. Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny. As devastating as it will be for me to lose her (truly...it will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this. There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.
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So...that's where I'm at right now. There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now. And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!
I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!
The past few months have been weird...hard in some ways, good in others, challenging in all ways.
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My friend I mentioned in my last post has continued to fight like a dog against her cancer, and chemo has taken one Hell of a toll on her. She and her husband have a deep faith in God, and prayer and a strong community of supportive family and friends are getting them through. Please continue to pray for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My paternal Grandma passed away on December 13th. She had been in a nursing home for several years, suffered from Parkinson's Disease, and had recently begun having mini-strokes due to a large amount of blood clots that were forming in her body. Her passing was extremely hard on me, I was very close with her from a young age and used to stay with her during the summers for weeks at a time, up until I was a teenager. She was a woman of tremendous faith. Her main goal in life, as we all knew, was to get Home to be with Jesus, her parents, and her son (my father's twin who died at 13 days old of pneumonia). At the funeral, they displayed some of her belongings that she always had with her and that reminded us all of Grandma. Her Bible was one of them. I thumbed through it at the visitation. It was riddled with underlining, highlighting and notes in the margin. There were handwritten notes about her favorite verses and notes she took during sermons at church tucked here and there throughout. It was so awesome to see through these notes how she viewed and lived her faith, and I was shocked to see that a lot of the verses she had underlined and highlighted as her favorite verses were MY favorite verses as well. I so very much wanted to take her Bible after the funeral, but one of my cousins apparently requested it before I did and was given it. I'm sad because I would have loved to page through it once in a while and feel close to her again like I once did. (A neat side story...years ago when Grandma was moved into the nursing home, she gave us grandchildren some of her jewelry and personal items she thought we would like to have. I received a pair of diamond earrings that apparently I had given her (via my parents, I'm sure) when I was young. My sister received her mustard seed necklace that my Dad gave to her when he was a teenager or mid 20's. I remember Grandma wearing that mustard seed necklace every day. I used to sit on her lap and run my fingers over it and ask her to tell me the story of the mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) over and over and over. For Christmas I asked for a mustard seed necklace of my own. My sister, knowing how much it would mean to me, brought Grandma's to the funeral and gave it to me. I was floored and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't believe I was holding it again. I am so happy to have Grandma's mustard seed necklace, and I love how every time I wear it I feel like I'm a kid again, sitting in her soft squishy lap (we're all fluffy on that side of the family!), with her strong arms around me, telling me again with such love in her voice about the story of Jesus and faith the size of a mustard seed.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt is still looking for work after his graduation in August. He had a job lined up, but there were some serious issues that came up that we just were not comfortable with, and he ultimately had to decline the job. The issues put him in a position that went against our morals and values, and we were not willing to compromise those for the almighty dollar. We are still getting by living on my salary alone, but still praying that God will lead him to the job he is meant to have. He does have several more leads, and puts out resumes weekly. Please keep him in your prayers for his employment.
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My Granny, (my maternal grandmother), is still declining because of the Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's. I HATE IT!!! I despise seeing my precious Granny, once so bright eyed and vivacious, a tiny spitfire of a woman, wasting away from this blasted disease. She has been getting worse over the past few months, and we've had to have her transported to the hospital by ambulance twice because my mom couldn't wake her up for over 24 hours and she was unresponsive and dehydrated. She sleeps most of the day. She rarely eats. She can't walk very well anymore, and she is very unsteady when she does walk. She cannot do anything for herself. My mom bathes her, cleans her after the toilet, dresses her, brushes her teeth, combs her hair, and sometimes even has to feed her when she just can't grasp how to do it anymore. My heart breaks every time I see her (which is usually once or twice a week...I give mom a break once in a while and provide "respite" care so she can go out with my dad or out to lunch with a friend, or just out in general). She has lost so much weight and is so fragile, and is basically non-verbal. She can't respond to questions. When she does, which is rarely, it's usually gibberish. Once in a great while she will respond to me. It's strange...we have this odd connection which I love. She still recognizes me, but doesn't know who I am or my name, but she "knows" me. Her eyes light up when I come in, and she either says "HI!" or mutters some gibberish which I assume is a greeting. (At this point, I'll take anything, as long as she's responsive!) I always, ALWAYS, kiss her on the forehead when I leave and say "I'll see you later Granny, I love you"...to which she will occasionally murmur "mmmhmmm". About every 4th or 5th time I'm there and I say this to her, she will open her eyes and say "Okay, good to see you", or "I love you too" (which MELTS ME!!!). The other day I was there and she actually looked me in the eye and said "Ok, be careful"! I laughed all the way home! This sounds horrible, but sometimes I pray for God to take her Home. She has no real quality of life. She sleeps 90% of the day, she is dependent on my mom for 100% of her daily needs, and she really has no idea of who she is or what's going on around her. We lost "Granny", who she was, what made her HER, years ago. What is carrying on now is simply her body. Yes, she has snippets of lucidity...but they are so few and far between... What I really wish for is a break for my poor mother. The only life she has right now is serving my grandmother. She considers it her duty, her call, but I see how hard it is for her. My heart breaks every day for her. Please, pray for us, and for my sweet beloved Granny. As devastating as it will be for me to lose her (truly...it will break my heart in a million pieces)...I can't stand seeing her like this. There is no dignity in Alzheimer's, it truly is one of the worst things a person can witness in this life.
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So...that's where I'm at right now. There's some other things going on...but I think I've taken enough time for now. And since I'm feeling the need to go hold Grandma's necklace and look at pictures of me and Granny...I'll sign off for the night!
I hope you're all well...and I promise I will be back soon!
November 6, 2012
A Plea For Help
I usually don't use my blog in this manner, but I feel compelled to do so this time.
Many of you remember me posting about my friend from high school that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. We heard that it was not as bad as they originally thought, right?
Well, that is wrong. Turns out it is much WORSE than originally thought.
My friend is the sweetest person you'd ever dream of meeting. She is just one of those genuinely NICE people...and it breaks my heart to know she's going through this. She has already cut off her gorgeous long hair in preparation for the inevitable hair loss from chemo and donated it to Locks of Love.
Friday will be her first chemotherapy treatment. Due to the type of cancer she has (a particularly nasty aggressive high-chance-of-recurring-high-mortality-rate type), she will be undergoing extremely aggressive chemo, and then aggressive radiation following that. She is a school music teacher and runs a small music studio with her husband, and she has been informed that she has to quit working during chemo because of immunodeficiency. So, in addition to dealing with the emotional and physical ramifications of cancer, chemo and radiation, Mouse and her husband also have to deal with the loss of half of their income during this time. Add to this the medical bills that are already starting to pile up, and well...it just sucks. I heard that her husband was looking into selling their home in order to make ends meet.
A friend of theirs has set up a donation website (which I'm glad they did because I was going to organize one if someone didn't soon) to help Mouse and her husband with the staggering medical bills and daily living expenses so they can focus on her health. Click HERE to help. Even a gift of $5 helps.
If you feel moved to do so, please donate. If you do not, or cannot, I understand. Something as simple as saying prayers for them is a huge support.
Thank you!
Many of you remember me posting about my friend from high school that was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. We heard that it was not as bad as they originally thought, right?
Well, that is wrong. Turns out it is much WORSE than originally thought.
My friend is the sweetest person you'd ever dream of meeting. She is just one of those genuinely NICE people...and it breaks my heart to know she's going through this. She has already cut off her gorgeous long hair in preparation for the inevitable hair loss from chemo and donated it to Locks of Love.
Friday will be her first chemotherapy treatment. Due to the type of cancer she has (a particularly nasty aggressive high-chance-of-recurring-high-mortality-rate type), she will be undergoing extremely aggressive chemo, and then aggressive radiation following that. She is a school music teacher and runs a small music studio with her husband, and she has been informed that she has to quit working during chemo because of immunodeficiency. So, in addition to dealing with the emotional and physical ramifications of cancer, chemo and radiation, Mouse and her husband also have to deal with the loss of half of their income during this time. Add to this the medical bills that are already starting to pile up, and well...it just sucks. I heard that her husband was looking into selling their home in order to make ends meet.
A friend of theirs has set up a donation website (which I'm glad they did because I was going to organize one if someone didn't soon) to help Mouse and her husband with the staggering medical bills and daily living expenses so they can focus on her health. Click HERE to help. Even a gift of $5 helps.
If you feel moved to do so, please donate. If you do not, or cannot, I understand. Something as simple as saying prayers for them is a huge support.
Thank you!
October 23, 2012
The Beauty In Autumn
Many people see Autumn as a dreary, depressing season. The days feel shorter, it gets dark earlier, the leaves fall and the plants die. It's colder, we have to pack away the shorts, tank tops, capris and flip-flops to make room for sweatpants, long sleeved flannel shirts, warm shoes, boots and hoodies. Most people bemoan the coming of October and this season of dying off.
I, always being the odd woman out, couldn't be more opposite.
I LOVE Autumn.
I haven't always felt this way, but over the last 10 or so years, something has switched over in me and I simply adore autumn.
I love everything about it.
Cooler temperatures, changing and falling leaves, fires on chilly evenings, hot cocoa and snuggling under a blanket, roasting marshmallows, candy corn, sweaters, hand knit socks, scarves, pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING!, rosy cheeks and chilly noses, Thanksgiving, caramel apples, the smell of fall baking.
But there's more, much more to it than all that.
I never feel more alive, more optimistic, more full of promise than I do in the fall. The sunlight always seems brighter, the world more vibrant, more...alive somehow.
I know, it sounds strange in a season where everything is dying off and preparing to hibernate for the winter to feel alive and full of promise.
I feel that it's more of a time to recharge. To slow down. To be remade. To remake what has become worn and broken. The earth uses fall as a season of rest; vegetation dies off so the roots can recharge and rest before the spring season of growth. I see this also as a time of sloughing off what has become old, unuseful, worn and broken within ourselves. It's a time for slowing down. A time for looking inward, for making room for new growth to take root and bloom.
We all receive gifts from God, whether we know it or choose to acknowledge them.
I think one of my gifts is seeing the life in the dying, the renewing of the old, the beauty in the waning.
And for that, I am most grateful.
October 18, 2012
The Good, The Bad, and The Not-So-Ugly (Updates in Brief)
Just thought I'd drop by and update you all on what's been going on around here. Since my last post, there have been quite a few developments...and most of them good! (I'm not saying this too loud...)
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
The Good:
*My friend from work is recovering! Praise God! She is out of the coma, responsive and improving. They did have to put a trach in, because they couldn't leave the breathing tube in for more than two weeks. Something about further damage to her throat and vocal chords. The last I heard is that she is responding appropriately to verbal commands (give us a thumbs up, move your left foot, etc), actually out of bed and sitting in a chair, and coherent and responding well. Please continue your prayers for her and her family as she obviously still has a long way to go.
*My friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer found out that her cancer in fact DID NOT spread beyond her lymph nodes!!! Another Praise God!!! It did spread to some of the nodes, but they were able to remove them all and it didn't break through to the bloodstream. She will begin radiation in November and won't need chemo at all! AMEN!!!
The Bad:
*Matt still hasn't heard anything from the interview, and he believes they chose someone else for the position. He is struggling with some (I believe) depression surrounding this, and I ask for prayers for him. He has been sending out applications and resumes daily, and has been diligent about following up with the labs he's applied at. We knew it wouldn't be a quick process for him to find a job, but we were *hoping* it wouldn't be this long. We are trying to be patient, and trust that God has a perfect job waiting for the right time.
*My Dad has been suffering from unexplained and uncontrollable nosebleeds for a few weeks. He has had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital twice when they couldn't stop the bleeding. Each time, his blood pressure has been extremely elevated (last time it was 240/190...that's stroke range folks). Each time they were able to get his blood pressure stabilized and the bleeding stopped, cauterized a vessel in his nose and sent him home with a balloon thingie in his nose to keep pressure on the vessel so it wouldn't bleed again. He went to the doctor yesterday and they finally put him on BP medication with a strict order to decrease his salt intake and lose some weight. I'm so scared for him I can't even see straight. He's four months from retiring, and I am afraid that if he doesn't get this under control he won't see his retirement or spend it recovering from a massive stroke. Please pray for him?
The Not-So-Ugly:
Two and a half years ago, I wrote this post. (It's long, but worth the read...go ahead, I'll wait).
Done? Good!
Well...as you can probably tell, we never did go through with the DFS adoption plan. After we talked and prayed about it more, we felt it wasn't the right time or right fit for us and our family.
Matt and I have been discussing our future, our family, and our family building options recently. A lot of conversations, a few tears and a lot of praying later, I'm thrilled to announce:
WE ARE ADOPTING!!!
No, we haven't been matched or anything yet...we haven't even chosen an agency as of yet.
We just know in our hearts that this is the right option for us at this time, and we are getting the wheels in motion to start the process.
I contacted three agencies this week, received information from two already, and am waiting on the third. I still have several agencies to call to request information, as they don't have anywhere on their website to request information. (Does anyone else hate that as much as I do? I have serious telephone anxiety. I HATE talking on the phone. You wouldn't guess this about me seeing as I talk on the phone (and police radio) for a living. My best friend is the only one who understands this, as she is the same way. We don't even call each other. I can count on one hand the number of times we've spoken on the phone in the past 5 years. However, we text, email and tweet all day long! But the phone? Nah.)
One of the agencies I received information from has already contacted me about attending an adoption seminar (required by their agency before proceeding with matching). We weren't able to attend the one this month, and the next one isn't until January. That kind of sucks, but it does give us a couple of months to explore our agency options and get more things in order for the homestudy and such.
To say we're excited is an extreme understatement. It's all we've been able to talk about for the past few days. Even my unemotional, laid back, stoic husband has a smile on his face when he talks about the prospect of having a child...possibly by this time next year. I told my husband tonight, it almost feels like we've just found out we're pregnant...but it will be a REALLY long pregnancy! (I know this isn't an accurate analogy, but it's the closest I can come right now!)
I know we have a long way to go, and a lot of hurdles to clear and hoops to jump through. Right now though, we're reveling in the excitement and hope we're feeling.
We ask that you keep us, our future birth-mother and our child in your prayers that through God's will and by His grace we will be united in His perfect timing to become the family we are meant to be.
I have lots more to talk about, but I think I've gone on long enough tonight.
Hope everyone is having a great week!
Love,
Rebecca
October 9, 2012
Where I've been, and then some...
It's been so long since I've posted, I don't even know where to begin. So, here's the past couple of months in brief. All of these items are worthy of posts of their own, and will be eventually revisited, I just don't have the energy right now. It's been a long few months.
~Matt graduated! YAY!
~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well! YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)
~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free". YAY YAY YAY!!!
~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost. To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it). I miss my babies so damn much.
~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it. I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds. One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo. To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen. We were pregnant. Then we weren't. I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics. Nothing. Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me. Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done. It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me. I don't expect people to understand.
~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures. I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her. She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend. She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it. Please pray for her and her family.
~My 20 year high school reunion was this year. I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!
~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December. She is due on Christmas Day! YAY!!! Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her. How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!
~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well. Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar. It hasn't. During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream. They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation. To say we are all gutted is an understatement. She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind. Please also pray for her and her family.
~It's FALL!!! HUGE YAY!!!
~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman. I am so excited for them! Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!
~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble. I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!
~Matt graduated! YAY!
~Matt had a job interview last week that went extremely well! YAY!!! (PLEASE pray that God's will be done in regards to his employment...it's been a long time that I've been the only income and we could really use a break!)
~My Godmother was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and radiation and has been declared "cancer-free". YAY YAY YAY!!!
~Mid-late September was another unfulfilled due date of one of our babies we lost. To say it's been hard is an understatement, especially with events like this occurring. (This is a post in and of itself, sitting in my drafts folder because I'm still processing and dealing with it). I miss my babies so damn much.
~I've been planning to get a tattoo to honor my lost babies, but I haven't been able to afford it. I have the perfect design picked out, just waiting now to be able to swing the extra funds. One of the first things I thought of when I learned of my lost babies was getting a tattoo. To me, it's a tangible reminder of what I never thought would happen. We were pregnant. Then we weren't. I have nothing from my babies, no tests or ultrasound pics. Nothing. Just the knowledge that they were briefly a part of me. Now, almost a year later, I still have yet to get it done. It's irritating that everything hinges on money, especially knowing that it's something as frivolous as a tattoo...but this tattoo is incredibly important to me. I don't expect people to understand.
~A friend from work (my supervisor, actually) is in a medically induced coma fighting for her life after a series of strokes and seizures. I don't have more details, I just know I'm scared to death that we are going to lose her. She is a wonderful woman, and a great friend. She has been a huge support to me through many trials and I can't imagine work (or life in general) without her in it. Please pray for her and her family.
~My 20 year high school reunion was this year. I wasn't able to go due to working, but from the Facebook pictures and posts, it was a great time!
~My best friend is pregnant again after a miscarriage last December. She is due on Christmas Day! YAY!!! Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of mixed emotions for me, especially recently with the passing of one of our due dates, but I truly am thrilled for her. How can I not be, she's carrying my Godchild!
~Shortly after the reunion, I found out one of my high school friends whom I've recently gotten back in touch with was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer as well. Knowing the outcome of my Godmother's cancer, I was optimistic that hers would be similar. It hasn't. During her lumpectomy on Friday the surgeons discovered that the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes and probably to the bloodstream. They are now planning aggressive chemo and radiation. To say we are all gutted is an understatement. She is one of the sweetest people you'd ever dream of meeting, and to imagine the horror she is going through right now just blows my mind. Please also pray for her and her family.
~It's FALL!!! HUGE YAY!!!
~My baby cousin (ok, he's almost 30 and towers over me...but he's like my baby brother!) is getting married this Friday, to an adorable and delightfully sweet woman. I am so excited for them! Their wedding is going to be at a winery and I'm looking forward to gettin' some wine on and celebrating the nuptials!
~I'm sure I've forgotten a lot, but I'm nursing a migraine right now so this will have to do. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still here, still kicking up trouble. I'll be back soon for some more respectable and proper posts...when I find the energy!
August 1, 2012
Try It Out Tuesday - Orange Marmalade (IS apparently harder than it looks!)
Click here for the original pin on my Food/Recipes board.
Follow me on Pinterest.
*Don't forget to click over to Kelly's blog, My Purple Brick Road, for a tasty review of Nutella S'mores!
I peeled the oranges, slivered the peel, cut up the oranges and plopped them all into my trusty stock pot.
I added water and sugar in the amounts called for and set it to boiling. I
Yeah, right.
I boiled and boiled and boiled my mixture.
And boiled some more.
Modifications: I added about a tsp of vanilla. It smelled delicious and gave it an interesting flavor.
Fail Factors: The entire project was a total and utter fail. But I believe that is all my fault as I didn't wait to add the sugar.
For The Win: The recipe really is simple. (And successful if done right, I assume).
Will I attempt this recipe again? Yes, simply because I will NOT BE DEFEATED!!! LOL
Have you made homemade jams or jellies? With or without pectin? How have yours turned out? Any tips for the novice?
*"Try It Out Tuesday" is a blog hop (or blog party) created by 3 friends, and is inspired by Pinterest. We choose one, sometimes two "pins" (if you want to be labeled an overachiever, just sayin') per week, try them out, and review them on our blogs. Anyone can join in, just leave the link to your Try It Out Tuesday post in the comments and we'll add you to the list! C'mon, Try It Out!
July 24, 2012
Try It Out Tuesday - Shower Caddy
Linking up with Kelly for Try It Out Tuesday! She has an awesome post about DIY makeup remover AND homemade, reusable makeup remover pads.
Today's TIOT is so quick and easy I'm almost embarrassed to post it. It's one of those ideas that when you see it, you want to smack yourself in the head and say "Now, why didn't I think of that???"
You can find the pin on my Organizational Ideas board on Pinterest. You can also follow me by clicking this link.
The Idea: To move your hang-over-the-shower head caddy (if you have one) to the opposite wall of the shower so it doesn't interfere with the shower head (especially if you, like me, have a detachable sprayer shower head...that dumb hose catches that caddy every time!), and to keep the caddy and the items in it from getting so wet and mildewy. The original pin called for a large coat hook mounted to the bathroom wall, and to hang the caddy from that. Well...our bathroom has a shower surround thingie that sticks out too far for me to to that. See:
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| (that's not dirt...it's paint spatter) |
Also, we rent this place, so I don't want to have to remove a coat hook and patch the hole when we move. And, honestly, since I'm
I then remembered that I had some 3M Command Hooks in the kitchen junk drawer!
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| Ta-DAAAA! |
All that was left was to hang the caddy from said command hook.
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| VIOLA!!! |
Modifications: Command hook stuck to the shower surround wall instead of a coat hook screwed into the bathroom wall.
Fail Factors: None that I can think of. It's pretty idiot proof. Unless the adhesive strip fails and the caddy goes crashing to the floor of the tub in the middle of the night, thereby scaring the living daylights out of me. I then may need to change my sheets. :)
For The Win: This particular project didn't cost me anything. Not one single red cent. Except for the cost of the command hook, but since I already had it, I'm not counting that cost.
This project literally took five minutes to accomplish. You can't get any more "winning" than that!
*"Try It Out Tuesday" is a blog hop (or blog party) created by 3 friends, and is inspired by Pinterest. We choose one, sometimes two "pins" (if you want to be labeled an overachiever, just sayin') per week, try them out, and review them on our blogs. Anyone can join in, just leave the link to your Try It Out Tuesday post in the comments and we'll add you to the list! C'mon, Try It Out!
July 22, 2012
Knitting Project Updates!
I've been very lax about posting any updates on my knitting projects lately, but rest assured I DO have a couple of projects on the needles. Shame on this knitter for not sharing!
As my best friend said recently, I am a knitter! That is not to say "I knit". I "AM a knitter"!
Come on, my main screen name for most websites I use is some variation of "Knitterbug". So yes. I wield my sticks and yarn proudly!
Anyhoo...on to a few photos of my current WIP's (works in progress for you not familiar with the crafty jargon).
OH! This wouldn't be complete without a picture of my most recent FO! (finished object)
This, my friends, I'm very proud of. The very first sweater I ever made for myself!!!
Project Details:
Pattern: Hey Teach! by Helene Rush, (published in Knitty Summer 2008 online magazine)
Made for: ME!
Size: 3X
Materials: Lion Brand Vanna's Choice yarn, Gray Marble colorway purchased at Hobby Lobby
Wooden toggle buttons purchased at Wal-Mart
Size 10 needles (I am a tight knitter, I always have to use a needle 2 sizes bigger than called for to achieve the proper gauge).
Modifications: I followed another Ravelry member's instructions to make the short sleeves into 3/4 length sleeves. Added 2 inches to the length.
Overall impressions: I loved the lace pattern! It's very easy, but looks so difficult. A little tricky to keep the pattern looking right when doing the armhole decreases and sleeve decreases, but eventually it worked itself out.
Would I knit this pattern again?: Absolutely! It was a wonderful project, not too difficult, but not boring. (And, since I am losing weight, this one will hopefully be way too big by fall of next year so I'll HAVE to knit another one!!!)
Well, there you have it. A random glance into my knitting bag.
What are your current projects?
As my best friend said recently, I am a knitter! That is not to say "I knit". I "AM a knitter"!
Come on, my main screen name for most websites I use is some variation of "Knitterbug". So yes. I wield my sticks and yarn proudly!
Anyhoo...on to a few photos of my current WIP's (works in progress for you not familiar with the crafty jargon).
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| Swiffer duster covers ready to be seamed |
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| previously made Swiffer cover |
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| These things are wonderful!!! |
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| I always have a pair of socks on the needles These are simple toe up short row heel socks |
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| My current "big" project A top down short sleeved sweater with lace insets. |
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| A bad blurry picture of the lace detail. It's gorgeous in person |
This, my friends, I'm very proud of. The very first sweater I ever made for myself!!!
click link for my Ravelry page for this project
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| 3/4 length sleeve lacy cardigan |
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| Close up of the lace pattern I loved this pattern |
Pattern: Hey Teach! by Helene Rush, (published in Knitty Summer 2008 online magazine)
Made for: ME!
Size: 3X
Materials: Lion Brand Vanna's Choice yarn, Gray Marble colorway purchased at Hobby Lobby
Wooden toggle buttons purchased at Wal-Mart
Size 10 needles (I am a tight knitter, I always have to use a needle 2 sizes bigger than called for to achieve the proper gauge).
Modifications: I followed another Ravelry member's instructions to make the short sleeves into 3/4 length sleeves. Added 2 inches to the length.
Overall impressions: I loved the lace pattern! It's very easy, but looks so difficult. A little tricky to keep the pattern looking right when doing the armhole decreases and sleeve decreases, but eventually it worked itself out.
Would I knit this pattern again?: Absolutely! It was a wonderful project, not too difficult, but not boring. (And, since I am losing weight, this one will hopefully be way too big by fall of next year so I'll HAVE to knit another one!!!)
Well, there you have it. A random glance into my knitting bag.
What are your current projects?
July 17, 2012
Try It Out Tuesday - "Our Life, Organized" Binder
Linking up with Kelly from My Purple Brick Road for our weekly Try It Out Tuesday post.
Follow me on Pinterest!
Today's post is about my "Our Life Binder". The pin I chose is HERE, and the website it links to is HERE.
You might have heard of this before. Most people call it a "home management binder", and they're all the rage with "mommy blogger" sites. I had a hard time finding descriptions and instructions to make a home management binder that would work with our life, i.e: I work outside the home, we have no children (living in our home full time), I don't home-school, I am the primary bread-winner (for now!), and I work crazy hours. But, I still really wanted a way to simplify our lives, have all of our important information together in one place, and develop a system for mundane tasks like paying the bills and grocery shopping. I haven't been the best about putting our system into practice, and the next few months I will be challenging myself to stick to using the binder on a daily basis and developing more of a routine around our home.
What? You HAVEN'T heard of a home management binder??? All you need to start your own is a few easy to find items.
Materials:
~3-ring binder, folder, or notebook
~Page dividers
~Paper to print out your binder information sheets
This is my personal binder cover-to-cover. All of the products I used were purchased from Wal-Mart, and cost a total of around $20. I took a bright cheery pink 1" binder, clear sheet protectors (simply because I'm weird about liking things in sheet protectors!), and plastic tabbed dividers with pockets as the section dividers, and I bought some Sharpies and dry erase markers. I designed most of the printed sheets from compiling information from many of the organizational/management binders I found online. I customized the entire book to fit OUR LIFE...and you can do the same for yours!
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| Cover |
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| Labeled dividers |
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| "at a glance" weekly calendar so we all know who is doing what and when |
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| Personal information, one page for each adult |
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| Child information sheet Customize to your specific child's needs and activities |
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| Medical information One for each member of the family |
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| Medical info continued |
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| Example of the pocket dividers for each section. This one is the "finances" section. Unpaid bills go in the pocket, stamps are kept handy, and payments are logged on the "bills paid" ledger (ledger not pictured due to personal financial information on it) |
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| Vehicle information with make/model license info, and insurance carrier information. |
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| Address book |
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| Shopping list of our usual purchases (this one is for food, I also have one for household items/ paper products/soap/etc. |
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| Weekly menu-at-a-glance |
There you have it.
Our Life...Organized!
(A great resource for the printable sheets for your binder is Life Your Way. I used a few of theirs as-is and used others as templates for my own binder.)
Modifications: Heavily modified to fit our current life status. But, that's the beauty of it, it can grow and change with your family as it and your circumstances change!
For The Win!: Almost any and every piece of information we could possibly need regarding ourselves, our family, our finances, and our life habits are compiled in one easy to find, easy to use binder.
Fail Factors: ~Can be time consuming to set up initially.
~Does take daily use and maintenance to achieve the full benefit of the organizational system.
~Almost any and every piece of information we could possibly need regarding ourselves, our family, our finances, and our life habits are compiled in one easy to find, easy to use binder. Hmmm...
*"Try It Out Tuesday" is a blog hop (or blog party) created by 3 friends, and is inspired by Pinterest. We choose one, sometimes two "pins" (if you want to be labeled an overachiever, just sayin') per week, try them out, and review them on our blogs. Anyone can join in, just leave the link to your Try It Out Tuesday post in the comments and we'll add you to the list! C'mon, let's Try It Out!
July 10, 2012
Oops!
Sorry if you came looking for a new Try It Out Tuesday post...
I worked all weekend and didn't make time to try a new pin this week. I'll make up for it next week, I promise!
Back to your regularly scheduled blogging!
Behind The Scenes- Or, The Moment(s) I Had Enough
I realized recently that I've written a lot of things about my "diet" (for lack of a better word), but never really wrote anything about the events leading up to my "THAT'S IT I'VE HAD IT" post. It's a revelation that was a long time in coming, as I seem to have been living the past few years of my life in the country of Fear and Denial, making side trips to the cities of Excuse-ville and Complacency-town. Well, no more. I realized I have to face this fear, this denial, whatever it is that is holding me back from becoming the best ME I can be and the woman God intended for me to be. Many of these breakthroughs have come while I've been reading a wonderful book by Max Lucado entitled Facing Your Giants. My best friend and I have been reading it together. I will be posting more about it at a later date, after I've had a chance to go back and process and journal more about my experience reading it.
About a month and a half ago, I was having a heart-to-heart conversation with my Mom. She asked me when I was going to go back on my Weight Watchers plan, because she was concerned about me. I told her I was "planning to start on Monday". We all know that trick. And we all know how well it works. She started to cry and begged me to do something about my weight because she had been having nightmares about me dying due to complications of my weight. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea she was that worried. I know she worries about me, I'm her daughter; that's her job. But to break down crying to me and beg me to do something because she is afraid I'm going to DIE? Wow. I was speechless.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I KNOW I'm fat. I didn't just wake up today fat. I've been this way for a long time. And I've ignored it for a long time, too. But, as the numbers crept higher, as the pounds slowly added up, so did the health consequences. For quite some time I've been getting regular cortisone shots in my lower back to relieve the pain (partially caused by a tilted pelvis, but mostly because I'm fat). I've been unable to stand for longer than 5 minutes at a time without severe back and knee pain. We're talking pain so bad that I sweat and get out of breath from the pain. I've been unable to walk for ANY distance (even the distance from the car to the grocery store, or from the car to go inside my work) without getting out of breath and having to sit down and rest. I've been popping pain pills and muscle relaxers like candy for months. I've been unable to wear my seat belt in my car because it wasn't long enough to go around my belly. One of the most embarrassing things of all was I had to resort to placing a chair in the bathtub in order to take a shower. I had gotten so fat that I was unable to stand for the length of time it took to bathe myself. It brings tears of shame to my eyes to admit that.
And then there are my sleeping issues. I've always snored, but over the past year it has gotten progressively worse, and my husband noticed that I had begun to have apneas (when breathing stops due to obstruction of the airway during sleep), and I was struggling to breathe at night. He finally took a video of me one night because I didn't believe how bad it was. I cried when I saw it. I literally rose up off the bed from the waist up because I was struggling so hard to get air. I began having nightmares and waking up during the night choking and gasping for breath. My own body fat was choking off my air so badly that it woke me out of a dead sleep. I haven't wanted to go to sleep for the past couple of months because I was so afraid that I would die in my sleep from my fat choking me. It was then that I decided I it was too much. I have had enough. I had to do something, ANYTHING to get this weight off. I refuse to die young from something I can prevent. I am 38 years old. I have (God willing) at least forty or fifty more years on this Earth. Do I want to spend it fat, in pain, and dependent on other people to take care of me because I was immobilized by my weight? What was it going to take? Being cut out of my house and hoisted into a bariatric ambulance by a crane? I drew the proverbial line in the sand the day my mother cried in my arms.
I first began restructuring my diet. I stocked up on healthy food, veggies, and snacks. I started planning what food I was taking to work the night before. I joined Spark People. I faithfully track my food every day. Even when I go "off plan" and eat something not so good for me, I still track it. What use is there in me being dishonest with myself? I’m not saying I've been perfect. I’m not saying I haven’t slipped up. I’m not saying this has been all rainbows and daisies. It’s been hard. But I refuse to quit.
I am still scared. Scared of failing and scared of succeeding. That’s not going away overnight. But, I have God on my side, and with Him ALL things are possible. Even losing weight. Daily I pray for the strength to stay on plan, to dig deep within myself and find the strength to face the temptations and pitfalls of dieting, and for the courage to face whatever physical and emotional changes come during the transformation. (If you would find it in your heart to pray these things with me, I would be honored.)
When I'm scared of failing (and succeeding, sometimes!), I remember those people in my life who would be devastated if I died. I remember that I owe it to the people that depend on me, the people that love me, and the people that need me to do this.
After my last post, I had a conversation with my best friend in which she pointed out that I don’t think I DESERVE to succeed. That is so true. Sometimes I do believe that. Sometimes I do believe I don’t deserve anything good in life, and I sure don’t deserve to succeed at my weight loss. That’s why I sabotage myself. Also, failure is comfortable. I’m used to it. It’s like that comfortable pair of threadbare underwear in the back of the drawer. C’mon you know you have them too! Staying in the “comfort” of failure is like continuing to wear that holey pair of undies with the stretched out elastic that are thin enough to read the newspaper through . Not logical and definitely not productive. Besides, she pointed out, can success really be that bad compared to where I’ve started? (She’s a pretty smart cookie, that bestie of mine!)
So there you have it. A convoluted peek inside my psyche, the madness behind my method. Thanks for listening.
About a month and a half ago, I was having a heart-to-heart conversation with my Mom. She asked me when I was going to go back on my Weight Watchers plan, because she was concerned about me. I told her I was "planning to start on Monday". We all know that trick. And we all know how well it works. She started to cry and begged me to do something about my weight because she had been having nightmares about me dying due to complications of my weight. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea she was that worried. I know she worries about me, I'm her daughter; that's her job. But to break down crying to me and beg me to do something because she is afraid I'm going to DIE? Wow. I was speechless.
I mean, I'm not stupid. I KNOW I'm fat. I didn't just wake up today fat. I've been this way for a long time. And I've ignored it for a long time, too. But, as the numbers crept higher, as the pounds slowly added up, so did the health consequences. For quite some time I've been getting regular cortisone shots in my lower back to relieve the pain (partially caused by a tilted pelvis, but mostly because I'm fat). I've been unable to stand for longer than 5 minutes at a time without severe back and knee pain. We're talking pain so bad that I sweat and get out of breath from the pain. I've been unable to walk for ANY distance (even the distance from the car to the grocery store, or from the car to go inside my work) without getting out of breath and having to sit down and rest. I've been popping pain pills and muscle relaxers like candy for months. I've been unable to wear my seat belt in my car because it wasn't long enough to go around my belly. One of the most embarrassing things of all was I had to resort to placing a chair in the bathtub in order to take a shower. I had gotten so fat that I was unable to stand for the length of time it took to bathe myself. It brings tears of shame to my eyes to admit that.
And then there are my sleeping issues. I've always snored, but over the past year it has gotten progressively worse, and my husband noticed that I had begun to have apneas (when breathing stops due to obstruction of the airway during sleep), and I was struggling to breathe at night. He finally took a video of me one night because I didn't believe how bad it was. I cried when I saw it. I literally rose up off the bed from the waist up because I was struggling so hard to get air. I began having nightmares and waking up during the night choking and gasping for breath. My own body fat was choking off my air so badly that it woke me out of a dead sleep. I haven't wanted to go to sleep for the past couple of months because I was so afraid that I would die in my sleep from my fat choking me. It was then that I decided I it was too much. I have had enough. I had to do something, ANYTHING to get this weight off. I refuse to die young from something I can prevent. I am 38 years old. I have (God willing) at least forty or fifty more years on this Earth. Do I want to spend it fat, in pain, and dependent on other people to take care of me because I was immobilized by my weight? What was it going to take? Being cut out of my house and hoisted into a bariatric ambulance by a crane? I drew the proverbial line in the sand the day my mother cried in my arms.
I first began restructuring my diet. I stocked up on healthy food, veggies, and snacks. I started planning what food I was taking to work the night before. I joined Spark People. I faithfully track my food every day. Even when I go "off plan" and eat something not so good for me, I still track it. What use is there in me being dishonest with myself? I’m not saying I've been perfect. I’m not saying I haven’t slipped up. I’m not saying this has been all rainbows and daisies. It’s been hard. But I refuse to quit.
I am still scared. Scared of failing and scared of succeeding. That’s not going away overnight. But, I have God on my side, and with Him ALL things are possible. Even losing weight. Daily I pray for the strength to stay on plan, to dig deep within myself and find the strength to face the temptations and pitfalls of dieting, and for the courage to face whatever physical and emotional changes come during the transformation. (If you would find it in your heart to pray these things with me, I would be honored.)
When I'm scared of failing (and succeeding, sometimes!), I remember those people in my life who would be devastated if I died. I remember that I owe it to the people that depend on me, the people that love me, and the people that need me to do this.
After my last post, I had a conversation with my best friend in which she pointed out that I don’t think I DESERVE to succeed. That is so true. Sometimes I do believe that. Sometimes I do believe I don’t deserve anything good in life, and I sure don’t deserve to succeed at my weight loss. That’s why I sabotage myself. Also, failure is comfortable. I’m used to it. It’s like that comfortable pair of threadbare underwear in the back of the drawer. C’mon you know you have them too! Staying in the “comfort” of failure is like continuing to wear that holey pair of undies with the stretched out elastic that are thin enough to read the newspaper through . Not logical and definitely not productive. Besides, she pointed out, can success really be that bad compared to where I’ve started? (She’s a pretty smart cookie, that bestie of mine!)
So there you have it. A convoluted peek inside my psyche, the madness behind my method. Thanks for listening.
Non-Scale Victories
When losing weight, or trying to lose weight, it's very easy to get discouraged when the numbers on the scale either stop moving in the right direction or don't move as fast as we want them to. It's these times when we need to take a step back and remember there is a lot more to losing weight than just numbers. It's these "Non-Scale Victories" that we need to hold on to in order to keep our momentum and motivation.
I'm going to start a weekly post detailing my personal non-scale victories, to have a record to keep myself motivated. Since I've been at this for about 3 weeks, I'll go ahead and post all of them to date now.
MY NON-SCALE VICTORIES (6/15/12-7/9/12)
~My work uniforms are fitting better. Even a slight bit loose.
~I can buckle my seatbelt again.
~I can move better. I am not out of breath after 5 minutes of standing.
~I don't have to use a chair in the shower anymore!!! I can stand on my own and take a shower again!!!
~I walked 1/4 mile today! (equivalent to one lap around a standard track...might not seem like much to some, but that's HUGE for me!!!)
How do you keep yourself motivated?
July 6, 2012
Turning Point
Today is a pivotal turning point in my weight loss endeavor. I've now lost (according to my home scale...not sure how much I trust it!) 22 lbs. Yes, this is great and I am thrilled! However, I'm also freaked out. The 20 lb mark is and has been a gigantic speed bump for me. I told myself when I started this that when I hit 20 pounds, it would mark a turning point for me. That I would *know* at that point that I was really doing it. That I was truly losing weight. That I was (dare I say it?) succeeding. Because I haven't gotten past 20 pounds lost in a long while.
You see, I've lost the same 15-17 lbs for years. Each time I lose that amount, something happens...whether it's consciously or subconsciously I'm not sure...and the wheels come off my wagon and I backslide, fail, jump back into old habits.
Never in the past 5 years have I lost more than 20 lbs while on a diet. But now in the past three weeks I've lost 22 lbs. That still boggles my mind! Twenty two??? Seriously? Me? I am celebrating, but I'm also nervously reserved about it. I'm scared that I will fall back into old habits and gain it right back. When I have hit this point in the past, I've allowed my fear to stop me. I have tried to look at this fear and figure out exactly what it is that I'm afraid of. Am I afraid of failing? Yes. Am I afraid of succeeding? Yes. Am I afraid of letting other people down. I am afraid of letting myself down. I am afraid of this being just another failure. I am taking steps to prevent the backslide. I have talked to my husband about it, made friends aware of it, my family is very supportive...but I'm still scared. I don't want to fail again.
Why am I afraid of succeeding? If I succeed, so many things will change for me. I will feel better. I will look better. I will be able to go into a store and buy clothing off the "normal" size rack, not have to search for the largest size in the plus-sized section. I will be able to do the things I want to do without constantly needing to stop and rest or be doubled over in pain. I will be able to walk. I will be able to run. I will be able to ride a bike again. I might even be able to dance! I will be able to go to the Renaissance Faire in costume, something I've wanted to do for years! I will be able to go swimming without feeling and looking like a beached whale. I want to get dressed to the nines and go out on the town with my husband. I want him to be proud to be seen with me. I won't be "the fat friend". I will possibly be able to carry a baby to term and actually give birth to a real-live-take-home-baby at the end of the pregnancy. So why, WHY am I so afraid???
The fear of success for me lies in part in one simple (or not so simple) fact. I have NEVER been thin. I was a chunky child, I was an overweight teenager, I was a fat young adult, and I am a morbidly obese adult. I don't know what a "healthy weight" me looks like. What a healthy weight will feel like. How to operate in the world as a person that is not obese. I've navigated my entire life as an overweight/obese person. I have the emotions and social reactions of the "fat girl". I'm so used to being viewed as a fat person, I don't know if I will know how to operate in the world as a person of normal weight. If you've been overweight your whole life, it's challenging to change your thought processes and reactions. At my weight now, as over the past 20-25 years of my life, I've constantly been subject to "the looks", comments, laughter, jokes, and rejection due to my weight. If I, at a normal or "closer to normal" weight, don't get these looks, laughter, jokes and rejection...what will I get? How will people treat me, and how will I react to that treatment? Will I be resentful that people that now don't give me the time of day lavish attention on me in the future? Or will I be able to graciously accept the attention and simply go on about my life? I'm not sure. These are the issues that trip me up when I feel the momentum building and I start to see that big billboard of success at the end of the road.
And yes, I know that all of this is my skewed perception of how things could "possibly" work out. I know that this is not necessarily rooted in truth. It is simply how I'm feeling right now, and something I need to work through as my weight loss continues. I am very happy about my successes, and have celebrated every pound I've lost. And I'm not quitting. If anything, I'm more motivated to keep going and get to my goal. I just have to voice these issues. Maybe if I actually speak them, give them a space of their own outside of my mind to dwell...maybe then they won't haunt the dim corners of my mind? Maybe they won't lurk in the shadows waiting for that one moment of weakness to pounce and derail my motivation train?
If anyone else has gone through similar emotions in their quest to lose a lot of weight, do you have any advice to share? How did you get through it?
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